it’s not PMS

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

i know, before you even think it…this life development skill is a tough one. love…can be tough sometimes…but it is not touchy, or resentful.

let me just say before i go on that although this skill is difficult to develop at the start…it is probably one of the most effective skills to have under your life tool belt.

as a woman, we are emotional to the core. it can be far too easy to just go with it. yet, this one back fires on us continually if we don’t get it under control. not being touchy is only going to be successful if self-control is applied.

so, no more blaming PMS or guys, whatever you blame.

the topics i have been covering concerning love require a sensitive heart. however, being touchy is the polar opposite.

a touchy person makes you feel like you must walk around on egg shells. believe me, this makes the relationship extremely difficult.

a touchy person is never happy unless things go according to their wishes.

a touchy person indirectly intimidates others, causes a lot of drama, and often has meltdowns unless their needs are met.

a touchy person will use manipulation although they appear passive and compliant.

a touchy person often pouts and emotionally punishes those around them.

do you know this person? have you been this person?

remember, i often say, “hurting people hurt people”. if you are dealing with a person like this or are this person -it’s a pretty good indication that there are deeper underlying personal problems that the person (or you) are dealing with.

it’s like reaching out and touching a fresh wound. have you ever had a bruise, sun burn or wound that someone innocently smacks. you scream out. the person who smacked you may have been giving you a friendly pat and is shocked at the reaction. you, on the other hand, are reeling with pain all over again.

touchiness is like that. previous pain to the heart causes a person to be hyper-sensitive to what may not have been intended to wound.

since we have all been wounded before, it is possible that we face some touchy moments.

1. you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. if the wound is deeper than you know how to fix…there is help! don’t isolate yourself and remain in a painful state.

2. forgive. whether you need to distance yourself from an offender or not, forgiveness is necessary for the wound to heal, for real love to operate in your heart toward others, for peace of mind to return, and for touchiness to subside.

3. find the trigger that sets you off. if you can begin to objectively look at what causes you to feel touchy, it becomes easier to identify where self-control needs to applied.

following my abusive relationship, one of my triggers was rudeness and disrespect. there were times that i interpreted things as rude when it wasn’t meant that way. i had to look honestly at what really was rude and what i was perceiving that way. i also had to convince myself that NOT everyone was like my abuser just waiting for the opportunity to hurt me. it took time but with purposeful action, one step at a time, i was able to free my heart…and you can, too.

resentment will have similar affects. resentment addresses the injustice of the pain, i think. it is difficult to let go…but tying yourself to injustice only puts you in a prison to the offence.

moving forward and attempting to love others becomes almost impossible. i see it like a cancer. you think you can contain it to one area (the offender) but it slowly, stealthily spreads out even onto people you would never dream of wanting to hurt -children, spouses, family and friends.

are you sweating this one? i know! it’s a tough one.

and love takes no account of a wrong suffered.

there was a day that this made me gasp for breath. seriously. again, let me make it VERY clear…this DOES NOT mean you must endure abuse! you have a right to be treated fairly, appropriately and safely! i endured abuse thinking that i was required to just wipe the slate clean and go back for more. this is not what this means.

however, once i was no longer being abused and was healed (yes, i had to heal before i reached this step)…there was a day that my heart could move past the pain and live as if there had been no “wrong suffered”.

this is where we get the saying, love like you have never been hurt. what an amazing thing when we are able to forgive, release and heal enough to allow love to fill our hearts like we have never been hurt…at that point -resentment fades, touchiness ceases and we are truly living and loving the way we have hoped deep within the heart.

now, i’m touchy but it’s in a positive way…i can’t help reaching out and touching others in a compassionate way…and what a lovely reaction that brings. the world is searching for love…a love that is a safe place for their hearts. a refuge.

love has a cost. but aren’t we used to paying the cost for a worthwhile product…love is definitely good value!

i can’t tell you how happy i am that you have stopped by to read my blog. thank you!

love is selfless

Posted on September 16, 2013 by Dee Clark

isn’t it maddening when you don’t get your own way?

if there is one characteristic of love that we face conflict with on a constant basis…it would probably be that love is not full of pride.

pride -what a troublesome thing it is.

i suppose Mr Franklin was onto something. you know, even shy, timid, low self-esteem can bear the weight of pride deep within. i know because i grew up with an extreme case of shyness. do you know how much time i consumed thinking about “me” and how i would cope in differing situations? as well, how i would over compensated with a rotten attitude. maybe you are different, but sadly, more times than not this is the case.

i have a theory though. if we would treat those we “love” the way we treat someone we want to impress…pride would easily be put in its place.

think about it. when you go on a first date, you use your manners, use a lot of respect and watch what comes out of your mouth. if you attend an interview, you put your best “selfless” foot to the forefront (while selling your strengths humbly). if you meet with a respected leader, mentor or public figure…you are humble, kind and generous. in fact, even many strangers can attest to our ability to behave appropriately and selflessly.

Joyce Meyer gives an example of a person who is loosing it behind close doors. this person says they can’t help how they act because that is just how they are. she laughs and says she knows that isn’t true. because while this person is having a meltdown, if she were to ring the door bell, when the person came to the door and realised Joyce was standing there, they would immediately change the way they were acting and be sweet, kind and generous to her.

has that ever happened to you. you are in the midst of a tantrum (of sorts) and the doorbell or phone rings and all of a sudden you are calm, cool and collected?

i think we all might have been there and done that.

we get familiar with those who are close to us…those we love and are close to. by observing our behaviour with those we are not so familiar with, i believe we can begin to address prideful behaviours and change them.

pride causes us:

to be preoccupied with ourselves. what we want, why we want it, how we are going to get it, and who is responsible to give it to us.

to be preoccupied with our importance compared to others -whether we believe it is more or less.

to be preoccupied dominating situations and people in order to protect our pride and desires.

to be preoccupied with extracting what we need and our expectations.

i thought about the word preoccupation. preoccupation came become so second nature to us that we act sub-conscientiously and don’t understand when others feel our behaviours are inappropriate.

we all know the saying, “do unto others, what you would have them do unto you.”

we tend to quote it when someone is not being nice to us…and don’t want to know it when we are the one not “playing nicely”.

i take this thought a step further and say, “give to others what you give to yourself”. i am quite tolerant with myself. i go out of my way to take care of my needs (even when some of my needs are wants and pleasures). i give myself “my rights” and an expectation of respect. i even accept my own excuses for my failures, pick myself up and try again…without a lot of grief.

offering the same to others simplifies most relationships. remember, before i began this series of posts that i said in cases of abuse you -must understand that if your right actions are not helping to stop the abuse and you are not safe, you need to seek help.

if you look at the people around you, they are not all that different than you. they will be in search of selfless love, acceptance and belonging. sometimes the way we go about getting those things can be hurtful…especially, if our pride is driving us to extract them.

wisdom says that if you want love…give love. plant the seeds that will in time bring a harvest.

don’t be afraid to love like you have never been hurt. don’t allow a fear of not having your needs met cause you to act in pride to manipulate, dominate and attempt to extract what you want regardless of the cost to another person.

there is nothing as satisfying as selfless love coming our way…giving selfless love can be just as satisfying.

love is not full of pride. to love without pride requires intentional, purposeful action…action we can all take.

if you want to practice this…random acts of kindness are a great way to demonstrate love without pride. except…for this practice session…do it for someone you know…someone you love. maybe someone you know who has become difficult to love…see if, given sincerely, if it doesn’t begin to break down some of those walls of defence.

i’m pretty sure you will find that real love will make a real difference in the relationships you are committed to.

what the world needs is love? then let’s share the love posts…and work together to spread the word.

thank you for reading. it’s always nice to have you stop by,
D

patience has a partner in love

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Dee Clark

all of creation responds to kindness in a similar way. kindness disarms defences and brings hearts to a common level.

i’m not all surprised that the the first description of what real love looks like is that love is patient followed by love is kind. have you ever attempted to show kindness in a state of impatience? can you say difficult? however, have you shown kindness and seen impatience melt like snow?

one of my pet peeves is rudeness. funny thing is that my distaste for rudeness can make me impatient and rude…dah, dee…how does that work? you dislike rude people so you’ll be rude. that is not a congruent philosophy, is it?

a key to converting impatience to patience is the space between our impulses and our actions. it’s all about the timing.

customer service people often face hour by hour rude customer’s which can wear them down and bring out the rudeness in their personalities. dealing with a rude store clerk provokes a reaction inside me. there was a time that it provoked anger, frustration and corresponding responses…but over time i’ve learned that if i allow a kind response to provoke my actions, the result is more beneficial.

i was standing in line the other day at a shop and the clerk was not very nice. i stood and listened as she snapped at customer after customer. some customers snapped back and others exhibited the sting on their stunned faces. when it was my turn to be served, i began with, ” bless your heart, it looks like you are rushed off your feet. does that make for a rough day?” her whole demeanor changed. “i’m having such a difficult day.” then she began to share her heart concerning many other difficulties she was facing in her life. i was presented with a wounded heart. opportunities like that are jewels to me and had i impulsively responded to her rudely…i would have denied myself that opportunity. by the time i stepped away from the counter, she and i were giggling, she gave me a special manager’s discount and she thanked me for putting her day back into a positive perspective. as i approached the exit i heard her say, ” hello, how is your day going? at least the sun is shining, that makes the day more fun when you are shopping.” the customer behind me was being greeted kindly and cheerfully.

patience and kindness are partners when it comes to love. they are a great team!

on this subject, i think Paul had some great advice (message version):
if you help, just help, don’t take over;
if you teach, stick to your teaching;
if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy;
if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate;
if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond;
if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them.

Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it.
Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good.
Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame.
Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant.
Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder.

Help the needy; be inventive in hospitality.
Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath.
Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down.

Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up.
Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody.

Don’t hit back;
discover beauty in everyone.

If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody.

Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness.

Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

a kind heart is not for the wimpy…it shows strength of character and maturity.

Paul also advised, “Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking…always dragging you down to its level of immaturity.” it is much easier to fit into a grumpy culture; however, it’s not nearly as rewarding. being grumpy doesn’t get you closer to your goals and dreams of being loved…but kindness will.

even the most difficult person to deal with is on a search for acceptance and love. the love we long for is true and genuine…and it is patient and kind.

my advice for practicing kindness: the most fun you’ll have is to get out there and share a few random acts of kindness…it will melt your heart and the hearts of those you show kindness to…have fun with it!

remember practice makes perfect, this one should be easy!

if you accept the challenge, let me know how it goes in the comments section…or share how you have turned potentially volatile situations around by showing love in the form of kindness.

thanks for reading,
D

How One Moment Helps Avoid Sorrow

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

wisdom is a useful key when it comes to life skills. if we want to avoid sorrow resulting from out of control situations when anger flares…practice patience. it really is an effective skill.

Nature Has A Secret

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

don’t wear someone else’s armour

Posted on August 14, 2013 by Dee Clark

who’s armour are you wearing?

children find playing dress up a lot of fun. my granddaughter loves grabbing my shoes and walking around the house feeling big. wearing my winter boots is the most amusing…they cover her entire leg and she trips a lot because of the extended, unused portion in the toes. quite cute, though.

i find that even adults play dress up, of sorts, but doing so is not as fun as when we were children. in fact, wearing someone else’s armour (as i call it) can cause grief.

let me share this story with you then i will explain further.

there was a young boy who lived in Israel. one day his father sent him on an errand to take lunch to his soldier brothers. as he approached the military camp, he noticed a bit of a ruckus going on.

he watched curiously. before him was a massive soldier taunting his brothers’ battalion. his brothers and the other men did not look as brave and threatening as he would have imagined them to be in response. in fact, they weren’t doing anything but shaking in their boots.

his steps quickened, he didn’t feel his age, courage seemed to be building within him…bullying is just not right, something needed to be done.

he located his brothers and questioned, “what’s his problem? someone should put him in his place!”

his brothers’ laughed, thanked him for lunch and suggested he retreat back to his father where it was safe. frontline battle was no place for their kid brother.

in the distance he could hear the huge man yelling, “Come on, you cowards…is there not one of you brave enough to fight me! come on, let’s do this! get over here, i’ll wipe the floor with you!”

the taunting angered the young man, “why are you all just standing there? somebody do something. there is no way this guy can win!” no one replied. “then i’ll go! what’s the prize?” laughter erupted. “yeah, right!”

he went to the King who was leading the army and offered to go. he explained how he had successfully protected his father’s sheep from dangerous animals because his God had given him wisdom and strength.

it sounded pretty far fetched but, honestly, there was no one else stepping up to take this bully on. at the resistance of his men, he gave the order for the young man to be dressed for battle. in fact, the King would give him the best armour available…his. he would also give the boy his fine sword. maybe the boy’s blood would satisfy the angry enemy enough for him to retreat back to his camp for the night.

when the men finished fitting the boy with the armour, they presented him to the king. he was ready for this crazy plan. the king questioned whether he was sure he wanted to go through with the whole thing.

“absolutely! i’m not afraid! I trust my God to be with me!” he started to take a step and nearly tripped. the armed host roared in laughter. “i can do this but not with all this armour…it doesn’t fit…it wasn’t made for me. get it off me!!”

the boy laid down the sword, took off
monstrous armour and walked toward the battle field leaving all the men behind him shaking their heads in doubt, “he’s gonna get slaughtered.”

he didn’t, though. he took that gigantic man down -in his own clothes and using his own simple weapon. once down, he finished the bully off with his own sword.

his brothers and their comrades were no longer laughing…they were cheering for him. the enemy wasn’t laughing either…they were running.

who’s armour are you wearing?

are you wearing your own armour or someone else’s?

sometimes, we see what someone else is doing and think, “i should put that on and let it work for me.” the problem is that someone else’s armour (what works for them) was custom made to fit them and their situation.

what fits their life probably won’t fit you like it does them. you might stumble around and end up falling on your face.

you and i must be confident in what custom fits our life in order to achieve the best results.

my husband and i refer to this story often. we all know that men and women think, act and produce in deferring ways. sometimes, i think my husband should just suck it up and do things the right way…my way. 😜

however, he will say to me, “i’m going to go ahead and just where my armour on this one.” in other words, ” it might be a differing approach to yours but i’ll function better if i use my skills, my way.”

sometimes, i have to remind him of the same.

we all want to succeed. we may admire the success that others have achieved. we may be able to learn wisdom from their journey but we cannot put on their armour and it fit perfectly to our situation.

nor can we expect others to put on our armour and make it fit their lives. parents have difficulty remembering this when it comes to their adult children.

i have had times that i wanted my daughter to take my approach to raising her children or caring for her household. i have also had to respectfully take a giant step back and allow her to take my armour off and be free to put on what fits best for her.

we must trust the person to make their journey in their way using the special specific gifts and skills uniquely designed for them.

we also have to trust the same in our own lives. there are many things that i would love to do but i just don’t possess those specific skills, personality traits or talents. i love to laugh. i enjoy sitting with my witty brother and hearing what he comes up with off the top of his head. i laugh and giggle.

i decided one day that i’d give being a comedian a shot. i chose a handicapped person in the grocery store that i wanted to make smile…and i went in for the kill wearing my brother’s armour that I dearly admired.

i died out there…or probably should have!

firstly, i had terrible material, an inappropriate audience (an unwilling one as well) and my timing was way off. witty, funny or encouraging…those words do not describe my performance at all! i was more like a creepy weirdo. i wanted to crawl in a hole ( and should have!)

my armour would have been to stop, have polite, caring conversation and see if i could assist reaching something that they could not reach. that approach fits me better…works much better for me and people i encounter.

i learned that day that i have no sense of humor 😍 but i am good at offering kindness and a helping hand…and i should stick with that.

it’s difficult at times…

but truly, the best approach is…

wear your own armour with confidence and assurance…it will fit better than anything else you might try!

maturity is like a harness

Posted on July 13, 2013 by Dee Clark

Maturity is many things. It is the ability to base a judgment on the big picture, the long haul.

It means being able to resist the urge for immediate gratification and opt for the course of action that will pay off later.

One of the characteristics of the young is “I want it now.”

Grown-up people can wait.

Maturity is perseverance–the ability to sweat out a project or a situation, in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging setbacks, and stick with it until it is finished.

The adult who is constantly changing friends and changing mates is immature. He/she cannot stick it out because he/she has not grown up.

Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence or destruction. The mature person can face unpleasantness, frustration, discomfort and defeat without collapsing or complaining. He/she knows he cannot have everything his/her own way every time. He/she is able to defer to circumstances, to other people-and to time. He/she knows when to compromise and is not too proud to do so.

Maturity is humility. It is being big enough to say, “I was wrong.” And, when he/she is right, the mature person need not experience the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so.”

Maturity is the ability to live up to your responsibilities, and this means being dependable. It means keeping your word. Dependability is the hallmark of integrity. Do you mean what you say-and do you say what you mean? Unfortunately, the world is filled with people who cannot be counted on. When you need them most, they are among the missing. They never seem to come through in the clutches. They break promises and substitute alibis for performance. They show up late or not at all. They are confused and disorganized. Their lives are a chaotic maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business and good intentions that somehow never materialize. They are always a day late and a dollar short.

Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. Immature people spend their lives exploring endless possibilities and then doing nothing. Action requires courage. Without courage, little is accomplished.

Maturity is the ability to harness your abilities and your energies and do more than is expected. The mature person refuses to settle for mediocrity. He/she would rather aim high and miss the mark than low-and make it.

Maturity is the art of living in peace with that which cannot be changed, the courage to change that which should be changed, no matter what it takes, and the wisdom to know the difference.
-Ann Landers, columnist

The 7 exercises we discussed yesterday will help develop this type of maturity.

Happy exercising,
D

7 step exercise program for developing strong life qualities

Posted on July 12, 2013 by Dee Clark

mind, body and soul – women are complex beings.

there is a lot of emphasis on taking good care of the body. excellent advice can be found nearly everywhere you turn. i have a lot of fun researching yummy/healthy foods to eat. i love the DYI health resolutions with natural products i have at home. then there are fashion and beauty tips. i like gathering as much information i can so that i can be as effective as possible in my pursuit. some of this advice makes taking care of the body quite fun. we understand how important exercise is to maintaining a healthy body. although not always fun, there are some great ways to get the body moving and have a fun doing it.

our intellectual and emotional health is equally as important. as you know, i do a lot of talking about wisdom. gathering, learning and searching out wisdom to help to keep our minds and emotional well-being as healthy as possible. many of these principles require that we apply discipline and practice them to receive maximum impact.

understanding the logic of being diligent with the mind and body is sometimes easier than the exercise and practice; however, we understand the importance.

therefore, Peter’s proposed 7 step exercise program for the soul/spirit, should not be a foreign idea. we have a responsibility in the our well-being; mind, body and soul.

you must first know what you believe and why. what standard do you live your life by? what do you put your faith in? you also need to know if there is a real basis for what you believe. if you don’t, you don’t have a foundation to build on. when life’s difficulties come and you feel you have been wronged – how do you know? if you have no standard to live by, then how can you have healthy boundaries for yourself or others. you live life as it comes…and frankly, it can be quite cruel.

Peter then tells us it’s not enough to just say you have a belief in something. you must add diligence to your faith. that means again…no magic wand. you add diligence to faith and then exercise the following qualities; activating one which develops the next. it’s like climbing stairs…one step at a time, as you learn and develop one quality, you then activate the next one. you can’t skip steps without missing the foundation to build the next one on.

exercising your faith will develop good character. this stage is where you exercise doing what you do with excellence, not perfection. preform your job for your boss with excellence. hosting a get together, apply excellence. this stage is a great place to exercise “The Law of the Garbage Truck” .
exercising good character will develop spiritual understanding and knowledge. the benefits of good character becomes clear. you begin to understand why you do what you do. we are motivated to take action when we see value in what we are doing.
exercising spiritual understanding develops alert discipline. discipline is required for anything great that we want to achieve. Athletes apply discipline to their sport. professionals apply discipline to their careers. students apply discipline to learning. it is easy to see in other areas of life where discipline is a key factor; therefore, we should not be surprised that in order to develop strong life qualities discipline will play a major part in the process.
exercising discipline develop firm direction, patience and steadfastness. have you ever wished you had more patience? did you know that patience can be developed but you first must have developed discipline? once discipline is developed fully…you can then use that discipline to develop your patience, endurance and steadfastness.
exercising patience develop reverent wonder-godliness. reverence and honor are such important skills. when i came to NZ, many people asked me about America and the honor we show to our servicemen, our president and our country. reverence and honor for God, country and others, promotes a real community type responsibility. i personally will guard reverence and honor, as i feel they are vital qualities for life success. my hope is that you would all see the value of this quality and exercise it. what a different world it would be with a little more respect.
exercising reverence, honor and respect develop warm friendliness. brotherhood, friendships and other relationships are built on a good foundation of honor and respect. we can’t argue with that, aye?
exercising warm friendliness develops generous love. not selfishness. generous love. isn’t that a desire we all have? to be loved genuinely? love is more than just a word. no wonder our hearts get broken so often. reaching this level of love requires a lot of exercise. it must be developed and it is built on a foundation of strong life qualities.

i think you and i could change the world…with a little exercise!

have a great day.

please drop by again soon.

The Law of The Garbage Truck

Posted on July 12, 2013 by Dee Clark

Be an atmosphere changer. I think I have just added another tool to my life skills toolbox. I really enjoyed this post and I think you will too! Have a great day!

Morning Story and Dilbert

How often do you let other people’s nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you’re the Terminator, for an instant you’re probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what’s important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here’s what happened. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car’s back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who…

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