Frayed Ends and Frazzled Hearts

Posted on August 23, 2014 by Dee Clark

My husband and I have very different outlooks on fraying. To him, the frayed holes in his favourite pair of jeans equal comfort, breaking in and the accomplishment of finally removing the confinement found in brand new jeans. To me, frayed jeans, frayed ends on my hair and unraveling of any kind demand attention. I recognise that the fact that I am seeing the frayed ends appearing is a statement that I have been honoured with much time and use; but I am not content to live among the fray. I have to do something. Hubby, well let’s just say that he is going to attempt to take advantage of every last thread.

His Phlegmatic (Otter) personality usually insists, “she’ll be right” or “no worries”. Not me! I want tidy little packages with bows of bright colour, weedless gardens, and balanced budgets. Yeah, how’d you know? I am a Choleric (lion) personality with a touch of Meloncholic (beaver) with a glass full of OCD on the side. Thread-bare and frayed? There has to be a cure, right? RIGHT?

While I enjoy the new. the bright and light in life…unfortunately, life isn’t like that all the time. We don’t always stay young. We aren’t always energised. We don’t always feel like charging up the mountain.

Like the dandelion, what was once a bright yellow bloom one day, will in the course of time, begin to show signs of fray. This is natural. The first stages really aren’t so bad…after all, with a dandelion…in this stage, we often look on the bright side and make a wish!

I’m sure you can understand what I mean. You get your dream job. The sweet baby you have been carrying and waiting for is finally here. The relationship you have prayed for all your life is finally happening. Life could not be better! It’s everything you hoped for…until it’s not!

Your assistant is constantly out of work with family issues and the work load is added to your already hectic work schedule. Maybe the boss says a few things you disagree with and you have to bite your tongue rather than respond. Perhaps that new relationship partner insulted you, and you had to control yourself in a public place. Or possibly you have been up night and after night with a baby that fusses hour on end. Your feelings and emotions begin to feel frayed and frazzled but you are keeping it together.

You’re restrained and applying self-control. It is what we use to “hold it together” when we might be otherwise minded.

But then…someone bumps into your cart at the grocery store and you go all commando on them…WHAT…just…happened?

Did you know that the brain is using extra energy for self-control in stressful situations?

When you are faced with repeated stressful issues, it draws on a store of mental resources that you use for self-control. If you drain those resources enough, then you may have trouble controlling yourself further, according to Psychology Today.

We don’t always hold up and together. We get tired. I’m not just talkin’ a little bit fatigued, I’m talkin’ worn out, run down, lay on the couch and veg-out kind of tired.

You know what I’m talking about…those moments when your not sure you have anything more to fight with and you’re just about ready to scream, “UNCLE!”

The very idea of moving again has us worn to a frazzle and with “frayed edges,” to our feelings.

You begin feeling devastatingly alone. No one can hear you cracking. Fraying.

Maybe not at first…but then…It’s hard. It’s wrenching. It’s incredibly painful and it’s difficult to feel lightness or to see clearly.

Hanging by a thread can be really disorienting.

You might not even fully understand how you got here. You regroup and find the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

It may be hard to believe right now, but not only will it be okay, not only will you get through this, you will thrive again.

You will be clear and vibrant and you will get your MOJO back.

You are going to get through this.

You can do it.

You ARE doing it.

You have years of layers and lifetimes of experience and strengths to call on — skills that you didn’t even know you had.

You will make it through your heartbreak, your pain…just like millions of others who have felt this pain.

Other people have survived and when they got out of the frayed place, they left a breadcrumb trail out of the pain.

You can trace their steps.

My OCD tendencies cause me to want to keep pushing and FIX THIS NOW! I only end up exhausting myself. A key is to step back…renew and refresh my body,mind and spirit. Rest is important for my body to cope with the struggle(s). Period. I have to take care of myself. It’s important even if I don’t feel like it (and sometimes I don’t feel like it). When my mind is overwhelmed…I head for refreshing the spirit first. I personally find it easier to get my mind to “shut up” when I get quiet and pray. I love walks on the beach for this step. I’m out in the fresh air, listening to the waves crash into the shore and I pray. Maybe you don’t (and that’s up to you), some people meditate (I do…I meditate on the Word of Wisdom) searching for the truth that will bring me peace to frazzled heart. Once I have that wisdom, then I refresh my mind and thoughts with what I know will make a difference and help me to begin repairing the frayed ends of my life.

Maybe your frays feel more devastating and you are exhausted, lacking motivation, feeling frustrated, feeling cynical or negative. Maybe your having problems thinking clearly, your experiencing interpersonal problems, not able to take care of yourself, you’re preoccupied all the time, experiencing health problems, and generally dissatisfied. You want to take relaxation seriously, and unplug but are struggling to find a way that is beneficial and sustainable.

After the shocking news of Robin Williams recently, I realise that not everyone finds their way out of the frayed and frazzled places as easily as a quiet walk on the beach or a whispered prayer.

If this describes your situation or the situation someone you love is in…seek help. Don’t wait until your life or theirs is thread-bare…find someone you trust that can help bring the help that is needed.

I watched David Letter’s Tribute to Robin Williams and at the end he makes the statement that he didn’t realise that Robin was in so much pain. Sometimes, we don’t realise. However, we can become more aware of what is going on within our own hearts and the hearts of others so that hopefully we will see even a few of the signs. We can listen more. Ask important questions and offer what we can in meaningful ways so that the frayed ends and frazzled hearts of this world (including our own) can be mended and healed.

It may be hard to believe right now, but it’s going to be more than okay.

You may wince when you look back (understandable,) you may cry unexpectedly, but you’ll be more alive, and more You.

You will be strong.

And you will feel a curious sensation of being more useful. You might even be able to leave a few crumb (steps) for others to follow.

I certainly don’t have all the answers necessary to help you through all the trials and tribulations you’ll face when you’ve reached the end of your rope -but my hope is that I’ve offered just enough to help you begin to stop your belief that you’re the prisoner of circumstance, powerless before the fray.

Dear Stress,

Let’s break up!

-unknown

How Containment Prevents Growth

Posted on October 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

are you self-contained?

containment is a way to keep something bad from spreading.

if a child gets chicken pox, he/she won’t be allowed back in school until they’re not contagious anymore. the school’s aiming for containment of the disease.

containment is also a foreign policy strategy. if one country is stirring up trouble, other countries can join together and enact a policy of containment, to isolate the rogue country and keep it from causing chaos outside its borders.

in a nuclear reactor, the containment system is the back-up system that’s supposed to keep dangerous radiation from leaking out when there’s an accident.

the human heart will self-contain when it has experienced great pain, in an attempt to prevent the pain from spreading.

while some forms of containment are beneficial, containment in the heart is not.

heart containment will stunt your growth.

we hope for protection.

we end up busy building a comfort zone- afraid of taking risks, stepping out, trying new things or expanding our horizons.

once we are contained within the walls of this comfort zone…

we are protected from our future…

we are protected from our present…

and we are protecting our past!

-John Steele

while we are preserving our past…protecting it and it’s impact on our heart, we protect or prevent the possibilities available in our present and future.

the question is often posed, “why do bad things happen to good people?”

John Steele posed one of the best possibilities i have ever heard. his answer was this:

so that your experience will speak louder than someone else’s pain.

someone going through a similar situation will gain hope by seeing you conquer your pain, overcome your difficulty, thrive, live, grow and expand into your future better than ever.

what has you confined…

contained…

Imprisoned!

let it go!

spread out!

expand!

grow!

think big!

think bigger than your pain!

there is life to live!

and i promise, you don’t want to miss a minute of it.

do you know someone that this post would encourage? someone sitting in their comfort zone too fearful of the possibility of a wounded heart? please pass the post along…hopefully they will find inspiration to think bigger than their pain!

i’m so happy that i could share my heart with you today! thank you for stopping by!

see you soon,
D

6 potential risks to maintaining acceptance

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Dee Clark

hi, everyone. i have been a busy girl over the past week or so and have missed writing. i hope you have enjoyed the encouraging quotes in the meantime.

when last i wrote, my topic was acceptance. i had planned to do a bit of fictional writing to help me demonstrate the point but like life often does…things didn’t work out that way.

i’ve been thinking about women in the Bible because, after all, the point of sharing a person’s story is so that someone might be able to grab a few helpful tips- which i believe is why we have the examples found there.

we give poor Eve a bad rap. i’ve heard people talk about wanting to give her “what for” because of all the trouble she caused us women. poor girl. lol

the truth is that often we make similar mistakes (that have not been indelibly written down in history for all generations to judge).

we are not given a lot of information and details of her life, just a few key points.

therefore, i like to try to put myself in her shoes based on how things sometimes go in my life…and see if i can learn from both.

1. curiosity. i’m a curious creature. many of my women friends are, too. just try to keep a secret from us. curiosity eats me up. i talked to my daughter tonight who was so proud of the birthday gift she’s bought for me. guess what…her husband would not let her tell me what it was. 😉 I could tell she was excited and although, I controlled my curiosity (I WANT TO KNOW-even though I only have to wait until tomorrow).

in the same way, just tell a woman “no” with no explanation.

our curiosity if uncontrolled can set us on dangerous paths.

like…
2. desire. desire in itself is not wrong. in fact, it is part of our design but like anything else, if we misuse it, it’s not good. curiosity that turns into a driving desire requires attention. this is the driving force behind buying shoes that we can’t afford (anyway!), spreading gossip, and attempting to beat the odds by breaking “the rules” without regard for the consequences.

3. questioning authority. entertaining desire long enough can cause us to question authority…including our own. i’ve talked a lot about life values. allowing desire for instant gratification, things we have been told we can not have or things we have determined are not a part of our core values can drive us to ignore authority (or boundaries) irregardless of results. we become willing to compromise agreements, structure and discipline for temporary satisfaction.

this is usually the point where we reason with “someone” -not for wisdom but agreement -that maybe doing what we want to in spite of wisdom won’t be so bad. after all, how bad could it be? for Eve, surely dying was not really the result of something simple like eating a piece of fruit. what did it mean to “die” anyway? it couldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

4. lack of responsibility and respect. following compromise and subsequent consequences, we really begin to point our finger placing blame anywhere else but the rightful place…our responsibility. justifying our actions with blame seems to be logical to us for some reason.

and respect? well, “pity the fool” (did you hear my Mr T voice?) who attempts to hold us responsible for our actions.

5. pain. consequences cause us pain. we don’t like pain. rightfully so. this pain, as we’ve discussed before, can cause us to interpret many things differently than they are meant to be. we begin to feel distance, shame, and rejection.

6. fear. fear then attempts to set up residence within our hearts. at this point fear of rejection, as an example, can direct our behaviour toward rejecting before we have the opportunity to be rejected.

these 6 elements describe the process of events in Eve’s disastrous decision. although few of my decisions have effected generations of people, i can relate completely to similar circumstances in my life. I dare say, you can as well.

the key to maintaining acceptance of myself and then others, truly is to accept responsibility.

1. understand i am accepted. i am uniquely designed for love and by Love. maintaining a sense if acceptance begins here. then i must accept myself and know that i will make mistakes, be humble enough to say the words “i’m sorry” and move forward.

2. understand the boundaries and expectations. everything exists within appropriate, healthy boundaries. crossing the boundaries can be painful and sometimes fatal. just try to make a fish live out if water. it won’t happen. we live in societies, communities and within relationships that require boundaries, agreements, laws and structure for well-being. we may not like them but irregardless, they are necessary and for our own good.

3. i am responsible to guard my heart in regard to acceptance. not everyone is going to accept everything about me. however, i can produce acceptance in others in a few ways. i do not have to be dependant upon others accepting me. i do not have to interpret actions as rejection (even when it feels like it is). i can sow (give) acceptance and i know “what goes around comes around” or “what i sow, i reap”.

4. when necessary, accept responsibility for poor choices and the resulting consequences without blaming, distancing or rejecting. the consequences usually pass if behaviour is tempered through it. usually, there is at least a second chance offered. learning to humbly make restitution goes a long way toward restoration.

a friend of mine in the states lost her son because a drunken driver hit his car. the driver accepted responsibility & the resulting punishment. my friend and her family have embraced the driver and accepted her although the drinking and driving devastated their lives. they have committed to accept her mistake and help her through the difficulties ahead. rejection did not have to be one of the results.

we are amazing creatures. our very design makes us adventurous, curious and desire more. that’s a good thing most of the time. when we blow it -when pain comes- of our own making or not- our sense of acceptance does not have to be destroyed. we can keep it in tact and fully functioning. we can take action, guard our heart and protect our acceptance as a precious gift.

it’s good to be sharing my heart with you again. thank you for reading!

the miraculous offering of acceptance

Posted on July 28, 2013 by Dee Clark

since we know the pain that rejection can cause, shouldn’t we offer others a miracle…acceptance for the unique gift they can be to us?

the imagery of acceptance and inner peace

Posted on July 26, 2013 by Dee Clark

she woke from the most peaceful sleep. she lay in such a calm euphoric state. she could feel the warmth of the sun on her face which reminded her of how warm and secure her heart felt.

she had questions about this place and how she had come to live here. for the moment she would not focus on them. she was seizing the moment. she was in paradise and every part of her being soared with happiness.

Eden was magnificent and majestic. everywhere her eyes gazed there was beauty. being surrounded by such beauty satisfied something deep in her heart. at times, she felt as though she could breathe in the deep satisfaction as if it were life to her soul. it was soothing, gratifying.

her tummy rumbled drawing her attention to the reality that there were things to do. first, food. her body signalled the need for nourishment.

she opened her eyes and realized her husband was already away. his day had already begun. she wondered where he might be. the most probable answer would be that he was exploring. he was in charge of finding new creatures among the garden and deciding what they would be called. she and her husband were different somehow than everything else that lived in this place. the creatures that shared her home fascinated her.

as she strolled through the garden, a butterfly lit on her shoulder. “good morning, butterfly. it’s a glorious morning!”

it fluttered its wings in delight. she instinctively knew it was as delighted as she.

suddenly a bumble bee whizzed past her head. “that’s exactly what i’ll eat…honey,” she thought. her steps hastened toward the grove of trees where she could collect the sweet nectar.

she dipped her finger into the honeycomb and drew the liquid to her lips. the sensation thrilled her tongue. the bees parted as if to make way for her to enjoy their produce, all the while continuing their busy production. “nice job, guys! the honey is beautiful and sweet.” they gathered in formation and swarmed into the air. they swirled and twirled in appreciation of her praise. she giggled at the performance and chided, “i’ll get out of your way so you can get back to work”. they dropped back onto the honeycomb and resumed their task.

everything was in harmony. one thing assisting the next. her questions resurfaced. “what was this place and how did i get here?” she was curious.

she would ask her husband and the Creator to tell her the story again as they strolled the garden when sun began to sink in the sky.

she turned with a plan to find Adam. she smiled.

her heart was full of gratitude and appreciation. she would explain this to the Creator…He might enjoy hearing what her heart was feeling.

———–

i can only imagine what filled her heart. i do know that my heart is filled with gratitude on the calm, peace filled days when my heart attains the same joy. the place of harmony within my being. i cherish those days when they come and my heart is filled with gratitude.

although in my story i took a creative privilege to imagine her life, i know that it is not an unattainable fairy tale. i know that when i have been diligent to face the negative situations with courage and Wisdom, my heart can attain this state of peace and well-being. it is not “never-land”. i am accepted and loved by my Creator. i can accept the person i am meant to be – flaws and all – and live enriched in my journey. i understand the places that help me grow are sometimes difficult to face. life is not a paradise (as we all know) but it is worth living fully and joyfully, come what may.

acceptance is important to me. it feels like i have described it above. the foundation for my acceptance exists in a harmony of hearts – mine joined with my Creator and then outstretched.

not all days are like this. i know all to well. you will, too. Eve experienced. join me as i explore the steps she may have taken and decisions she made that brought pain to her heart. i suspect, they are not much different than ours. curiosity, jealousy, desire, comparison and doubt are a common theme for heading down a painful road. it feels like we walk alone, at times, but the road is not all that different to the one before us. the pain is familiar, too – rejection, loss, disappointment, shame and regret.

the pain is not the end. there is healing and acceptance waiting…

Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

have a great weekend,

i would like to give special thanks to my sister, Evie Hartness, for the permission to use her photos.

the search for acceptance

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Dee Clark

Acceptance is a core need that we all share. we can go to extreme lengths to be accepted by those around us.

what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done in an attempt to be accepted by a person or group?

orientation or pledge week at most university campuses provides many entertaining examples.

politicians campaign for the public’s acceptance of their leadership.

we apply for jobs in pursuit of acceptance of our gifts and skills.

and we woman, my goodness the numerous tactics we have applied to be accepted can be mind blowing.

why do we do it? i believe it’s a search for significance.

to gain an understanding of why this search is so important to you and i, we should consider:

why are you here? on earth, I mean?

were you born to be a mother, a successful business person, a musician, a minister? all are noble jobs. were you born to do jobs?

do you have children? did you have them so they could take on the jobs you don’t like to do? was that your motivation for bringing them into your life? no, it wasn’t, was it? would you be satisfied if that was the only purpose for having your children in your life?

are you satisfied in thinking that the reason you exist is for the work or job you do? what happens if that job ends; the kids grow up, you are fired from the business you love, an accident prevents you sharing your skill/talent or your ministry/career is not all you envisioned it to be? often in such cases, we struggle with our purpose and self worth?

intuitively our being cries out for more than that.

how could we ever find peace in the thought that this was it, bang we’re here, do a bit of work while you are here and smack – when’s it’s over, it’s over? nothing else?

the verses in Genesis 1 say we were created out of a deep desire for relationship. the Creator did not have jobs in mind for us when He created us. He made us in His image; therefore, we feel, think, understand, create, have wisdom, process facts and knowledge, show emotion, plan, reason, experience and set and attain goals. being who He is, He then is the source of these things in our lives.

we learn our significance in the context of relationship. all of creation is created with relationship in mind including nature. everything has an interrelation. i hate insects yet insects play an important role in the balance and growth in a garden.

another example is music. a single note is nice but put three notes together as a chord and there is a beautiful harmony.

nothing was designed for isolation. i think that is why isolation and rejection are such destructive wounds.

faith is important in the pursuit of acceptance. the relationship with the Creator was intended to keep us full (fulfilled). our needs can only be met in the context of relationship; firstly with God as the source then others as a resource.

others, although you love and adore them, are broken just as you are. therefore, if you turn your eyes from looking at the source (God, The Father) toward others to fulfil your needs, what is reflected back is not true intimacy, acceptance, value and belonging. you actually get a reflection of their brokenness, their lack of wholeness.

this is how we get hurt and wounded. If you look into the eyes of a depressed or drunken friend, spouse or family member and hope that they can reflect to you the value you are looking for, you will only find pain. They don’t have it to reflect back to you. they may give it their best shot but you may find some disappointments.

remember, i talked previously about the three parts of our being: body, soul and spirit. your body’s needs must be met with the appropriate elements (food, water, oxygen) – you can’t just use your thoughts to think of food and stay healthy. your spirit requires faith, hope, reverence, worship and truth for well-being. with the proper nourishing & relationship with your Creator, your spirit receives the acceptance, value and sense of belonging it longs for. this provides a proper foundation for self-acceptance so that in turn you can build stronger relationships with others.

step one in attaining acceptance is to recognise what true acceptance looks like (head for wisdom & Truth) and where to find it. secondly, when we get a true reflection, we can then accept ourselves. when we truly accept ourselves, we can learn to graciously accept others.

when we are broken hearted, we tend to reflect that brokenness to those around us. sad but true. we can learn how to gain acceptance…then give it…

everyone has a redeeming quality that we can accept and love…

have you got a dream? live…love…feel…like it’s REAL!

Posted on July 20, 2013 by Dee Clark

have you got a dream? come on…live…love…feel…like it’s REAL!

Lyrics:

Hard to find a way to get through
It’s a tragedy
Pulling at me like the stars do
You’re like gravity
Even if the wind blows
It makes it hard to believe

How ya gonna love?
How ya gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
And If you lost your way
I will keep you safe
We’ll open up all the world inside
I see it come alive tonight
I will keep you safe..

Doesn’t even matter to you
To see what I can see
I’m crawling on the floor to reach you
I’m a wreck you see
When you’re far from home now
Makes it hard to believe
(Chorus)
We all fall down
We all feel down
Cus rainy days and summer highs
The more we pray the more we feel alive

How ya gonna love?
How ya gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?

(Chorus)

-Westlife

recognizing the depth of emotional wounds

Posted on July 19, 2013 by Dee Clark

pain is nature’s wisdom. you know how i love wisdom. pain is intended to help protect us from damage to our bodies. it’s a survival tool. pain helps us recognize what to avoid. if we didn’t feel pain, we would become so damaged that our lives would soon come to an end. pain helps us stay safe, alive and growing.

emotional pain is designed to keep us alert. learning what we are dealing with, gives us insight on how to deal with the pain. much like learning CPR and first aid, understanding the types of wounds we will experience, we can gain wisdom and tips on coping with emotional pain when it is required.

physical pain comes in varying degrees. simple wounds (1=minimal) like bruising, bumps, scraps, cramps, spasms, headaches and burns can usually be treated easily with rest and simple treatments. more severe wounds (10=severe) like broken bones, 2nd and 3rd degree burns, cancer, and other more serious illnesses require the help of a doctor or hospital.

emotional wounds come in varying degrees as well. the lower the degree of pain inflicted (1=minimal), the level of treatment and time required for healing to take place can be minimal. the higher the degree of pain (10=severe), typically, more effort, patience and time is required for healing to occur.

emotional wounds need the same type of attention and treatment as physical wounds, in order for the most effective healing to occur and to prevent infection and/or scarring. just as untreated physical wounds can lead to infection, untreated emotional wounds can lead to infected feelings of anger, rage, moodiness, hopelessness, irritability, frustration, anxiety, sadness, insecurity, fear, and unhappiness. if the infection is allowed to persist it can contaminate your entire life and possibly leave scarring.

physically and emotionally, the treatment process is similar:

Clean the Wound
Destroy the Contaminants
Treat the Wound
Protect the Wound

you need to realize that time does not heal all wounds. ignoring the wound will not make it go away. rehearsing the wound alone does not bring closure – often it keeps the wound bleeding. revenge does not cure the wound.

before healing treatment can be applied, you need to understand the degree and depth of the wound and how old the wound is. only then can you determine what must be done.

example: someone insults or embarrasses you. assuming you are dealing with this issue alone, you might feel the wound is small or minor, like a physical bruise, scrape or bump. the pain you might feel might include anger, hurt, fear or indifference. you might feel the depth of the wound to be surface. if the wound is fairly recent and you are dealing with the impact, the solution may be minor. you will probably have no physical symptoms as a result of the emotional pain. most people have the skills for treating this kind of wound. you will be able to realize the comments made are not a realistic description of who you are and how you conduct your life. you can confront the person who made them and set healthy boundaries for going forward. you can treat the wound with forgiveness and find the ability to move on to be quite simple.

so, what if it’s a deeper wound?

i gave you a generic list of some of my emotional wounds. one of my deeper wounds was the death of my fiancé. this is a good example of having a deep wound.

i was a shy, timid young woman in my twenties. like most young women, i dreamed of finding mister right. why, i am not sure. seriously, at the time, i was far too immature in my thinking. i sometimes wonder if we don’t train little girls to dream of a magical wedding and a happily ever after without the life skills to prepare for reality. nonetheless, i met an amazing young man during my college years. we fell in love, planned a future together and began making preparations for getting married.

graduation from college occurred on Friday night. my family, some friends, Craig and i attended graduation and then stayed over the weekend to make some wedding plans. once they were complete, we headed toward my home in Illinois approximately 8 hours away. the plan was for Craig to stay with us for a while so that he and my family could get to know one another better. he would then travel home and detour to Colorado where we planned to live and work with youth following the wedding.

we had a blast traveling toward my home. my dad is quite the jokester and Craig had a great sense of humor so he played along…i remember lots of laughing and joy.

thirteen miles from home, one of the cars needed gas. my parents decided to go on home and leave us “kids” to get the gas and then head home. however, before we made it home, the car that Craig, my baby sister and i were in, was struck by a drunken driver. my 8-year-old sister received minor injuries but witnessed the entire event. i was unconscious most of the time but came-to for brief amounts of time. Craig was fatally wounded.

the car that was following ours

i had never really experienced loss like this before. i was in hospital with fairly serious injuries as well; broken jaw, lacerations, concussion, and others. as well, because i had a concussion, i remember very little of the week following the accident. during that week, this precious man that i loved was laid to rest and i was not able to attend.

in one event, i suffered:

major injuries to my body
loss of a loved one and no closure for the loss
and the end of an important relationship
loss of my a dream
change of direction in my life
lost memory of the event

the loss in itself was traumatizing. the loss of my memory concerning the accident details added distress. not being able to attend the funeral and my memory loss brought great torment. needless to say, my family, Craig’s family and i were not equipped for this event. the wound was deep and severe. we all attempted recover the best we knew how. yet, this wound remained unhealed in my heart for many years. the result was deep impact to many areas of my life.

in addition, because this wound was not healing properly, minor emotional wounds – like being stopped by a policeman for a broken tail light – became bigger problems than they needed to be.

i required help with this wound. i am very grateful for the help i received. that was 30 years ago now. i have a scar. the wound is no longer painful. the scar, however, reminds me that i had been blessed to have loved but i also lost. i can now be grateful for the time i was given and i hold precious memories. i have been able to come to terms with the loss and move forward and live.

whether minor or severe, the treatment process can be applied. we will look at that in future posts.

today, hopefully, you can use the information to assess the wound. ask yourself these questions:

did the emotional pain cause a small, surface or large, deep wound?
when did the emotional pain occur?
what am i feeling as a result?
am i having any physical symptoms as a result of the emotional pain?

once the wound is assessed, let’s look at how to apply the treatment. as always as with physical wounds, if symptoms persist…see a professional.

feel free to download my Emotional Wounds PDF. it describes some common emotional wounds to help you identify what you might be dealing with.

we’ll keep walking through the steps. i would love for you to join me,

unity – body, soul and spirit…the three working together for wholeness

Posted on July 18, 2013 by Dee Clark

i have passed the 100 post goalpost for my blog. celebrate. celebrate. ok, i’m not throwing a party exactly. i am using it as part of my daily gratitude attitude. therefore, i am celebrating. if you have enjoyed any part of this journey with me…i would adore the fact that you smile at my celebration.

let’s review for a minute. in my posts 9 warnings that your emotional well-being might be at risk and what sea glass taught me about emotional healing, i have discussed how to recognize who needs emotional healing. basically, we all need healing for wounded emotions just like we all need physical healing from time to time.

today, let’s look at the function of our emotions in relation to our entire being.

when we use the word “I” to describe ourselves, most often we are referring to our body. i am 5’2″, i weigh (??…no, way am i telling you that…i’m not being that transparent today…forget it..lol), i have brown eyes, and brown hair. we are describing the solid, visible part of who we are.

however, we are made up of three parts in our being. we sort of recognize it but most of our focus is based on the part we can actually see and touch. we have a soul/heart/emotional part and we have a spirit part to our being (both invisible). the physical part is easiest to relate to, therefore, receives most of our attention. although, a healthy, well balanced body is vital for the other two parts of our being to even exist, we must realize that without the three parts working independently in a healthy way – the unity of the whole can not achieve successful living.

the body functions so that we are mobile, can process information, and take action. in order for it to operate, the components must remain in a purified state. that is why it is so important not to put junk into it. my diesel van will not tolerate regular gas without shutting down. the body, we know, is the same. put rubbish in…problems occur in it’s ability to function properly. end of story. the body has a system that warns it of harm and danger. the system is called our senses; taste, sight, smell, hearing and touch. we utilize this system to alert the body of potential danger.

the spirit functions so that we can process moral right and wrong – so that our being can make choices that move us in the direction of success and a safe environment. it’s the foundation of our value system. keeping a purified spirit is also vital for it to function properly. now, i can hear some of you saying…well, if you are going to talk to me about GOD…i don’t want to hear it. that’s ok. i understand that there are people who don’t believe that God even exists. if they do believe in a god, it might not be what i believe. got it! please, no hateful comments. i will be happy to respect where you are. please respect mine. however, it does not change the fact that we have a spirit. that spirit is the part of our being that keeps us making choices between right and wrong. the spirit also has a system; faith, hope, reverence, worship, and prayer. this system works like our senses do. they are key indicators and provide warning signs of potential danger. example: don’t steal that, don’t cheat on your wife, don’t over spend or you will find yourself in financial trouble. it also is the part of our being that drives us toward worship, admiration and reverence. we all have seen the negative effects of setting our values aside in order to attain gratifying goal. i ignored my conscience many times so that i could eat rubbish that added many unwanted pounds of weight to my body. been there. done that.

the soul/heart/emotional part of our being is intended to keep us alert, growing, creative and enjoying our lives. the system the soul has for functioning involves our feelings. they are a gauge, as you have heard me say before, intended to help protect our heart/soul from damage. our emotions store information and play back messages that warn us that something is not as it should be.

the unity of the three functioning independently but together is a confusing concept. however, we have to get our heads around it, somehow, in order to be whole and live the best life possible. any functioning body – human, relationship, marriage, business or team – operating outside of unity will not remain in a healthy state for a prolonged amount of time. it’s wisdom. period. we have all seen things fall apart as soon as unity does. have you ever felt like “i’m falling apart?” maybe…just maybe there is some truth in that.

when any part of the whole acts solely, independently and in its own best interest, the other parts suffer. this act is called rebellion. the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention. the evidence is easy to see in light of visible things; society, governments, friendships, children/family and so on. we are all amazed when we see blatant rebellion. it’s a bit disturbing even when we can understand a part of the viewpoint behind it. the end result is usually devastation even when the point has been made.

my point today is that in order for emotional well-being to be maintained, we must unify the parts. each part of the person must function in a healthy way. when one or more of the parts are not functioning as they were designed to, we must take intentional, purposeful action to restore and heal the wounded part for the betterment of the whole.

therefore, emotional healing requires that we work on these functions:

cognitive – our thought processes and how we interpret information both past and present
spirit work – understand our value system and truth
emotional – what, why and how we feel
behavioural – our habits, actions and reactions

when i was battling with bulimia, here is how the breakdown occurred. emotional trauma lead to my mind thinking that i was pretty much worthless. this message reverberated over and over in my life -usually because i kept telling myself i was worthless. a negative event would reinforce this “lie” as truth. faith (what we believe) comes by hearing. well, i heard the message loud and clear until all of me believed it to my core. this caused my heart to ache. none of us want to be worthless. we, i, wanted to have value. i wanted to feel accepted and significant. however, the message that my thinking was confirming to me was that every negative event in my life confirmed…no worth. it was very painful. by not adjusting the message to one of truth, i could not receive proper relief. therefore, my emotions were screaming at me that something was WRONG…”i should not feel this way”. when the pain continued, my behaviour and habits moved into destructive patterns that put my body at risk. i was attempting to quiet the screaming emotions. bulimia = painful event + wrong thinking (cognitive) + wrong belief (spirit) + painful emotions (feelings) + addictive or destructive habits (behaviour). it became a terribly painful cycle. a cycle that i desperately wanted help to get out of.

want to know something cool? we all get wounded…yes! body, soul and spirit…we all have had wounds to these parts of our being! AND we all can heal. there is a way for healing to occur for all three parts of our being. there is a way to restore each part to proper, free function so that they can work in a united way called wholeness.

i hope you will keep following my heart as i share how this is possible.

tomorrow, we will look at what emotional wounds look like and how they interrelate throughout our being.

i look forward to meeting again. thanks for stopping by,