what sea glass taught me about emotional healing

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

i grabbed my camera this morning and headed out for the beach. just for a quiet walk. the weather has been a bit nasty lately and the sun was peeking through the clouds. i decided the sun and i had a long overdue meeting that needed to take place.

the harbour was beautiful with the sun beaming off the water. as i walked, i noticed a pair of paradise ducks. actually, i couldn’t help but notice them as they were screaming at each other. my husband was telling me that they mate for life and if one of them dies, the other lives on without a mate. i wondered if they would miss the screaming? my guess is that they would. no matter how crazy things get, you really do miss the noise someone makes when they are not there. i supposed that ducks are the same.

they settled after a while and i assumed they had sorted their differences.

before i knew it, they took flight and were flying off into the horizon.

i headed around to the back beach to watch the waves roll into shore. they are beautiful from the beach but they are fierce. i sat and snapped away – i was trying to get some great shots of the water as it hit the rocks. as i sat on one of the big boulders, i noticed a glistening near my feet in the gravel. the beach here is not just sand. it is filled with pebbles, rocks and glistening things. when i reached down to pick up this object that had grabbed my attention, i realized it was glass. it was sea glass…and it was beautiful. well, my focus was no longer on the waves…i was away treasure hunting.

as i began to gather the little beauties, i noticed that some of them were perfectly smooth, some were not; some still bore the sharp edges or chips and some were larger, some were tiny. my favorite pieces were the smoothest ones. i had recently read about how sea glass was made and wanted to find some. so, today was a good day. i looked out at the waves again. i realized that my heart during my journey had been shattered into many pieces at times like the shards i found on the beach. i realized that the tumultuous waves i had experienced along the way served an important purpose. they caused the broken, cutting pieces to round out into something beautiful and useful.

my plan for my blog today was to explore the question, “what is emotional healing and who needs it?”

i think we all need a degree of healing at many times in our lives. unless you are a robot, of course. humans who live everyday interacting with other humans will come across times when they experience painful situations.

brokenness or wounds occur when an event:

occurs unexpectedly
you weren’t prepared for it
you felt powerless to prevent it
it happened repeatedly
someone was intentionally cruel
childhood traumas

i thought of the list events that caused brokenness and wounding in my heart:

childhood trauma
moving a lot as a young child
near drowning as a child
a fatal car accident
death of my fiance
abusive relationships
miscarriages
divorce
breast cancer
separation from one of my children
loss of a close friend
offenses

i wondered how i was still standing. the reality is that i am still standing because i eventually looked for wholeness and healing.

what is emotional healing?

to heal is to make whole, to restore what was diseased or wounded to a place of soundness, to restore normal function. the state of a person in which parts are sound, well organized, well related and in which they all perform freely their natural function. A state of no pain.

the state of a person in which parts are sound. some of those parts have a differing shape than before but when healing occurs, like the sea glass, the brokenness is rounded and smoothed so that they can perform their natural function without pain or causing pain.

it is when you or i are not able to find healing that one event piles on top of the previous and dysfunction occurs. we are not built to endure long term pain therefore, something has to give relief.

often times, the relief is evident in impaired abilities:

having trouble functioning at home or work
suffering from severe fear, anxiety, or depression
unable to form close, satisfying relationships
experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
avoiding more and more things that remind you of the trauma
emotionally numb and disconnected from others
addictions such as using food, sex, alcohol or drugs to feel better

at this point, even simple negative events can feel very traumatic.

for example, i have a very sensitive heart. i am sympathetic and empathetic. i can easily relate to sad stories, commercials, movies, and books. i am easily in the emotion of the story. i actually quite like that about myself. crying, itself has a lot of healing benefits. however, before i began my journey toward emotional healing…i cried about everything – at the drop of a hat. i felt really sorry for policemen who pulled me over. i would be a crying mess by the time they got out of their cars to let me know why they stopped me. i remember on time, this policeman walked up to my window and i was bawling. he said to me, “i just wanted to let you know that your tail light was out!”

my ability to function normally was being prevented and the sadness in my heart was spilling out EVERYWHERE. not good. lol…it was a good indication that i was not functioning normally.

each of the events i have listed above no longer stir pain within my heart. i am able to deal with negatives and sort them out fairly quickly. the key is to be able to meet what comes at you and me on a day to day basis so that there is not a pile up.

if you find yourself in situations that throw you for a loop, you may need to work toward healing past events to resume normal function. if the events were traumatic and cause you severe pain, again asking for help is important. you do not have to flounder around not knowing how the wound should be healed.

if i can be of help, please feel free to contact me. i have had many women contact about the wounds they have experienced and are still facing. i will continue to share some helpful information via my blogs. i will present encouraging quotes, wisdom from proverbs and other truths that i have found helpful. together, we will walk this journey toward greater wholeness. it can be obtained.

we will never be able to prevent pain from occurring but it does not have to control our lives in a negative way.

keep walking…keep hoping…keep dreaming…for life should be lived largely and fully.

have a great day,

9 warnings that your emotional well-being might be at risk

Posted on July 16, 2013 by Dee Clark

i understand the warning signs that my body is not functioning properly. i can see and feel most of the symptoms as they present themselves. when i recognize what symptoms i am dealing with, i can make a decision concerning the seriousness and appropriate treatment.

normally, if the symptom are not serious and within my realm of ability to treat, i address the symptom. if i have a minor cut and bleeding, i wash the cut, apply antibacterial cream and grab a bandage. if i am running a fever, have a cough and runny nose, i treat a cold or flu.

when i had breast cancer, i knew that something was not right but couldn’t put my finger on the problem. i had to see a doctor for a diagnosis.

when i have no symptoms but want to ensure that i continue enjoying a healthy lifestyle, i have annual check-ups with my health professionals.

i think it is equally as important to recognize when our emotional well-being is healthy or recognize the warnings that there might be something wrong.

our emotional well-being becomes wounded when we experience damage to intimacy, acceptance, value and sense of belonging. most emotional wounds will fall under one of these categories including abuse. abuses attack our sense of value, tramples our boundaries for intimacy, threatens our perception of acceptance and crushes our sense of belonging in a safe environment.

the wounds appear as symptoms in four areas; our thinking, our emotions, our behaviours and our spirit.

healthy emotions are easy to identify. they are identified by:

love
joy
peace
forbearance
kindness
goodness
faithfulness
gentleness
self-control

wouldn’t you agree that when you are feeling at your emotional best…these are evident and flowing freely?

in the same way that it easy to detect a fever when it is coming on (your temperature goes up…and up…and up), there are warning signs when your emotional well-being is at risk. these warning signs will indicate that there a wound, a potential problem or a threat that requires attention. like physical symptoms, if the symptoms are temporary and pass quickly, there is usually not a problem. however, if these emotional symptoms persist, healing action should be taken. Allowed to continue, they will prevent you from being free to do what you desire to do to build an overall healthy lifestyle.

the symptoms are identified as:

hatred
deep sorrow or sadness
constant agitation, anger, and snappiness
persistent desire to give up or quit
harshness, being deliberately hurtful and cutting
feeling or acting revengeful, deliberately choosing wrong actions over right
being deceitful, untrustworthy, disloyal, or cheating
being overly forceful, heavy-handed, or extreme intensity
being unsettled, unable to control negative impulses

people everywhere are struggling with wounded emotions. their hearts have endured many negative experiences resulting in untold damage. the damage needs to be dealt with in order for healthy well-being to be restored. when it comes to emotional issues, people have become very skilled at building defence mechanisms, sweeping the issues under the carpet or pretending they don’t exist. these mechanisms inhibit their pursuit of happy, healthy living.

even though the damage occurs against your will, you do not have to allow them to persist, grow or control your life. you can begin to treat the symptoms before they become too serious – if you recognize the warnings. if the symptoms have reached a serious state, you can reach out for help – with prayer, talk to a trusted friend, or seek a professional for help.

we all are going to get a few bumps and bruises along the way. offenses will come. early detection is vital to the prevention of more serious problems.

last week, i recognized myself becoming less and less tolerant and a bit snappy.

i took my emotional temperature. i observed my reactions, my thoughts, emotions and behaviours.
i got quiet. i know that when my reactions and behaviours are a bit out of line – i need to adjust something. for the well-being of my relationships, i get quiet to prevent causing damage. it actually took me a couple of days to pinpoint the problem which is ok. i just guard my behaviours and emotions to keep them in better alignment.
once i knew what was causing the symptoms to manifest, i took action. i discovered that i had an agreement with someone that i felt had been broken. i could take control of the problem and address the issue.
i determined my role and took responsibility. i needed to accept my role in the break down. was it communication? or expectations? had i carried out my part in the agreement? was there anything on my part that needed to be taken care of?
i needed to communicate the issue and see what solution could be achieved.

when i treated the problem, the symptoms disappeared pretty quickly. ignoring the issue and pretending that i was not effected would not have returned my emotions to a calm, peaceful state. even if i was unable to completely resolve the problem, i am in control of my reactions and can avert negative consequences. i can’t control others but i can control myself and maintain my own well-being.

check your emotional temperature…your emotional well-being may be at risk…if it is…take action…today.

i hope to see you again soon,

Do you know your value?

Posted on July 14, 2013 by Dee Clark

Dustin Hoffman’s video came across my path recently. i was touched as i listened to his heart concerning playing the part of a women in the movie Tootsie. for a moment in time, he was given the opportunity to see inside the heart of a woman and how easily dismissed they can be because the package is not well received.

it made me think of one of my friends. my friend and i stood in front of a casket. hearts heavy and tears falling. she whispered, “he’s the only man who ever made me feel loved”. honestly, she is one in millions, crying out for someone to, “look at me”… the diamond she is, the value she has to offer and the love within her heart to share.

while i would dearly love to eradicate appearance judgement; magically causing the world see through compassionate eyes, i can’t. what i can do is encourage you, as a woman, to look at yourself through eyes of compassion.

when others reject us, we often turn that rejection inward and feel like we are un-loveable. we may be flawed by unfortunate circumstances experienced along our journey but they do not render us unworthy of love. we may need and be willing to change when possible but we need to give ourselves a break during the process.

our lives are full of relationships. many of them can be disappointing. however, the most important relationship that you have in your life is with you. you spend the most time with yourself. developing a healthy respect, acceptance and love for yourself is key to emotional well-being. learning to be patient, gentle and kind with yourself is the most valuable lesson you can learn so that your journey is unhindered. encouraging yourself to be the best you can be and to have the courage to carry out your purpose will help to guard your heart against the pain of rejection.

i was looking at the photo yesterday that i had taken of the pink lily. when i shot the photo, i didn’t even notice the little bee buzzing near the center of the flower. my thoughts went to the way the bee had just carried on doing what it did in its existence. it didn’t seem concerned about its size, or purpose or acceptance. i’m not sure it matters to the bees in the world if the honey they make will be valued by anyone. i’m not even sure they realize that we eat it. they just work away producing what they produce…and others benefit.

we should be like that. we should accept who we are and what we have to offer…just buzzing along down our path and produce a beautiful product…others will benefit.

when we invest the effort to love and accept ourselves, whether others love us as we wish they would or not, we gain the ability to live happily and emotionally strong.

i believe you are a diamond with your own unique cut and brilliance. all diamonds have a few flaws that occur during the formation process but the flaws don’t have to prevent your sparkle or refraction of light.

don’t believe the lie that value is directly related to anything other than being exactly the you that you are. acknowledge your flaws, continuing working on them and be like a diamond -reflect light and love in spite of them…they are part of your brilliance.Do you know your

Anything could happen…and it might be suddenly

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Dee Clark

i like suddenly…

i agree, there are times when it’s not a great thing.

oh, but when it is…

i am running along and suddenly, i get my second wind.

i am attempting to correct a mistake in my accounts and suddenly, it dawns on me where the mistake has been.

i am pleading my case on an issue and suddenly, the other person gets the point.

i have tried to forgive and suddenly, i realize the event doesn’t have the hold on me like it did.

i am believing and standing in faith and suddenly, i have an answer.

the funny thing about suddenly is the unexpected realization that what you have hoped for is here…now.

you never know how close you are to your answer.

so be prepared…

anything could happen

and it might just come suddenly!

arm yourself with preparation.

Posted on July 7, 2013 by Dee Clark

sometimes you get yourself into unwise situations. if that is the case, all is not lost. harder but not lost. proverbs 6 begins by siting the example of co-signing a loan or becoming a guarantor.

realise that you have trapped yourself with your own mouth (ouch!)
realise you have given some of the power of your life over to the person you helped (ouch!)
humble yourself (no need to get mean…you did this to yourself- i have done this a few times. what i thought was a heart of compassion turned out to bite hard).
beg…(not demand) the person to pay off the bill so you can be released.

most decisions can be reversed. the key is preparation prior to making decisions that will impact your life. sounds like my “trauma plan” philosophy. be prepared.

proverbs 6 goes on to talk about preparation. have a look at the ant. the way of an ant is a wise way to live.

there is no one over the ant giving it step by step directions of what to do to live well. instinct is a fabulous tool.
the ant prepares…gathers it’s supplies well before they are needed.

the key is not to waste your time when things are good. that is the crucial time for preparing and gathering knowledge, insight and wisdom…not sleeping and playing in the sun. we all know that all work and no play is not wise; however, all play and no preparation is worse. the result of the latter is you could end up with your life being stolen from you..slowly but surely leaving you helpless. calamity is a crushing weight that leaves the heart broken. i don’t know about you but i can name a few situations in my life that fit this description perfectly.

being clever, side stepping the issues, and attempting to get around doing things the right way my seem cunning at the time but those tactics deceive the heart into thinking success can be achieved when only destruction is ahead. the end result is a crushed heart.

7 of those practices look like this

a proud approach-overestimate yourself and underestimate others. this is such a vital key for bulllies and control freaks. do not fall into this trap. ummm…it doesn’t work. it might for a while but once the person you are attempting to control gains their right state of mind…you loose out.
lying. we all know the web that gets created when you decide to present half truths, lies or leave out critical facts as a protective measure. it gets messy real fast.
thinking and planning ways to get around the situation instead of hitting the issue head on. we can think up some rubbish, can’t we? does it ever work…i can’t think of any examples.
trying to pin the mess on someone else…blaming…shucking responsiblity. trying to deflect the spotlight from your responsiblity is an age old tactic. the fact of the matter is that truth seems to have a way of surfacing. truth rarely stays in the dark.
pitting one against the other. playing the middleman and getting two parties at each other’s throat shifts the focus but is a dispicable tactic. don’t…just don’t do it.

the heart is the key storage unit for wisdom. the heart must be capable of using wisdom or maybe it’s a God-given instinct that it possesses (like the ant). grab hold of wisdom, insight and the knowledge (of how to do things the right way) and refuse…reFUSE…REFUSE to be tricked into thinking any other way is acceptable.

Foolishness seduces you. fools you. tricks you.

i think we’ll look at that in my next post…this one has gone long.

to summerize, making wise decisions that keep your heart and life safe are easy to make if you are prepared with the right tools.

here’s my practical example. i’ve suffered many abuses along my journey (& maybe-probably-you have, too). one of the things i attributed it to was that i didn’t protect myself by speaking up- having a voice. therefore, i conceived a plan in my heart that i would speak up for myself no matter what. fair enough, right? what I didn’t expect was that in doing so i often spoke out of disrespect (especially when men were involved). did you know that the number one need of women is love? i knew it because i am a woman. did you know the number one need of a man is respect? i obviously didn’t. ☺ so, i had my voice spouting its venom to my husband coated in disrespect and man, did it back fire! when i adjusted my approach (not my goal of having a voice) to a respectful way of dealing with issues…i have been amazed at how many of the issues, i deemed vital to resolve, have been. I might add, they have been resolved without confrontation. dah! what do the Pinterest pinners say? “why didn’t I think of that?” because foolishness is seductive…and preparing for life with understanding is wise!

well, i lost this post yesterday because of a dumb mistake but rethinking it..i’m glad…😍

i hope you find this helpful! let me know if it was. i do enjoy hearing your kind feedback!

the heart’s faith battles the minds fear

Posted on July 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

i’m lying here with sleep evading me. visions of my life with my daddy passing through the halls of my mind.

my heart and my mind battling between faith and fear.

i wrote not many days back that life brings sudden changes and that a wise life plan includes a trauma plan. i have many yet from time to time I come face to face with the reminder that i’m not as prepared as i imagined.

today is one of those days.

i called to wish my daddy well as he prepared for heart surgery. the prep work was complete. great! except, my heart had not really conceived an idea close to the prep my daddy had put into place. my contemplations had included well prepared surgeons, physical checks, accommodations, travel and the like. simple little details to check from a well prepared list. everything in order & well organised is a normal expectation from this meticulously detailed man.

i am 10,000 miles away. i expected to feel a tinge of home sickness as this day approached. i was right about that.

the further preparations, that stunned my heart today, were the “good byes”. the “i’m proud to have been your daddy”. what? wait! no, hang on a minute…

i am a strong believer in faith, staying positive, believing it all goes well…and i’m accustomed to encouraging others to cling to the hopeful side of situations.

although my dad is ageing, i really have not prepared myself for “good-byes”. after all, remember my heart still thinks it’s 18 years old; therefore, it’s not entertaining the reality of my daddy’s age and the need for good-byes.

the stark truth – that his preparations included coming to grips with a risky procedure that might go wrong – placed my heart face to face with a possibility of loss.

i have been scrambling through my mental trauma plan file. i have thought through many types of losses; job loss, relationship loss, business loss, loss of aunts, uncles, grandparents, and fiancé…but nothing that involved my parents.

i learned, after my fiancé’s death, the importance of not shutting someone down when they speak of death-Craig actually had a dream about the car accident two weeks prior to its occurrence with accurate details.

so, while i was unwilling to accept that i was having a final conversation today, we exchanged tender moments, words and tears.

i choose to hold tightly tonight to my faith and believe – for wisdom and a steady hand for the surgeon. i fully expect to hear that my dad came through with flying colours.

i know that loss is one of the deepest wounds we experience. the process of grief is painful. loss of a career, health, relationship, reputation and of loved ones can all trigger changes to life that are painful adjustments.

maybe, we’ll look at walking toward emotional healing after loss in the near future. after i’ve had some sleep and my daddy is recovering well.

for tonight, i’m urging my heart’s faith to win the battle over my mind’s fear by remaining positive…whispering a prayer…remembering that my daddy (& momma) taught me by example to have courage, never give up & trust that there is always a Divine plan. things will work out just as they should.

life is a journey. today, i felt a little shaky in my steps but i’m still walking. there are days like these…but there is also a promise that…

Joy comes in the morning!

stay strong. be encouraged. never give up!!

thanks for sharing a few moments of your day!

the blessing of bridges

Posted on July 3, 2013 by Dee Clark

brightening my way
regarding my heart
impacting with joy
dispersing my fears
gentle support
encouraging with hope

it’s breathtaking to feel a supportive lift when strength feels like it’s slipping away-realizing that help is near to ensure you make a successful crossing. friends, family, faith, a kind stranger are such blessings.

i love having the opportunity to help bridge a gap.

i am grateful for those who have lent a hand to help bridge mine.

supporting one another is a good thing. makes life better. makes the journey easier.

two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!- Paul

forgiveness test…this one will nail it!

Posted on July 1, 2013 by Dee Clark

i’ve been talking alot about forgiveness over the past couple of days. i had a reader write to me and say that forgiveness is important but is very difficult to do.

so, true!

even when you think it’s all done and dusted…whamo…you can feel like you’ve been hit in the gut by the whole thing over again. i totally understand! keep working on it. believe me…you will get there. you will surprise yourself with how much strength you have to do this!

i love quotes…and the proverbs…as i’m sure you have noticed. i found a great one today.

guess what?

it nailed my heart! i am calling it my forgiveness test.

want to see it? (i will warn you that if your wound is still fresh…you may not want to yet.)

but…here goes….

i have to admit…as soon as i read it…one of my offenses flashed into my mind and i thought,

“i will NEVER say “thank you” for that experience!”

so, i reminded myself – “dee, you have forgiven that offense and you wouldn’t be the woman you are today without it. what you have to share flows directly out of your heart’s experience.”

i can’t say that i am totally there…but it was great that i came face to face with this heart test…because my goal is complete wholeness. i don’t feel any pain from the offense any more. i am way past it in many ways. however, i like a challenge…and this challenged me today.

like i said above, newly wounded hearts will not be able to accept the challenge…today and that is perfectly ok!

i had someone tell me recently, that a dirty pair of underwear on the floor can be as damaging to a relationship as betrayal – if forgiveness is not applied.

that is far too much power. i don’t want to give the power over my happiness away…so again today…

i choose forgiveness.

and i hope you will as well.

10 practical steps that will move you toward emotional healing

Posted on June 30, 2013 by Dee Clark

stock your life skill tool box. have a conversation with your heart long before it becomes wounded. the two of you decide to make forgiveness a tool you will use when it is needed. this way when forgiveness is required, the decision is already made and the issue is settled. your best life decisions are made when you are not in the midst of trouble. decide beforehand, what your approach to life will be.
give yourself time. a raw wound is not ready for healing. it may be necessary to allow time and distance. however, deciding to make forgiveness part of the life skill tool box will guide the heart toward forgiveness when the time is right.
forgive yourself. a great place to start when forgiving is to forgive yourself. often, we can feel upset with ourselves. “why did i not see?”, if i had only…”, “i swore i would never let…”. we put our hearts through torture trying to figure out “why”, “what if”, or “if only”. we add insult to injury by blaming ourselves. we can be wounded without any effort on our part. release yourself from responsibility that does not belong to you. forgive yourself for any real part that you played and refuse to punish yourself.
learn the valuable lessons. if you need to apply more wisdom going forward. learn what that wisdom should be…apply it where possible…move forward. evaluating if healthy boundaries are necessary and setting them in place can assist the heart in returning to a feeling of safety.
remember when you needed forgiveness and mercy. try as we might, we are going to blow it…maybe by the end of the day. remembering you have needed mercy in the past helps to soften the heart. realizing that when you desperately needed and wanted forgiveness because your intentions were not to wound, will help your heart walk toward forgiveness.
refuse to inflict pain because you were hurt. maya angelo says that just because you have pain does not mean you have to be one. revenge feels like a natural weapon to raise in defence of your heart yet it is very destructive. your heart needs to understand that you do not have to extract punishment. however, forgiveness does not remove consequences especially if legal action is required.
practice being kind and tender-hearted. keeping your heart tender will prepare it for forgiveness. practice kindness in some way toward someone outside of your situation. practice speaking kind words. be gentle with an infant. find ways to open your heart in non-threatening situations so that is not tempted to become hard, harsh and cold.
have your say. i’m sure the heart would love the opportunity to provide an “earful” to the offender. most often, we don’t get the opportunity for confrontation. if the opportunity is provided and is safe, think carefully about what you need the offender to know about what happened, how it impacted you and that you plan to move forward with life. if you are not provided the opportunity or it is not safe to do so in person, writing a letter (whether sent or not) can provide the ability to “get off your chest” what your heart feels is important to be said. once you have given voice to your heart…let it end there. don’t keep rehearing the situation. rehearsing the offense just keeps the wound bleeding.
put forgiveness to work. when you are ready…apply forgiveness. if you will replace the temptation- to tell yourself or a friend how badly you were hurt- with the statement, “i am forgiving this offense”- the wound will begin to heal from the inside out.
practice forgiveness. practice bringing your emotions, behaviour and thoughts back to a functional place. when i was working with my heart to forgive my ex-husband, i began to practice speaking to him in a respectful way…even before i wanted to offer a respectful response. with each conversation, it became easier to speak kindly. even when it was necessary to be firm, i found that i could say what needed to be said in a kind way- for my heart’s sake. understanding that forgiveness is a life-style is important. it is not an immediate fix or a one time occurrence. it’s an act of faith. a decision. a hard decision. a valuable, life changing decision.

i have had many opportunities in my life that required forgiveness for me to live my best life. these are not just words. i have lived in an attempt to extract revenge…my heart growing harder…my life unsettled…and feeling trapped.

there have been simple offenses- hurtful words spoken to or at me.
a drunken driver caused an automobile accident that put me in the hospital, injured my baby sister and claimed the life of my fiancé.
i have been through a very volatile divorce.
i have had business partners betray my trust and steal assets that they had no rights to steal.
i have been tricked.
i have lied to.
i have been cheated on.

yet, in each and every circumstance, i have found the most healing, freeing approach for my life was to walk through the steps of forgiveness.

in fact, the last situation i found myself involved in was a complete shock to my heart and system. i was amazed at my heart because after years of practicing forgiveness – i heard myself say, “i forgive you”…immediately. i had to pinch myself to make sure i was really aware of what i had just said…it was me…i had quickly chosen forgiveness…and it was so much easier than it used to be.

hopefully your heart will be able to find this life skill useful on your journey.

forgiveness is a sweet fragrance…your heart offers when it is crushed.

10 benefits you gain when you offer forgiveness

Posted on June 30, 2013 by Dee Clark

yesterday’s post was 10 things you are NOT doing when you forgive. today, i want to explore what i feel is the important next step- what forgiveness is and how it benefits your life.

forgiveness is a powerful life skill within your grasp. using this tool can help the heart in its search for wholeness.

When you forgive, you are:

choosing a healthy coping strategy. there are two coping strategies: keep cycling in the pain or move forward. one is a healthy strategy, the other is dysfunctional. one leads to healing and growth, the other can lead to “post traumatic stress”.
practicing true love. understanding the importance of love to all human beings helps prepare the ground of the heart for sowing the seed of forgiveness. in the initial stages of forgiveness, this might make you as mad as a hatter. it’s still true. living a life motivated by compassion is very powerful. i may hate the offense but compassion will open my eyes to the pain within the offender’s heart that directed his/her behaviour.
offering a debt-free status. have you ever had a bill paid for you or on your behalf? have you ever handed a person in need the money to pay off a bill they were struggling with? do you remember what that felt like? i have and i do. no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to undo the offense. it’s been done. when you forgive, you are not excusing the offense. you are acknowledging the inability to ever undo, compensate, or change what was done. clinging to unforgiveness will never bring my fiance who (was killed by a drunken driver) back to me. that man will never be able to pay what is owed. he paid legal consequences but he has no ability to settle the score in my heart. i can release the debt so that i can go on living.
giving your heart a gift. the Aramaic meaning for the word forgive is “untie”. when you forgive -you untie yourself from the effects of the offense. you grab a “get out jail free card” and you set your heart free. you step out of the prison of stress, frustrations, anger, bitterness, torment, and unhappiness.
taking control of your own life. while you may not have had a choice when the offense occurred, you do have a choice in what happens next! your heart can become wounded with no action on your part. you can take action -take control of your life by using a powerful tool called choice.
laying down your judge’s gavel. our heart naturally cries for justice. however, lay your gavel down and leave ultimate justice to the One who wears the judge’s cloak. it’s been said -what goes around comes around~karma bites~you reap what you sow~…you may have a differing philosophy than i do. we all recognize that in the end, we never really get by with anything…there is a principle at work in life. i, personally, believe it is an unchangeable, spiritual principle of reaping and sowing. i don’t believe it can be ignored and more than the law of gravity can be. it relieves me from the role of judge that i was not built to take on.
exchanging your weapons for useful tools. revenge is a weapon. when we lift our weapon of revenge, we become willing to make great sacrifices to our lives. we are willing to exchange useful solutions for a consuming drive for recompense that is surrounded by hatred, anger, and scheming. i choose to pursue a better way of living…not a destructive way of living.
guarding your life values. i want to be free to live my life plan. one of my core values is to live practicing being useful, helpful and kind to one another, tender-hearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely]…(-Paul to the Ephesians). i can not be true to this life value if i am allowing my heart to be weighted down with anger, resentment, revenge, etc. i guard my values and standards and refuse to take on any attributes that do not line up…i have to be me…and forgiving allows me to be the best me i can be!
offering mercy. i am convinced that hurting people-hurt people. wounded, broken hearts drive people to behaviors that they would never have imagined. i have been shocked at some of my behavior patterns following devastating circumstances. my daughter had an abusive boyfriend one time~following many attempts to help the young man and behaviors worsening, i lashed out in a way that i must admit embarrasses me to recall today. when i took time to objectively think about what he had been through in his life, i changed my approach dramatically. i was able to show mercy while outlining healthy boundaries for our family’s safety. interestingly enough, his behavior toward me changed. when he spoke to me, he used respectful words. my offer of mercy did not change his behavior overall but when he was in my presence and with my child, he showed restraint. i impacted my environment.
activating a powerful spiritual law. you don’t have to study nature for very long before it becomes quite evident how the laws of nature work. i can not defy gravity with out some strict boundaries in place for my own well-being. airplanes crash all the time because simple rules have not been followed. i am familiar with governmental laws. whether i agree or not with tax laws, i am required to pay taxes unless i want to pay the penalty. there is a powerful spiritual law called the law of forgiveness. i can ignore it. swear up and down i don’t believe it exists…yet, when i refuse to apply it to my heart…the consequences are devastating. on the other side of that, if i live within its boundaries, there is safety, wholeness, happiness and well-being available to me.