recognizing the depth of emotional wounds

Posted on July 19, 2013 by Dee Clark

pain is nature’s wisdom. you know how i love wisdom. pain is intended to help protect us from damage to our bodies. it’s a survival tool. pain helps us recognize what to avoid. if we didn’t feel pain, we would become so damaged that our lives would soon come to an end. pain helps us stay safe, alive and growing.

emotional pain is designed to keep us alert. learning what we are dealing with, gives us insight on how to deal with the pain. much like learning CPR and first aid, understanding the types of wounds we will experience, we can gain wisdom and tips on coping with emotional pain when it is required.

physical pain comes in varying degrees. simple wounds (1=minimal) like bruising, bumps, scraps, cramps, spasms, headaches and burns can usually be treated easily with rest and simple treatments. more severe wounds (10=severe) like broken bones, 2nd and 3rd degree burns, cancer, and other more serious illnesses require the help of a doctor or hospital.

emotional wounds come in varying degrees as well. the lower the degree of pain inflicted (1=minimal), the level of treatment and time required for healing to take place can be minimal. the higher the degree of pain (10=severe), typically, more effort, patience and time is required for healing to occur.

emotional wounds need the same type of attention and treatment as physical wounds, in order for the most effective healing to occur and to prevent infection and/or scarring. just as untreated physical wounds can lead to infection, untreated emotional wounds can lead to infected feelings of anger, rage, moodiness, hopelessness, irritability, frustration, anxiety, sadness, insecurity, fear, and unhappiness. if the infection is allowed to persist it can contaminate your entire life and possibly leave scarring.

physically and emotionally, the treatment process is similar:

Clean the Wound
Destroy the Contaminants
Treat the Wound
Protect the Wound

you need to realize that time does not heal all wounds. ignoring the wound will not make it go away. rehearsing the wound alone does not bring closure – often it keeps the wound bleeding. revenge does not cure the wound.

before healing treatment can be applied, you need to understand the degree and depth of the wound and how old the wound is. only then can you determine what must be done.

example: someone insults or embarrasses you. assuming you are dealing with this issue alone, you might feel the wound is small or minor, like a physical bruise, scrape or bump. the pain you might feel might include anger, hurt, fear or indifference. you might feel the depth of the wound to be surface. if the wound is fairly recent and you are dealing with the impact, the solution may be minor. you will probably have no physical symptoms as a result of the emotional pain. most people have the skills for treating this kind of wound. you will be able to realize the comments made are not a realistic description of who you are and how you conduct your life. you can confront the person who made them and set healthy boundaries for going forward. you can treat the wound with forgiveness and find the ability to move on to be quite simple.

so, what if it’s a deeper wound?

i gave you a generic list of some of my emotional wounds. one of my deeper wounds was the death of my fiancé. this is a good example of having a deep wound.

i was a shy, timid young woman in my twenties. like most young women, i dreamed of finding mister right. why, i am not sure. seriously, at the time, i was far too immature in my thinking. i sometimes wonder if we don’t train little girls to dream of a magical wedding and a happily ever after without the life skills to prepare for reality. nonetheless, i met an amazing young man during my college years. we fell in love, planned a future together and began making preparations for getting married.

graduation from college occurred on Friday night. my family, some friends, Craig and i attended graduation and then stayed over the weekend to make some wedding plans. once they were complete, we headed toward my home in Illinois approximately 8 hours away. the plan was for Craig to stay with us for a while so that he and my family could get to know one another better. he would then travel home and detour to Colorado where we planned to live and work with youth following the wedding.

we had a blast traveling toward my home. my dad is quite the jokester and Craig had a great sense of humor so he played along…i remember lots of laughing and joy.

thirteen miles from home, one of the cars needed gas. my parents decided to go on home and leave us “kids” to get the gas and then head home. however, before we made it home, the car that Craig, my baby sister and i were in, was struck by a drunken driver. my 8-year-old sister received minor injuries but witnessed the entire event. i was unconscious most of the time but came-to for brief amounts of time. Craig was fatally wounded.

the car that was following ours

i had never really experienced loss like this before. i was in hospital with fairly serious injuries as well; broken jaw, lacerations, concussion, and others. as well, because i had a concussion, i remember very little of the week following the accident. during that week, this precious man that i loved was laid to rest and i was not able to attend.

in one event, i suffered:

major injuries to my body
loss of a loved one and no closure for the loss
and the end of an important relationship
loss of my a dream
change of direction in my life
lost memory of the event

the loss in itself was traumatizing. the loss of my memory concerning the accident details added distress. not being able to attend the funeral and my memory loss brought great torment. needless to say, my family, Craig’s family and i were not equipped for this event. the wound was deep and severe. we all attempted recover the best we knew how. yet, this wound remained unhealed in my heart for many years. the result was deep impact to many areas of my life.

in addition, because this wound was not healing properly, minor emotional wounds – like being stopped by a policeman for a broken tail light – became bigger problems than they needed to be.

i required help with this wound. i am very grateful for the help i received. that was 30 years ago now. i have a scar. the wound is no longer painful. the scar, however, reminds me that i had been blessed to have loved but i also lost. i can now be grateful for the time i was given and i hold precious memories. i have been able to come to terms with the loss and move forward and live.

whether minor or severe, the treatment process can be applied. we will look at that in future posts.

today, hopefully, you can use the information to assess the wound. ask yourself these questions:

did the emotional pain cause a small, surface or large, deep wound?
when did the emotional pain occur?
what am i feeling as a result?
am i having any physical symptoms as a result of the emotional pain?

once the wound is assessed, let’s look at how to apply the treatment. as always as with physical wounds, if symptoms persist…see a professional.

feel free to download my Emotional Wounds PDF. it describes some common emotional wounds to help you identify what you might be dealing with.

we’ll keep walking through the steps. i would love for you to join me,

Give Some Thought To What You Do

Posted on July 18, 2013 by Dee Clark

maybe just think it over a little bit more.

unity – body, soul and spirit…the three working together for wholeness

Posted on July 18, 2013 by Dee Clark

i have passed the 100 post goalpost for my blog. celebrate. celebrate. ok, i’m not throwing a party exactly. i am using it as part of my daily gratitude attitude. therefore, i am celebrating. if you have enjoyed any part of this journey with me…i would adore the fact that you smile at my celebration.

let’s review for a minute. in my posts 9 warnings that your emotional well-being might be at risk and what sea glass taught me about emotional healing, i have discussed how to recognize who needs emotional healing. basically, we all need healing for wounded emotions just like we all need physical healing from time to time.

today, let’s look at the function of our emotions in relation to our entire being.

when we use the word “I” to describe ourselves, most often we are referring to our body. i am 5’2″, i weigh (??…no, way am i telling you that…i’m not being that transparent today…forget it..lol), i have brown eyes, and brown hair. we are describing the solid, visible part of who we are.

however, we are made up of three parts in our being. we sort of recognize it but most of our focus is based on the part we can actually see and touch. we have a soul/heart/emotional part and we have a spirit part to our being (both invisible). the physical part is easiest to relate to, therefore, receives most of our attention. although, a healthy, well balanced body is vital for the other two parts of our being to even exist, we must realize that without the three parts working independently in a healthy way – the unity of the whole can not achieve successful living.

the body functions so that we are mobile, can process information, and take action. in order for it to operate, the components must remain in a purified state. that is why it is so important not to put junk into it. my diesel van will not tolerate regular gas without shutting down. the body, we know, is the same. put rubbish in…problems occur in it’s ability to function properly. end of story. the body has a system that warns it of harm and danger. the system is called our senses; taste, sight, smell, hearing and touch. we utilize this system to alert the body of potential danger.

the spirit functions so that we can process moral right and wrong – so that our being can make choices that move us in the direction of success and a safe environment. it’s the foundation of our value system. keeping a purified spirit is also vital for it to function properly. now, i can hear some of you saying…well, if you are going to talk to me about GOD…i don’t want to hear it. that’s ok. i understand that there are people who don’t believe that God even exists. if they do believe in a god, it might not be what i believe. got it! please, no hateful comments. i will be happy to respect where you are. please respect mine. however, it does not change the fact that we have a spirit. that spirit is the part of our being that keeps us making choices between right and wrong. the spirit also has a system; faith, hope, reverence, worship, and prayer. this system works like our senses do. they are key indicators and provide warning signs of potential danger. example: don’t steal that, don’t cheat on your wife, don’t over spend or you will find yourself in financial trouble. it also is the part of our being that drives us toward worship, admiration and reverence. we all have seen the negative effects of setting our values aside in order to attain gratifying goal. i ignored my conscience many times so that i could eat rubbish that added many unwanted pounds of weight to my body. been there. done that.

the soul/heart/emotional part of our being is intended to keep us alert, growing, creative and enjoying our lives. the system the soul has for functioning involves our feelings. they are a gauge, as you have heard me say before, intended to help protect our heart/soul from damage. our emotions store information and play back messages that warn us that something is not as it should be.

the unity of the three functioning independently but together is a confusing concept. however, we have to get our heads around it, somehow, in order to be whole and live the best life possible. any functioning body – human, relationship, marriage, business or team – operating outside of unity will not remain in a healthy state for a prolonged amount of time. it’s wisdom. period. we have all seen things fall apart as soon as unity does. have you ever felt like “i’m falling apart?” maybe…just maybe there is some truth in that.

when any part of the whole acts solely, independently and in its own best interest, the other parts suffer. this act is called rebellion. the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention. the evidence is easy to see in light of visible things; society, governments, friendships, children/family and so on. we are all amazed when we see blatant rebellion. it’s a bit disturbing even when we can understand a part of the viewpoint behind it. the end result is usually devastation even when the point has been made.

my point today is that in order for emotional well-being to be maintained, we must unify the parts. each part of the person must function in a healthy way. when one or more of the parts are not functioning as they were designed to, we must take intentional, purposeful action to restore and heal the wounded part for the betterment of the whole.

therefore, emotional healing requires that we work on these functions:

cognitive – our thought processes and how we interpret information both past and present
spirit work – understand our value system and truth
emotional – what, why and how we feel
behavioural – our habits, actions and reactions

when i was battling with bulimia, here is how the breakdown occurred. emotional trauma lead to my mind thinking that i was pretty much worthless. this message reverberated over and over in my life -usually because i kept telling myself i was worthless. a negative event would reinforce this “lie” as truth. faith (what we believe) comes by hearing. well, i heard the message loud and clear until all of me believed it to my core. this caused my heart to ache. none of us want to be worthless. we, i, wanted to have value. i wanted to feel accepted and significant. however, the message that my thinking was confirming to me was that every negative event in my life confirmed…no worth. it was very painful. by not adjusting the message to one of truth, i could not receive proper relief. therefore, my emotions were screaming at me that something was WRONG…”i should not feel this way”. when the pain continued, my behaviour and habits moved into destructive patterns that put my body at risk. i was attempting to quiet the screaming emotions. bulimia = painful event + wrong thinking (cognitive) + wrong belief (spirit) + painful emotions (feelings) + addictive or destructive habits (behaviour). it became a terribly painful cycle. a cycle that i desperately wanted help to get out of.

want to know something cool? we all get wounded…yes! body, soul and spirit…we all have had wounds to these parts of our being! AND we all can heal. there is a way for healing to occur for all three parts of our being. there is a way to restore each part to proper, free function so that they can work in a united way called wholeness.

i hope you will keep following my heart as i share how this is possible.

tomorrow, we will look at what emotional wounds look like and how they interrelate throughout our being.

i look forward to meeting again. thanks for stopping by,

you are strong

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

what sea glass taught me about emotional healing

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

i grabbed my camera this morning and headed out for the beach. just for a quiet walk. the weather has been a bit nasty lately and the sun was peeking through the clouds. i decided the sun and i had a long overdue meeting that needed to take place.

the harbour was beautiful with the sun beaming off the water. as i walked, i noticed a pair of paradise ducks. actually, i couldn’t help but notice them as they were screaming at each other. my husband was telling me that they mate for life and if one of them dies, the other lives on without a mate. i wondered if they would miss the screaming? my guess is that they would. no matter how crazy things get, you really do miss the noise someone makes when they are not there. i supposed that ducks are the same.

they settled after a while and i assumed they had sorted their differences.

before i knew it, they took flight and were flying off into the horizon.

i headed around to the back beach to watch the waves roll into shore. they are beautiful from the beach but they are fierce. i sat and snapped away – i was trying to get some great shots of the water as it hit the rocks. as i sat on one of the big boulders, i noticed a glistening near my feet in the gravel. the beach here is not just sand. it is filled with pebbles, rocks and glistening things. when i reached down to pick up this object that had grabbed my attention, i realized it was glass. it was sea glass…and it was beautiful. well, my focus was no longer on the waves…i was away treasure hunting.

as i began to gather the little beauties, i noticed that some of them were perfectly smooth, some were not; some still bore the sharp edges or chips and some were larger, some were tiny. my favorite pieces were the smoothest ones. i had recently read about how sea glass was made and wanted to find some. so, today was a good day. i looked out at the waves again. i realized that my heart during my journey had been shattered into many pieces at times like the shards i found on the beach. i realized that the tumultuous waves i had experienced along the way served an important purpose. they caused the broken, cutting pieces to round out into something beautiful and useful.

my plan for my blog today was to explore the question, “what is emotional healing and who needs it?”

i think we all need a degree of healing at many times in our lives. unless you are a robot, of course. humans who live everyday interacting with other humans will come across times when they experience painful situations.

brokenness or wounds occur when an event:

occurs unexpectedly
you weren’t prepared for it
you felt powerless to prevent it
it happened repeatedly
someone was intentionally cruel
childhood traumas

i thought of the list events that caused brokenness and wounding in my heart:

childhood trauma
moving a lot as a young child
near drowning as a child
a fatal car accident
death of my fiance
abusive relationships
miscarriages
divorce
breast cancer
separation from one of my children
loss of a close friend
offenses

i wondered how i was still standing. the reality is that i am still standing because i eventually looked for wholeness and healing.

what is emotional healing?

to heal is to make whole, to restore what was diseased or wounded to a place of soundness, to restore normal function. the state of a person in which parts are sound, well organized, well related and in which they all perform freely their natural function. A state of no pain.

the state of a person in which parts are sound. some of those parts have a differing shape than before but when healing occurs, like the sea glass, the brokenness is rounded and smoothed so that they can perform their natural function without pain or causing pain.

it is when you or i are not able to find healing that one event piles on top of the previous and dysfunction occurs. we are not built to endure long term pain therefore, something has to give relief.

often times, the relief is evident in impaired abilities:

having trouble functioning at home or work
suffering from severe fear, anxiety, or depression
unable to form close, satisfying relationships
experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
avoiding more and more things that remind you of the trauma
emotionally numb and disconnected from others
addictions such as using food, sex, alcohol or drugs to feel better

at this point, even simple negative events can feel very traumatic.

for example, i have a very sensitive heart. i am sympathetic and empathetic. i can easily relate to sad stories, commercials, movies, and books. i am easily in the emotion of the story. i actually quite like that about myself. crying, itself has a lot of healing benefits. however, before i began my journey toward emotional healing…i cried about everything – at the drop of a hat. i felt really sorry for policemen who pulled me over. i would be a crying mess by the time they got out of their cars to let me know why they stopped me. i remember on time, this policeman walked up to my window and i was bawling. he said to me, “i just wanted to let you know that your tail light was out!”

my ability to function normally was being prevented and the sadness in my heart was spilling out EVERYWHERE. not good. lol…it was a good indication that i was not functioning normally.

each of the events i have listed above no longer stir pain within my heart. i am able to deal with negatives and sort them out fairly quickly. the key is to be able to meet what comes at you and me on a day to day basis so that there is not a pile up.

if you find yourself in situations that throw you for a loop, you may need to work toward healing past events to resume normal function. if the events were traumatic and cause you severe pain, again asking for help is important. you do not have to flounder around not knowing how the wound should be healed.

if i can be of help, please feel free to contact me. i have had many women contact about the wounds they have experienced and are still facing. i will continue to share some helpful information via my blogs. i will present encouraging quotes, wisdom from proverbs and other truths that i have found helpful. together, we will walk this journey toward greater wholeness. it can be obtained.

we will never be able to prevent pain from occurring but it does not have to control our lives in a negative way.

keep walking…keep hoping…keep dreaming…for life should be lived largely and fully.

have a great day,

be the inspiration for someone’s smile today

Posted on July 16, 2013 by Dee Clark

9 warnings that your emotional well-being might be at risk

Posted on July 16, 2013 by Dee Clark

i understand the warning signs that my body is not functioning properly. i can see and feel most of the symptoms as they present themselves. when i recognize what symptoms i am dealing with, i can make a decision concerning the seriousness and appropriate treatment.

normally, if the symptom are not serious and within my realm of ability to treat, i address the symptom. if i have a minor cut and bleeding, i wash the cut, apply antibacterial cream and grab a bandage. if i am running a fever, have a cough and runny nose, i treat a cold or flu.

when i had breast cancer, i knew that something was not right but couldn’t put my finger on the problem. i had to see a doctor for a diagnosis.

when i have no symptoms but want to ensure that i continue enjoying a healthy lifestyle, i have annual check-ups with my health professionals.

i think it is equally as important to recognize when our emotional well-being is healthy or recognize the warnings that there might be something wrong.

our emotional well-being becomes wounded when we experience damage to intimacy, acceptance, value and sense of belonging. most emotional wounds will fall under one of these categories including abuse. abuses attack our sense of value, tramples our boundaries for intimacy, threatens our perception of acceptance and crushes our sense of belonging in a safe environment.

the wounds appear as symptoms in four areas; our thinking, our emotions, our behaviours and our spirit.

healthy emotions are easy to identify. they are identified by:

love
joy
peace
forbearance
kindness
goodness
faithfulness
gentleness
self-control

wouldn’t you agree that when you are feeling at your emotional best…these are evident and flowing freely?

in the same way that it easy to detect a fever when it is coming on (your temperature goes up…and up…and up), there are warning signs when your emotional well-being is at risk. these warning signs will indicate that there a wound, a potential problem or a threat that requires attention. like physical symptoms, if the symptoms are temporary and pass quickly, there is usually not a problem. however, if these emotional symptoms persist, healing action should be taken. Allowed to continue, they will prevent you from being free to do what you desire to do to build an overall healthy lifestyle.

the symptoms are identified as:

hatred
deep sorrow or sadness
constant agitation, anger, and snappiness
persistent desire to give up or quit
harshness, being deliberately hurtful and cutting
feeling or acting revengeful, deliberately choosing wrong actions over right
being deceitful, untrustworthy, disloyal, or cheating
being overly forceful, heavy-handed, or extreme intensity
being unsettled, unable to control negative impulses

people everywhere are struggling with wounded emotions. their hearts have endured many negative experiences resulting in untold damage. the damage needs to be dealt with in order for healthy well-being to be restored. when it comes to emotional issues, people have become very skilled at building defence mechanisms, sweeping the issues under the carpet or pretending they don’t exist. these mechanisms inhibit their pursuit of happy, healthy living.

even though the damage occurs against your will, you do not have to allow them to persist, grow or control your life. you can begin to treat the symptoms before they become too serious – if you recognize the warnings. if the symptoms have reached a serious state, you can reach out for help – with prayer, talk to a trusted friend, or seek a professional for help.

we all are going to get a few bumps and bruises along the way. offenses will come. early detection is vital to the prevention of more serious problems.

last week, i recognized myself becoming less and less tolerant and a bit snappy.

i took my emotional temperature. i observed my reactions, my thoughts, emotions and behaviours.
i got quiet. i know that when my reactions and behaviours are a bit out of line – i need to adjust something. for the well-being of my relationships, i get quiet to prevent causing damage. it actually took me a couple of days to pinpoint the problem which is ok. i just guard my behaviours and emotions to keep them in better alignment.
once i knew what was causing the symptoms to manifest, i took action. i discovered that i had an agreement with someone that i felt had been broken. i could take control of the problem and address the issue.
i determined my role and took responsibility. i needed to accept my role in the break down. was it communication? or expectations? had i carried out my part in the agreement? was there anything on my part that needed to be taken care of?
i needed to communicate the issue and see what solution could be achieved.

when i treated the problem, the symptoms disappeared pretty quickly. ignoring the issue and pretending that i was not effected would not have returned my emotions to a calm, peaceful state. even if i was unable to completely resolve the problem, i am in control of my reactions and can avert negative consequences. i can’t control others but i can control myself and maintain my own well-being.

check your emotional temperature…your emotional well-being may be at risk…if it is…take action…today.

i hope to see you again soon,

face the worst in the world with the best in you

Posted on July 15, 2013 by Dee Clark

A gentle response defuses anger,
but a sharp tongue kindles tempers. – Proverbs

there seems to be heightened emotions swirling in the world today.

don’t let the tension it produces change your response.

gentle responses defuse situations.

sharpness ignites.

even if you feel strongly passionate about the issues –

let the worst in the situation

come face to face

with the best of you.

may there be peace on earth – shalom (nothing missing, nothing broken).

Do you know your value?

Posted on July 14, 2013 by Dee Clark

Dustin Hoffman’s video came across my path recently. i was touched as i listened to his heart concerning playing the part of a women in the movie Tootsie. for a moment in time, he was given the opportunity to see inside the heart of a woman and how easily dismissed they can be because the package is not well received.

it made me think of one of my friends. my friend and i stood in front of a casket. hearts heavy and tears falling. she whispered, “he’s the only man who ever made me feel loved”. honestly, she is one in millions, crying out for someone to, “look at me”… the diamond she is, the value she has to offer and the love within her heart to share.

while i would dearly love to eradicate appearance judgement; magically causing the world see through compassionate eyes, i can’t. what i can do is encourage you, as a woman, to look at yourself through eyes of compassion.

when others reject us, we often turn that rejection inward and feel like we are un-loveable. we may be flawed by unfortunate circumstances experienced along our journey but they do not render us unworthy of love. we may need and be willing to change when possible but we need to give ourselves a break during the process.

our lives are full of relationships. many of them can be disappointing. however, the most important relationship that you have in your life is with you. you spend the most time with yourself. developing a healthy respect, acceptance and love for yourself is key to emotional well-being. learning to be patient, gentle and kind with yourself is the most valuable lesson you can learn so that your journey is unhindered. encouraging yourself to be the best you can be and to have the courage to carry out your purpose will help to guard your heart against the pain of rejection.

i was looking at the photo yesterday that i had taken of the pink lily. when i shot the photo, i didn’t even notice the little bee buzzing near the center of the flower. my thoughts went to the way the bee had just carried on doing what it did in its existence. it didn’t seem concerned about its size, or purpose or acceptance. i’m not sure it matters to the bees in the world if the honey they make will be valued by anyone. i’m not even sure they realize that we eat it. they just work away producing what they produce…and others benefit.

we should be like that. we should accept who we are and what we have to offer…just buzzing along down our path and produce a beautiful product…others will benefit.

when we invest the effort to love and accept ourselves, whether others love us as we wish they would or not, we gain the ability to live happily and emotionally strong.

i believe you are a diamond with your own unique cut and brilliance. all diamonds have a few flaws that occur during the formation process but the flaws don’t have to prevent your sparkle or refraction of light.

don’t believe the lie that value is directly related to anything other than being exactly the you that you are. acknowledge your flaws, continuing working on them and be like a diamond -reflect light and love in spite of them…they are part of your brilliance.Do you know your

being you is success

Posted on July 13, 2013 by Dee Clark

i’ve never given much thought to how small or insignificant i might be. i’m far too busy gathering what i need to produce sweetness. i am not concerned whether my product is accepted, approved or required. what i do nourishes me and others…that’s all that matters.

i am far too busy to worry that the flower overshadows my existence with its beauty. i bring it opportunity for multiplication. it offers me morsels for creativity. we need one another. mutual respect for the other’s purpose.

i am happy with my place in the world. i don’t know how long i’ll be around to do what i do…today, the sunshine, the flower and flight. that’s enough – for now.

buzzing, busy, purpose-full…resulting in sweet, golden success. that’s all…but that’s enough!

isn’t it awesome to be you?