well, maybe not…
follow me into my closet (watch your step)…
the closet was dark. it was a sanctuary of sorts. the place my heart could indulge without shame. shame constantly screamed at my mind. however, for a few short moments, i silenced the torment in that dark closet. i would make a plan before i emerged from this temporary sanctuary; there would be questions to answer. i’d think of something. for now, all i wanted was that sweet sensation of filling my mouth with twinkies, ho-ho’s and snickers. satisfaction would only come if my mouth was so full that there was hardly even room left for breath. yeah, sometimes there wasn’t room for breathing…i’d choke. i couldn’t let that happen though because solitude was vital to success…i did not want that door to be opened. no one could know. i felt the calm come over me. i would sigh. breath deep as if i was inhaling life itself. my eyes would closed to allow my senses to acknowledge every possible sensation. i was so grateful to be alone with this pleasure. 1….2…6…10…12 twinkies demolished. 1…3…6 snickers bars gone. wait, where are the ho-ho’s…what…where…where ARE THEY? they can’t be gone. it can’t be over yet. i’m not ready. i sifted through the empty wrappers. i shook the boxes. it can’t be the end. it can’t be the end. desperation was ascending. not one morsel left. nothing but the rubbish laying at my feet. panic struck my heart. those calm moments of gratitude were being washed away by waves of panic. i knew exactly what was coming next. forget the plan. the pleasure of the past 10 minutes vanished. the replacement tore my heart to shreds…i failed again. i’m an idiot. a worth-while person would be able to get her weight under control. i’m pathetic. why am i so weak? i get stern with myself. this is not acceptable! you did not deserve all those treats! you’ll have to explain where the groceries went (i’ll claim ignorance…after all, i’m on a diet. i won’t be suspected). where did you disappear to (just in my room…didn’t you see me?). idiot! what is your problem? my mind is racing in a hundred directions and not one helpful answer is to be found. there’s one solution. purge. get rid of it. i’d start by vomiting, and then make sure nothing at all passed my lips for the rest of the week. maybe, just maybe, it will prevent any further weight gain. most importantly…i will punish this horrid body of mine for being so weak. an acceptable atonement. punishing myself should make the shame stop. i won’t feel so guilty.
bulimia consumed my high school years and drifted like a ghost through my early adulthood. my physical solution to my internal problem of low self-esteem and self loathing. temporary and tormenting. a dysfunctional solution that became a way of life and my picture of normal life. a vicious cycle that wounded my heart further.
my parents become my accountability. reduced to guarding the bathroom door was not on their top 10 list of parenting duties. yet, they did. they were the beginning support and bless their hearts…i’m sure the day i was born… they never imagined the terror of those years.
addiction (according to Wikipedia):
mood altering substance or behaviour despite adverse consequences.
- impaired control over substances or behavior,
- preoccupation with substance or behavior,
- continued use despite consequences, and
not to mention all resulting little things (weeds) that were growing in the garden of my heart. when you plant a seed, roots develop, a feeding system is produced and “stuff” grows. in this case, the seed was self loathing. a huge root system of low self esteem developed. then any negative re-enforcement fed the root; disapproving looks, teasing, comparisons to a higher standard, and on and on. the weed produced…the “stuff” that grew…anger, resentment, shyness, conflict, jealousy, hiding/secrets, over spending on clothes, wounding beautiful women, wounding women in my condition (they needed punishment, too…i could cry thinking about this one), self-hatred (and that is the short list)…non of which were bringing the beauty i hoped for in my life.
i worked for years applying techniques, recycling back to bulimic like symptoms, trying something new, recycling back to bulimic type symptoms…around and around. the solution seemed to move further and further away. nothing worked and hopelessness flooded my heart. i was thirsty and every time i reached for the bottle of vinegar.
i don’t even think i recognized why i couldn’t get to the bottom line.
my awareness was limited to: body size = acceptance, value and love. (i really felt like i should be able to fix the body size issue. the lie was that fixing my body would fix my heart).
my problem = low self-esteem. to fix the problem i had to get to the root. discovering and facing the problem, honestly, gave me the freedom and ability to find skills and a lasting solution. dealing with the root gave me real power to kill the weeds (the visible stuff).
i wanted a “get fixed quick plan”. after all, in our society there are many messages that convey “quick” is possible…overnight success, miracle diet plans, get rich quick schemes, and on and on…so, hey, i wanted a quick fix, too. it didn’t exist. i just got thirstier.
it took deliberate action. it took patience. it took endurance….it took time.
i had cycled in this addiction for years. i needed time to unlearn poor behaviours and readjust my dysfunctional “norm” to a healthy “norm”.
there was a plan…..
we’re leaving the closet and hitting the track next…
check out my next post…and i’ll show you how my journey to emotional healing and release from the trap of addiction began.
please be sure to stop by the comments section and let me hear from your heart on this post. As well, if you have not signed up to share my journey…click the follow my heart button and you will be notified when new insight’s from my heart are available.
i look forward to seeing you next time,