the path fear follows

20140309-231252.jpgthe unknown
and the unpredictable…the what “if”s…maybe “i can’t”s…the different…

all strike a chord of fear deep in the heart.

this chord sings out that we are helplessness…that our dreams, our future and even our very survival is under threat.

illusive threats pierce through our hopes and frustration sets in.

frustration is enraging; igniting the fiery emotion…anger.

anger is powerful, swift and blinds the heart to reason. anger causes us to want to fight leading us to aggressive behaviours.

but anger must have fuel…it will fizzle with time…and hatred is the fuel that keeps anger burning.

i have found that hate is like cancer. if unattended, it grows deep roots within the heart crowding out love.

hatred alienates us from each other. the heart, dark with hatred, closes in on itself and is no longer capable of fully opening up to embrace love of any kind.

withdrawal from love causes suffering which takes many forms; unforgiveness, regret, discontent, resentment and apathy.

suffering places us back to the unknown, thus reverting to fear…the cycle continues.

we fear a broken heart…

when we fear having our heart broken, it’s not so much about the pain as it is the thought that if broken we can never be whole again.

the anger begins with someone who has broken our heart in the past but swiftly moves toward hatred of potential heart breakers. a closed, isolated heart suffers in loneliness…fearing it will never find it’s deepest desire again.

we fear each other…

we fear that as we observe another person’s creativity (sometimes their very “being”) that there will be no room left for who we are or what we have to give.

fear is birthed in our thoughts and we must be courageous enough to look at it head on…sometimes shaking in our boots…and render it powerless. we must strip fear of it’s power before it takes root.

fear is a lie.

truth, love and hope know no fear…

they blossom in the heart making no room for fear to reside.

a glimpse inside a heart of pain

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as you read my blogs, you will often hear me make the statement “look inside your heart” when attempting to empathize with what someone else is feeling or going through. i believe there are similarities deep within all of our hearts…common threads of emotions whether happiness and joy, or pain and fear.

today, i’m sharing an example of how this works.

20140306-121812.jpgsitting in a cave alone, tired and afraid, the Psalmist David writes these words. just see, if by looking inside your heart, whether or not you can understand his difficulty and relate to the essence of his pain.

he was on the verge of loosing his courage and will to fight.

this is his, “i need some help here. i’m about to loose it!” (as we would say today).

I cry out to the Lord.

I beg the Lord to help me.

I tell him my problems;

I tell him about my troubles.

I am ready to give up.

But you, Lord, know the path I am on,

and you know that my enemies have set a trap for me.

I look around,and I don’t see anyone I know.

I have no place to run.

There is no one to save me.

Lord, I cry out to you for help:

“You are my place of safety.

You are all I need in life.”

Listen to my prayer.

I am so weak.

Save me from those who are chasing me.

They are stronger than I am.

Help me escape this trap,so that I can praise your name.

Then good people will celebrate with me,

because you took care of me.

-David, psalmist

20140306-122131.jpgjust remember, when you feel like you can’t take anymore…

you’re not alone…

others know how you feel…

and

if you’d like to whisper a prayer for help…this is a great one.

D

i’m doing a happy dance today

one of my favorite pass times is to be home alone (I’ve said this before).

today IS one of those times!

i’m so excited!!

no commitments.

no expectations.

no cooking.

no rules…ok, there are rules…but not many:

relax

chill

refresh

have fun

(Happy dance commence)

want to join me? (wait, then i wouldn’t be home alone…sorry, next time -maybe!)
D

Put your feet up…you deserve it (revisited by request)

deeclarknz.com“a little hard work never hurt anybody!” those words echo in my ears and have now for as long as i remember. the voices i hear in my heart as those words do their echoing belong to my papa (granddad) and my daddy.

by the time i was old enough to take notice, my granddad was retired. he spent a lot of time in his favourite chair, as many men do, or at least in those days did. we played a game with him. we waited for him to get out of his chair so that we could jump into it. i’m not sure why exactly but as i think back today i remember feeling important and safe as i sat there. i loved to grab the few seconds to sit in the warmth his body left behind. i felt love there, too. when he returned to find his seat occupied there was always a bit of a kerfuffle, followed by giggles and exits.

my granddad served in the military and worked the pipelines across the USA. both took their toll. the result was that he raised three men with a strong work ethic and an appreciation for a job well done.

i know that you have probably said this as well, BUT, my daddy is one of the hardest working men i have ever known in my life. he is now in retirement and i see an inner fight that anguishes at the thought of sitting down in his favourite chair to rest. while his body protests, he still strives to do what he he can (and more if it won’t lay him out for too long). anyone who knows him knows i am right. we jest with him over it, (and we are tired from watching it!) but we also admire him for it.

i have had some strong inspiration in my life from both of these examples…even when i didn’t want it or appreciate it at the time (due to the foolishness of youth).

equally as hard working is my mother. over the years, i have wondered where she got her energy and stamina. she was awake earlier than anyone else in the family so that she could get a few household chores out of the way before she headed off to her full time job. after work, she prepared meals and squeezed in a few more household chores on her way out the door to deliver one or all three of my siblings to piano lessons, work or other various activities. she spent countless hours sitting or sleeping in the car waiting to pick one of us up from some of those activities as well. she was always in constant motion…and i dare say, much like my dad, even today when her body begins to protest…she’s keeps on going…and with an impeccable attitude. in fact, i don’t ever recall either of my parents complaining about the tasks that were at hand. “you just do what you have to”, they would say with a smile.

my appreciation for hard work was a gift that my parents and grandparents gave to me.

so, yesterday, i am standing in the wind and the rain. i have the most hideous get-up on to shield me from the elements. i was sorting through a gold mine (from the pitch my husband gave me to get me there), covered in gold dust (yeah, right), i was wet, cold and exhausted. yet, i had a real sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. later, my husband said to me, “you did good out there. i’m proud of you. i don’t know too many women who would have agreed to do that job.”  i thought, “not a lot of women were raised as a Hartness”.

let’s face it…life can be hard work.

at the end of each task, we want to know that what we have invested has value. after all, the cost is not small.

there have been times in my life when the requirement for hard work resulted in a deep sense of accomplishment.

i remember attempting to learn new things as a child like how to ride a po-go stick. i am not very co-ordinated at the best of times, even less athletic. i crashed and burned so many times. I bled a lot, too. finally, i did it…i learned how to stay on the thing and gleefully jump up and down. it felt great.

motherhood was one of the most terrifying and difficult jobs i ever attempted. i remember days of severe exhaustion but the 2am (wait…it felt like continuous 24 hour) feedings, diaper changes, comforting, entertaining and household chores demanded every ounce of strength i could muster. I dreamed of just a few quiet moments when i didn’t hear, “moo-oom-maaa!” Then more sleepless nights, potty training, a biting toddler…not to mention attempting to encourage good manners, right behaviours and a strong value system. i felt like a miserable failure many days throughout the years. i would cry, dry the tears, pray for strength and hit the floor running day after day. however, i have many days now that i am able to stand back and look at the two beautiful people, i call my children, with a proud heart. they are amazing.

when i turned 40, i decided that i needed a challenge. my friend suggested that we do a triathlon. i laughed in terror (even before i realised how many gruelling hours would be required to prepare). when i crossed the finish line, i wanted to collapse to the ground…wait, maybe i did collapse to the ground…and i just kept saying, “i did it. i did it.” i felt exhilarated.

there are many noteworthy pursuits that warrant every last bit of strength within us to accomplish: parenting; parenting children with disabilities; adoption or blending families; battling serious health issues; recovering from abuse, ill treatment or loss; surviving economic hardships or debt; learning to forgive the unforgivable; loving the unloveable; building strong relationships; building or rebuilding a business and countless other maddening hardships.

everyday we put in the hard work…

in great and small ways…

i know that you know exactly what this quote means when it says, “the harder you work for something the greater you feel when you finally achieve it.”

you feel great because you have invested the best part of yourself…

you didn’t quit even when it was tough…

through blood, sweat and countless tears…

you held to a standard you can be proud of…

you’ve earned it…stand back…feel the satisfaction…you have achieved your goal.

be proud of a job well done! you deserve it.

D

(this post is written in response to a request from one of my readers. thank you for your inquiries, comments and feedback.

how to maintain your hope

deeclarknz.com

eat honey, it is good.

deeclarknz.com

the honeycomb is sweet in your mouth.

bees

know that wisdom is like that for your whole being.

deeclarknz.com

if you find it,

bees

there is a future for you,

bees

and your hope will not be cut off.

-Proverbs 24:13, 14

3 things to help children learn to process emotions

deeclarknz.com

 

recently, my in-laws came into town and we planned a trip to the park with my nephew and my two grand children. we started out with three happy-go-lucky children who were excited to participate in a fun filled afternoon. things were going quite well, if i do say so myself…

deeclarknz.comthere was hanging…and smiles…

deeclarknz.com there was climbing…and smiles…

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and squirting water…and smiles…

                                 even the adults were finding there inner child…deeclarknz.comdeeclarknz.comdeeclarknz.com

and before we blinked twice…there were tears in abundance…tears brought on by the adults in the group who played on an adult playing field and left the children heart broken.

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pawpaw played too rough for the grand children resulting in injuries (minor to the body but huge to their hearts)…and daddy played in a way that frightened my nephew…

there we were with three children with broken hearts.

what i witnessed was that at their tender ages, they did not know what to do with what they were feeling…

no matter how many apologies were given…the tears continued to pour.

i hugged each child and explained that although what the adults did was pretty yukky to a little kid, the offending adult did not mean to cause them pain or to hurt them…even though that is what happened.

i asked the adult to come over and say to the child, “i’m sorry that i hurt you.”

i then asked the child to offer forgiveness and say, “pawpaw, i forgive you.” or “daddy, i forgive you.”

my goodness…the tears poured out even more. my grandson said to me, “i can’t forgive him” and he walked to another part of the playground by himself.

i watched as he sat alone for a few minutes and, when he could he rejoined the group, as someone suggested we go to another part of the park and visit the animals.

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as we walked, i noticed my grandson and his pawpaw walking together ahead of the group. pawpaw later explained to me that, my grandson had run ahead of the rest of us to catch up with him and as they walked, Jake said, “pawpaw, i forgive you for hurting me.” my husband then explained that he realised his actions were silly but that he had not wanted to hurt Jake…he just wanted to play and it turned out badly. he also promised not to play rough like that again.

as my husband told me about their conversation, i smiled because i realised that my grandson had taken himself out of the situation to be alone for a few minutes and when he had processed his feelings and was able, he extended forgiveness and moved on.

that was a proud moment for me…i saw maturity developing in my six year old grand child.

it can be frustrating working with children because they have not reached a place of understanding concerning their emotions or how to work through what they are feeling.

we teach children to walk, dress themselves, colour inside of the lines, and these skills help them make advances in life.

i think it is as important to help our young children begin to understand what and why they are feeling what they are feeling and give them tools for coping and managing their emotions.

they may not get the whole concept, but children are bright (my grand children can operate technology better than i can) and they are capable of building life skills that will benefit them on their life journey when they are dealing with emotions in friendships, family, work and other social arenas.

here are a few things that are important for children to learn concerning emotions:

1.  how to identify what they are feeling. am i angry or frustrated? do you realise that a child’s reaction to anger is the same or nearly the same as when they are frustrated? learning to recognise the difference and communicate it, will actually help the adults in their lives help them come to grips with how to handle the emotion effectively. children need permission to express emotions in a healthy way.

2. what to do with that emotion? suggesting the child take some time on their own to allow angry or frustrated emotions to settle is a valuable solution. however, it is more than a “go to your room until you calm down” response on the adult’s part. i have found with both of my grandchildren that even when an angry emotion is raw, when i remain calm and ask them if they are feeling angry, the emotion often diffuses quite a bit at that point. as we adults know, when someone shows understanding concerning what we are feeling, some of the pain is removed. adults should be good role models. show children how they can express their emotions. use show and tell, art and writing as outlets for emotional expression.

3. discuss and practice appropriate behaviour. children do not learn and perfect skills on the first attempt. we stand them up, we encourage them to take a step and they fall down. we then try again. it is the same with training any skill and it can be applied to teaching and training them how to maintain healthy emotional well-being. give children phrases and options that they can use when they are attempting to express themselves. help them practice the skills so that processing their feelings becomes as natural as brushing their teeth will one day.

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by the way, we ended our park adventure with many more smiles than tears…and had a lovely afternoon.

i would love to hear how you help you children process their emotions. please stop by the comments section before you go and share your experiences with me.

here’s to smiling children and enjoyable afternoons,

D

 

love is for everyone

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i hope you have a fantastic Valentine’s Day!

i also hope that you are not wasting one minute on feeling lonely, depressed or down if you do not have a special Valentine because…

it’s about love…

and love is available more than one day a year…

all around you are people who love you and celebrate the fact that you are dear to their heart!

Please remember, you are loved!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

running with time

deeclarknz.com

 

 

is your year going by as quickly as mine?

it’s already the middle of February and i am amazed at how quickly time seems to be passing.

i’m checking several things off of my goal list for this year but there is much to do in the near future.

each step of the way, i’m picking up a little more momentum….it feels like i’m running through most of my days.

how about you? is your schedule requiring that you pick up your pace a little? or a lot?

February is a short month and i think if i blink twice it’s going to be March…which means that a quarter of this year is nearly over.

my life seems to move quicker the older i get.

why is that?

“yes, why is that?”, i asked myself.

do you do that? get a question that niggles at your brain?

i do all the time and i can’t seem to let it go until i get an answer.

so, i turned to my good ole faithful…google.

as it turns out, I am not the only person in the world who has asked this question.

what i was able to narrow it down to is anticipation.

we all seem to anticipate things that are important to us; vacations, family or friends who are planning to visit, the beginning of summer, a new project, the arrival of a new child or goals.

each new event seems to be so far in the distance. before we blink, it arrives and is over.

looking back, we ask ourselves, “has it really been that long ago since that event occurred?”

the adding and passing of milestones in our lives, seems to cause time to appear to be accelerating.

is there a cure for this phenomena?

not really. it’s one of those things in life that must be accept and lived with.

managing it, however, is easier if we live each day to the fullest, prioritise our goals and take life one step at a time.

so, my year appears to be running away on me…

however, i can see that many things are on track and i will pick up the pace a little so that i don’t get left behind.

happy running!

D

 

 

 

how to overcome the fear of failure

deeclarknz.comwe all feel fear when we try something new or difficult.

face your fears and try!

all you can do is give it your best effort.

trust your gifts and talents…

You have them for a very good reason.

D