8 things to do when your heart is looking back to the past

Posted on August 24, 2013 by Dee Clark

(photo credit: Maxine on Facebook)

sometimes, living in your present circumstances can be like a roller coaster for your heart. the heart longs for the past where the memories feel less-complicated, care-free or painless.

i understand. take it a day, hour, minute at a time.

you will get through this time and be on to the next life phase soon.

1. remember to take care of yourself
2. look for a way to enjoy, relax and rejuvenate in each day
3. take advantage of this time to learn about yourself, what you want going forward & how you refrain from cycling back to this point.
4. reach outward. a great way to get your mind off the situations is helping others (I say that lot)
5. cherish great memories but don’t mourn for them too long…live forward.
6. create fresh memories of some kind everyday…
7. count your blessings…name them one by one!!!!
8. let go when you can…the future awaits

if you need a chuckle at times like these, Maxine on Facebook check her out! she’s a hoot.

have an awesome weekend.

i have in-laws coming so i might be away for a day or two…

see you soon,
D

how to prevent rejection

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Dee Clark

encourage the timid and faint hearted, help and give your support to the weak souls, and be very patient with everybody (always keeping your temper).

see that none of you repays another with evil for evil, but always aim to show kindness and seek to do good to one another and everybody. -Paul

your past can help someone’s future

Posted on August 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

the search for acceptance

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Dee Clark

Acceptance is a core need that we all share. we can go to extreme lengths to be accepted by those around us.

what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done in an attempt to be accepted by a person or group?

orientation or pledge week at most university campuses provides many entertaining examples.

politicians campaign for the public’s acceptance of their leadership.

we apply for jobs in pursuit of acceptance of our gifts and skills.

and we woman, my goodness the numerous tactics we have applied to be accepted can be mind blowing.

why do we do it? i believe it’s a search for significance.

to gain an understanding of why this search is so important to you and i, we should consider:

why are you here? on earth, I mean?

were you born to be a mother, a successful business person, a musician, a minister? all are noble jobs. were you born to do jobs?

do you have children? did you have them so they could take on the jobs you don’t like to do? was that your motivation for bringing them into your life? no, it wasn’t, was it? would you be satisfied if that was the only purpose for having your children in your life?

are you satisfied in thinking that the reason you exist is for the work or job you do? what happens if that job ends; the kids grow up, you are fired from the business you love, an accident prevents you sharing your skill/talent or your ministry/career is not all you envisioned it to be? often in such cases, we struggle with our purpose and self worth?

intuitively our being cries out for more than that.

how could we ever find peace in the thought that this was it, bang we’re here, do a bit of work while you are here and smack – when’s it’s over, it’s over? nothing else?

the verses in Genesis 1 say we were created out of a deep desire for relationship. the Creator did not have jobs in mind for us when He created us. He made us in His image; therefore, we feel, think, understand, create, have wisdom, process facts and knowledge, show emotion, plan, reason, experience and set and attain goals. being who He is, He then is the source of these things in our lives.

we learn our significance in the context of relationship. all of creation is created with relationship in mind including nature. everything has an interrelation. i hate insects yet insects play an important role in the balance and growth in a garden.

another example is music. a single note is nice but put three notes together as a chord and there is a beautiful harmony.

nothing was designed for isolation. i think that is why isolation and rejection are such destructive wounds.

faith is important in the pursuit of acceptance. the relationship with the Creator was intended to keep us full (fulfilled). our needs can only be met in the context of relationship; firstly with God as the source then others as a resource.

others, although you love and adore them, are broken just as you are. therefore, if you turn your eyes from looking at the source (God, The Father) toward others to fulfil your needs, what is reflected back is not true intimacy, acceptance, value and belonging. you actually get a reflection of their brokenness, their lack of wholeness.

this is how we get hurt and wounded. If you look into the eyes of a depressed or drunken friend, spouse or family member and hope that they can reflect to you the value you are looking for, you will only find pain. They don’t have it to reflect back to you. they may give it their best shot but you may find some disappointments.

remember, i talked previously about the three parts of our being: body, soul and spirit. your body’s needs must be met with the appropriate elements (food, water, oxygen) – you can’t just use your thoughts to think of food and stay healthy. your spirit requires faith, hope, reverence, worship and truth for well-being. with the proper nourishing & relationship with your Creator, your spirit receives the acceptance, value and sense of belonging it longs for. this provides a proper foundation for self-acceptance so that in turn you can build stronger relationships with others.

step one in attaining acceptance is to recognise what true acceptance looks like (head for wisdom & Truth) and where to find it. secondly, when we get a true reflection, we can then accept ourselves. when we truly accept ourselves, we can learn to graciously accept others.

when we are broken hearted, we tend to reflect that brokenness to those around us. sad but true. we can learn how to gain acceptance…then give it…

everyone has a redeeming quality that we can accept and love…

Acceptance is seeing with your heart not your eyes

Posted on July 24, 2013 by Dee Clark

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.

Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. “You’ve got so many freckles, there’s no place to paint!” a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. “I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,” she said, while tracing her finger across the child’s cheek. “Freckles are beautiful.”

The boy looked up, “Really?”

“Of course,” said the grandmother. “Why just name me one thing that’s prettier than freckles.”

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma’s face and softly whispered, “Wrinkles.”

-writer unknown

acceptance is one of three core motivations for many of our behaviours. join me this week as we look at accepting ourselves, dealing with rejection and understanding how acceptance/rejection issues motivate our behaviours.

see you soon,
D

Happiness – from the inside out

Posted on July 23, 2013 by Dee Clark

my epiphany of peace

Posted on July 19, 2013 by Dee Clark

i had a bit of an epiphany when i read this quote about the importance of peace in relation to emotional well-being.

i was thinking back to my childhood days when i would attend sunday school. the quote below came to mind:

“I am leaving you with a gift–peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. -Jesus

i think that is awesome news…

peace,

recognizing the depth of emotional wounds

Posted on July 19, 2013 by Dee Clark

pain is nature’s wisdom. you know how i love wisdom. pain is intended to help protect us from damage to our bodies. it’s a survival tool. pain helps us recognize what to avoid. if we didn’t feel pain, we would become so damaged that our lives would soon come to an end. pain helps us stay safe, alive and growing.

emotional pain is designed to keep us alert. learning what we are dealing with, gives us insight on how to deal with the pain. much like learning CPR and first aid, understanding the types of wounds we will experience, we can gain wisdom and tips on coping with emotional pain when it is required.

physical pain comes in varying degrees. simple wounds (1=minimal) like bruising, bumps, scraps, cramps, spasms, headaches and burns can usually be treated easily with rest and simple treatments. more severe wounds (10=severe) like broken bones, 2nd and 3rd degree burns, cancer, and other more serious illnesses require the help of a doctor or hospital.

emotional wounds come in varying degrees as well. the lower the degree of pain inflicted (1=minimal), the level of treatment and time required for healing to take place can be minimal. the higher the degree of pain (10=severe), typically, more effort, patience and time is required for healing to occur.

emotional wounds need the same type of attention and treatment as physical wounds, in order for the most effective healing to occur and to prevent infection and/or scarring. just as untreated physical wounds can lead to infection, untreated emotional wounds can lead to infected feelings of anger, rage, moodiness, hopelessness, irritability, frustration, anxiety, sadness, insecurity, fear, and unhappiness. if the infection is allowed to persist it can contaminate your entire life and possibly leave scarring.

physically and emotionally, the treatment process is similar:

Clean the Wound
Destroy the Contaminants
Treat the Wound
Protect the Wound

you need to realize that time does not heal all wounds. ignoring the wound will not make it go away. rehearsing the wound alone does not bring closure – often it keeps the wound bleeding. revenge does not cure the wound.

before healing treatment can be applied, you need to understand the degree and depth of the wound and how old the wound is. only then can you determine what must be done.

example: someone insults or embarrasses you. assuming you are dealing with this issue alone, you might feel the wound is small or minor, like a physical bruise, scrape or bump. the pain you might feel might include anger, hurt, fear or indifference. you might feel the depth of the wound to be surface. if the wound is fairly recent and you are dealing with the impact, the solution may be minor. you will probably have no physical symptoms as a result of the emotional pain. most people have the skills for treating this kind of wound. you will be able to realize the comments made are not a realistic description of who you are and how you conduct your life. you can confront the person who made them and set healthy boundaries for going forward. you can treat the wound with forgiveness and find the ability to move on to be quite simple.

so, what if it’s a deeper wound?

i gave you a generic list of some of my emotional wounds. one of my deeper wounds was the death of my fiancé. this is a good example of having a deep wound.

i was a shy, timid young woman in my twenties. like most young women, i dreamed of finding mister right. why, i am not sure. seriously, at the time, i was far too immature in my thinking. i sometimes wonder if we don’t train little girls to dream of a magical wedding and a happily ever after without the life skills to prepare for reality. nonetheless, i met an amazing young man during my college years. we fell in love, planned a future together and began making preparations for getting married.

graduation from college occurred on Friday night. my family, some friends, Craig and i attended graduation and then stayed over the weekend to make some wedding plans. once they were complete, we headed toward my home in Illinois approximately 8 hours away. the plan was for Craig to stay with us for a while so that he and my family could get to know one another better. he would then travel home and detour to Colorado where we planned to live and work with youth following the wedding.

we had a blast traveling toward my home. my dad is quite the jokester and Craig had a great sense of humor so he played along…i remember lots of laughing and joy.

thirteen miles from home, one of the cars needed gas. my parents decided to go on home and leave us “kids” to get the gas and then head home. however, before we made it home, the car that Craig, my baby sister and i were in, was struck by a drunken driver. my 8-year-old sister received minor injuries but witnessed the entire event. i was unconscious most of the time but came-to for brief amounts of time. Craig was fatally wounded.

the car that was following ours

i had never really experienced loss like this before. i was in hospital with fairly serious injuries as well; broken jaw, lacerations, concussion, and others. as well, because i had a concussion, i remember very little of the week following the accident. during that week, this precious man that i loved was laid to rest and i was not able to attend.

in one event, i suffered:

major injuries to my body
loss of a loved one and no closure for the loss
and the end of an important relationship
loss of my a dream
change of direction in my life
lost memory of the event

the loss in itself was traumatizing. the loss of my memory concerning the accident details added distress. not being able to attend the funeral and my memory loss brought great torment. needless to say, my family, Craig’s family and i were not equipped for this event. the wound was deep and severe. we all attempted recover the best we knew how. yet, this wound remained unhealed in my heart for many years. the result was deep impact to many areas of my life.

in addition, because this wound was not healing properly, minor emotional wounds – like being stopped by a policeman for a broken tail light – became bigger problems than they needed to be.

i required help with this wound. i am very grateful for the help i received. that was 30 years ago now. i have a scar. the wound is no longer painful. the scar, however, reminds me that i had been blessed to have loved but i also lost. i can now be grateful for the time i was given and i hold precious memories. i have been able to come to terms with the loss and move forward and live.

whether minor or severe, the treatment process can be applied. we will look at that in future posts.

today, hopefully, you can use the information to assess the wound. ask yourself these questions:

did the emotional pain cause a small, surface or large, deep wound?
when did the emotional pain occur?
what am i feeling as a result?
am i having any physical symptoms as a result of the emotional pain?

once the wound is assessed, let’s look at how to apply the treatment. as always as with physical wounds, if symptoms persist…see a professional.

feel free to download my Emotional Wounds PDF. it describes some common emotional wounds to help you identify what you might be dealing with.

we’ll keep walking through the steps. i would love for you to join me,

unity – body, soul and spirit…the three working together for wholeness

Posted on July 18, 2013 by Dee Clark

i have passed the 100 post goalpost for my blog. celebrate. celebrate. ok, i’m not throwing a party exactly. i am using it as part of my daily gratitude attitude. therefore, i am celebrating. if you have enjoyed any part of this journey with me…i would adore the fact that you smile at my celebration.

let’s review for a minute. in my posts 9 warnings that your emotional well-being might be at risk and what sea glass taught me about emotional healing, i have discussed how to recognize who needs emotional healing. basically, we all need healing for wounded emotions just like we all need physical healing from time to time.

today, let’s look at the function of our emotions in relation to our entire being.

when we use the word “I” to describe ourselves, most often we are referring to our body. i am 5’2″, i weigh (??…no, way am i telling you that…i’m not being that transparent today…forget it..lol), i have brown eyes, and brown hair. we are describing the solid, visible part of who we are.

however, we are made up of three parts in our being. we sort of recognize it but most of our focus is based on the part we can actually see and touch. we have a soul/heart/emotional part and we have a spirit part to our being (both invisible). the physical part is easiest to relate to, therefore, receives most of our attention. although, a healthy, well balanced body is vital for the other two parts of our being to even exist, we must realize that without the three parts working independently in a healthy way – the unity of the whole can not achieve successful living.

the body functions so that we are mobile, can process information, and take action. in order for it to operate, the components must remain in a purified state. that is why it is so important not to put junk into it. my diesel van will not tolerate regular gas without shutting down. the body, we know, is the same. put rubbish in…problems occur in it’s ability to function properly. end of story. the body has a system that warns it of harm and danger. the system is called our senses; taste, sight, smell, hearing and touch. we utilize this system to alert the body of potential danger.

the spirit functions so that we can process moral right and wrong – so that our being can make choices that move us in the direction of success and a safe environment. it’s the foundation of our value system. keeping a purified spirit is also vital for it to function properly. now, i can hear some of you saying…well, if you are going to talk to me about GOD…i don’t want to hear it. that’s ok. i understand that there are people who don’t believe that God even exists. if they do believe in a god, it might not be what i believe. got it! please, no hateful comments. i will be happy to respect where you are. please respect mine. however, it does not change the fact that we have a spirit. that spirit is the part of our being that keeps us making choices between right and wrong. the spirit also has a system; faith, hope, reverence, worship, and prayer. this system works like our senses do. they are key indicators and provide warning signs of potential danger. example: don’t steal that, don’t cheat on your wife, don’t over spend or you will find yourself in financial trouble. it also is the part of our being that drives us toward worship, admiration and reverence. we all have seen the negative effects of setting our values aside in order to attain gratifying goal. i ignored my conscience many times so that i could eat rubbish that added many unwanted pounds of weight to my body. been there. done that.

the soul/heart/emotional part of our being is intended to keep us alert, growing, creative and enjoying our lives. the system the soul has for functioning involves our feelings. they are a gauge, as you have heard me say before, intended to help protect our heart/soul from damage. our emotions store information and play back messages that warn us that something is not as it should be.

the unity of the three functioning independently but together is a confusing concept. however, we have to get our heads around it, somehow, in order to be whole and live the best life possible. any functioning body – human, relationship, marriage, business or team – operating outside of unity will not remain in a healthy state for a prolonged amount of time. it’s wisdom. period. we have all seen things fall apart as soon as unity does. have you ever felt like “i’m falling apart?” maybe…just maybe there is some truth in that.

when any part of the whole acts solely, independently and in its own best interest, the other parts suffer. this act is called rebellion. the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention. the evidence is easy to see in light of visible things; society, governments, friendships, children/family and so on. we are all amazed when we see blatant rebellion. it’s a bit disturbing even when we can understand a part of the viewpoint behind it. the end result is usually devastation even when the point has been made.

my point today is that in order for emotional well-being to be maintained, we must unify the parts. each part of the person must function in a healthy way. when one or more of the parts are not functioning as they were designed to, we must take intentional, purposeful action to restore and heal the wounded part for the betterment of the whole.

therefore, emotional healing requires that we work on these functions:

cognitive – our thought processes and how we interpret information both past and present
spirit work – understand our value system and truth
emotional – what, why and how we feel
behavioural – our habits, actions and reactions

when i was battling with bulimia, here is how the breakdown occurred. emotional trauma lead to my mind thinking that i was pretty much worthless. this message reverberated over and over in my life -usually because i kept telling myself i was worthless. a negative event would reinforce this “lie” as truth. faith (what we believe) comes by hearing. well, i heard the message loud and clear until all of me believed it to my core. this caused my heart to ache. none of us want to be worthless. we, i, wanted to have value. i wanted to feel accepted and significant. however, the message that my thinking was confirming to me was that every negative event in my life confirmed…no worth. it was very painful. by not adjusting the message to one of truth, i could not receive proper relief. therefore, my emotions were screaming at me that something was WRONG…”i should not feel this way”. when the pain continued, my behaviour and habits moved into destructive patterns that put my body at risk. i was attempting to quiet the screaming emotions. bulimia = painful event + wrong thinking (cognitive) + wrong belief (spirit) + painful emotions (feelings) + addictive or destructive habits (behaviour). it became a terribly painful cycle. a cycle that i desperately wanted help to get out of.

want to know something cool? we all get wounded…yes! body, soul and spirit…we all have had wounds to these parts of our being! AND we all can heal. there is a way for healing to occur for all three parts of our being. there is a way to restore each part to proper, free function so that they can work in a united way called wholeness.

i hope you will keep following my heart as i share how this is possible.

tomorrow, we will look at what emotional wounds look like and how they interrelate throughout our being.

i look forward to meeting again. thanks for stopping by,