i’m lying here with sleep evading me. visions of my life with my daddy passing through the halls of my mind.
my heart and my mind battling between faith and fear.
i wrote not many days back that life brings sudden changes and that a wise life plan includes a trauma plan. i have many yet from time to time I come face to face with the reminder that i’m not as prepared as i imagined.
today is one of those days.
i called to wish my daddy well as he prepared for heart surgery. the prep work was complete. great! except, my heart had not really conceived an idea close to the prep my daddy had put into place. my contemplations had included well prepared surgeons, physical checks, accommodations, travel and the like. simple little details to check from a well prepared list. everything in order & well organised is a normal expectation from this meticulously detailed man.
i am 10,000 miles away. i expected to feel a tinge of home sickness as this day approached. i was right about that.
the further preparations, that stunned my heart today, were the “good byes”. the “i’m proud to have been your daddy”. what? wait! no, hang on a minute…
i am a strong believer in faith, staying positive, believing it all goes well…and i’m accustomed to encouraging others to cling to the hopeful side of situations.
although my dad is ageing, i really have not prepared myself for “good-byes”. after all, remember my heart still thinks it’s 18 years old; therefore, it’s not entertaining the reality of my daddy’s age and the need for good-byes.
the stark truth – that his preparations included coming to grips with a risky procedure that might go wrong – placed my heart face to face with a possibility of loss.
i have been scrambling through my mental trauma plan file. i have thought through many types of losses; job loss, relationship loss, business loss, loss of aunts, uncles, grandparents, and fiancé…but nothing that involved my parents.
i learned, after my fiancé’s death, the importance of not shutting someone down when they speak of death-Craig actually had a dream about the car accident two weeks prior to its occurrence with accurate details.
so, while i was unwilling to accept that i was having a final conversation today, we exchanged tender moments, words and tears.
i choose to hold tightly tonight to my faith and believe – for wisdom and a steady hand for the surgeon. i fully expect to hear that my dad came through with flying colours.
i know that loss is one of the deepest wounds we experience. the process of grief is painful. loss of a career, health, relationship, reputation and of loved ones can all trigger changes to life that are painful adjustments.
maybe, we’ll look at walking toward emotional healing after loss in the near future. after i’ve had some sleep and my daddy is recovering well.
for tonight, i’m urging my heart’s faith to win the battle over my mind’s fear by remaining positive…whispering a prayer…remembering that my daddy (& momma) taught me by example to have courage, never give up & trust that there is always a Divine plan. things will work out just as they should.
life is a journey. today, i felt a little shaky in my steps but i’m still walking. there are days like these…but there is also a promise that…
Joy comes in the morning!
stay strong. be encouraged. never give up!!
thanks for sharing a few moments of your day!