do
not
suffer
needlessly.
your
heart
has
options.
refuse
to
linger
in
the
pain,
suffering
is
optional.
Category Archives: emotional healing
test your anger coping skills
you might be wondering why i am committing so much time on the subject of anger this past week.
the reason is that i place a high value on peace in my life. i believe that i need to guard my heart against anything that might diminish or steal the level of peace that i require for a healthy existence.
there are many things that can affect peace; anger has a big impact along with guilt, stress, and conflict, to name a few.
therefore, i like to do a self assessment from time to time. i liken it to having a yearly physical or mammogram in order to be assured that things are functioning like they should be. as with my physical well-being, preventive maintenance is the best medicine.
i have a life plan and a value system that i use to guide my decisions and monitor my behaviours (i’ll list a few below):
1. there are socially acceptable behaviours and codes of conduct.
2. there are good manners
3. the 10 commandments
4. the wisdom given in the Proverbs
5. the law of love as outlined in Ephesians
6. and others
i use these as a road map along my journey. i deem them a valuable compass for guiding me along the pathway.
in addition, i have a bit of a mental checklist. when dealing with anger, i have learned to ask myself ,”will this matter to me or will i even remember this in five years?” it slows me down enough to prevent rash reactions. if the answer is “yes”, i can pursue the issue. if the answer is “no”, i can applied some anger management skills.
since i have been on the subject, i decided that i would give myself a little check up. i’ve been pretty happy with the way i have been managing anger but i thought it wouldn’t hurt to do a simple assessment.
i went to the Psychology Today website and took their anger management test. it consists of 10 questions and only took 5 minutes to complete. it is only a simple gauge to assess if there might be an need for adjustments in managing this emotion.
my overall score was low indicating that i am rather skilled at coping with potentially angering situations. however, i was cautioned to make sure that i am coping well rather than suppressing anger.
i was pleased with this result and it was in line with my own internal assessment of how things are going. after all, if there is a problem, i usually know there is a problem without having it pointed out to me; unlike my physical condition -where there might be a symptom-free problem present.
if there is an anger problem- i know it…and so do those around me. i tend to become edgy, agitated or annoyed at minor situations. there was a time when i wasn’t managing this emotion very well that i often felt like a ticking time bomb. the indicators are present and signal that a problem exists. the reasons vary; again, stress, unresolved issues, frustration or misunderstanding can be triggers.
i encourage you to take the test. it is easy to do. keeping a pulse on your emotion well-being is very beneficial. if adjustments are required, it is much easier to handle when it’s a small issue rather than letting it become a bigger problem.
maintaining peace will make your journey much easier to travel.
my wish is that your heart be filled with peace,
D
a glimpse inside a heart of pain
as you read my blogs, you will often hear me make the statement “look inside your heart” when attempting to empathize with what someone else is feeling or going through. i believe there are similarities deep within all of our hearts…common threads of emotions whether happiness and joy, or pain and fear.
today, i’m sharing an example of how this works.
sitting in a cave alone, tired and afraid, the Psalmist David writes these words. just see, if by looking inside your heart, whether or not you can understand his difficulty and relate to the essence of his pain.
he was on the verge of loosing his courage and will to fight.
this is his, “i need some help here. i’m about to loose it!” (as we would say today).
I cry out to the Lord.
I beg the Lord to help me.
I tell him my problems;
I tell him about my troubles.
I am ready to give up.
But you, Lord, know the path I am on,
and you know that my enemies have set a trap for me.
I look around,and I don’t see anyone I know.
I have no place to run.
There is no one to save me.
Lord, I cry out to you for help:
“You are my place of safety.
You are all I need in life.”
Listen to my prayer.
I am so weak.
Save me from those who are chasing me.
They are stronger than I am.
Help me escape this trap,so that I can praise your name.
Then good people will celebrate with me,
because you took care of me.
-David, psalmist
just remember, when you feel like you can’t take anymore…
you’re not alone…
others know how you feel…
and
if you’d like to whisper a prayer for help…this is a great one.
D
Grief
“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”
― Dean Koontz, Odd Hours
a king’s cure for depression
The story is told of the biblical King Solomon. He once called his wise men together and presented them with a challenge. “Find me a cure for depression.” They meditated for a long time, then gave him the following advice. “Your Majesty, make yourself a ring and have engraved thereon the words: This too shall pass.” He had the ring made and wore it constantly. Every time he felt sad or depressed, he looked at the inscription, which tended to lift his spirits.
“This too shall pass.” Indeed, it shall. Whether positive or negative, nothing in life lasts forever, even if it sometimes feels as if it will. We are certain of this because we know even life itself doesn’t last forever. -Phillip Yaffe
this happens to be one of my favorite sayings and i find it interesting that King Solomon used it as a cure for depression…
how to overcome the fear of failure
we all feel fear when we try something new or difficult.
face your fears and try!
all you can do is give it your best effort.
trust your gifts and talents…
You have them for a very good reason.
D
there is new mercy available every morning
“His love never ceases; his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning…”
i was standing in line at the grocery store the other day daydreaming and in my own little world. the cashier and her customer were talking away. i noticed the cashier’s countenance drop. as i watched, i witnessed great sadness come over her.
i began to listen.
what i gathered was that her son had been involved in some trouble and the customer did not approve.
when i stepped to the counter, the cashier apologized and commented that having a mother’s heart, she found that conversation difficult. she explained that her son had done something really bad, was accepting his punishment and the customer that just left felt like her son didn’t look sorry enough.
she was crushed.
i encouraged her and left the store.
i couldn’t get this woman and her child out if my mind.
i don’t know about you, but i have needed mercy many times in my life; from God, my family, friends, and strangers. i desperately wish i didn’t make mistakes, make wrong choices, say the wrong things, or any of the countless things in my life that require that someone grant me mercy, but … I do.
i have needed to know that mercy would be offered to me. at times, i have been desperate for it.
mercy is so vital.
i needed milk last night, so i popped down to the shop.
as i turned the corner of the isle i was greeted by this woman. so, i stopped and asked how her son was. despair was still in her eyes.
i shared with her how mercy is renewed every morning and although consequences follow bad choices, it’s not necessary to walk around “looking sorry” (which is shame).
i watched the despair leave her eyes and her heart. she thanked me and she walked away visibly encouraged.
if you have ever experienced mercy, you can relate to what she was feeling.
it’s too easy to forget what a miracle mercy is. however, someone needs for you to remember and extend mercy their way.
or maybe you are in the midst of a situation right now and you need someone to extend mercy your way.
don’t despair.
accept responsibility.
face the consequences.
apply wisdom.
but don’t tie yourself to shame.
mercy is new every morning.
D
How Containment Prevents Growth
are you self-contained?
containment is a way to keep something bad from spreading.
if a child gets chicken pox, he/she won’t be allowed back in school until they’re not contagious anymore. the school’s aiming for containment of the disease.
containment is also a foreign policy strategy. if one country is stirring up trouble, other countries can join together and enact a policy of containment, to isolate the rogue country and keep it from causing chaos outside its borders.
in a nuclear reactor, the containment system is the back-up system that’s supposed to keep dangerous radiation from leaking out when there’s an accident.
the human heart will self-contain when it has experienced great pain, in an attempt to prevent the pain from spreading.
while some forms of containment are beneficial, containment in the heart is not.
heart containment will stunt your growth.
we hope for protection.
we end up busy building a comfort zone- afraid of taking risks, stepping out, trying new things or expanding our horizons.
once we are contained within the walls of this comfort zone…
we are protected from our future…
we are protected from our present…
and we are protecting our past!
-John Steele
while we are preserving our past…protecting it and it’s impact on our heart, we protect or prevent the possibilities available in our present and future.
the question is often posed, “why do bad things happen to good people?”
John Steele posed one of the best possibilities i have ever heard. his answer was this:
so that your experience will speak louder than someone else’s pain.
someone going through a similar situation will gain hope by seeing you conquer your pain, overcome your difficulty, thrive, live, grow and expand into your future better than ever.
what has you confined…
contained…
Imprisoned!
let it go!
spread out!
expand!
grow!
think big!
think bigger than your pain!
there is life to live!
and i promise, you don’t want to miss a minute of it.
do you know someone that this post would encourage? someone sitting in their comfort zone too fearful of the possibility of a wounded heart? please pass the post along…hopefully they will find inspiration to think bigger than their pain!
i’m so happy that i could share my heart with you today! thank you for stopping by!
see you soon,
D
the danger of living in future hope
i feel asleep early last night and was awaken early, 1:30 am to be exact, by my husband who was unable to sleep. the weather is wild and blowing outside and i am wide awake. i decided to use the time to look at some women who over came unbelievable circumstances and brought change for others in amazing ways.
i was reminded as i read of an amazing woman, Harriet Tubman.
it becomes so easy in my day to day life to want to feel overwhelmed by circumstances. i am sure you can find it the same. i like to arrest those feelings by bringing a balance to my thoughts by reminding myself of women that i have known and women i have never met but can read about who displayed great courage in the face of trying times.
life seems pretty smooth for me at the moment, which is a welcome retrieve. i think it is in the really good times, when i feel strong, that it is good to add wisdom, look at how i address, process and work through difficulties. by doing this, i prepare, guard and fortify my heart for when life is trying.
as i read about Harriet this morning, my heart resounds with gratitude for the many blessings i have experienced in my life. i am reminded that there are women who have faced what i deem such injustice and yet emerged with triumphant spirits and hearts that reached out from their pain to make someone else’s life better.
this amazing women survived incorrigible abuses from a very young age. at the age of 5 years old she was hired out to care for a slave owners young child. if the child woke and cried, she was beaten. what in the world could a 5 year old child do to prevent what most infants do so naturally…cry.
early in her life she suffered a head injury inflicted my an overseer attempting to restrain a slave who had left the field without permission. he threw a heavy metal object intending to hit the slave, missed and she was struck in the head. the injury caused her disabling seizures, narcoleptic attacks, headaches, and powerful visionary experiences throughout her life. rather than feel sorry for herself, she attributed the visions as powerful revelations from God and allowed them to inspire her.
that in itself is amazing to me. it’s far too easy to accept a victim mentality and feel regret, disillusionment and accept incidents like this as a reason to become inactive, bitter and sullen.
not Harriet, she allowed it to make her more determined to put an end to this way of life for herself and if not all, as many as possible, of those who were suffering similar experiences.
she did escape. she freed herself from the torture. once she was free, she returned and helped 300 more slaves to escape to Canada where slavery had been abolished.
sitting in the year 2013, in my warm home safe from the blowing gale outside, i could think, “oh, that’s so nice. good on her! well done Harriet.” it wasn’t that simple. her escape in itself was miraculous. many slaves were caught before getting away and severely beaten-sometimes even to death. not only did she escape, but she went back for one. when that one was freed, she went back for another…and another…and another.
i wonder if as a woman living in 2013, if i might have escaped and headed for a warm fire, a hot bath and looked after myself? it causes me to wonder what deep of strength i possess and if sufficient strength does not exists…i must grow…because i desire to live beyond myself in service to others.
i remember asking God this week why and how people are born into the life they live. basically, my reasoning was this: i love helping people. i am empathetic to the suffering of others and want to do more than i feel i am currently empowered to do. why was i not born with more resources that would enable me to help more?
this morning, the question was posed back to me…maybe God is reversing the question on me: why was i not born into worse circumstances? ones that would create such a fire with in my heart to act despite my resources?
how many times do we hear the Bible, quotes or motivational speakers tell us that the way we think limits what we do?
by reading about this little slave girl this morning, i learned something about my thought patterns. this story helped expose something in my heart. don’t get me wrong. i do what i can, i reach out, i help, i encourage…but i was finding a discontentment setting in and a longing for the “one day”, the “if i won lotto, I could…” or “when business is better…” mentality.
the reality is that i have at this moment what i need to do my purpose. i must be faithful with what is within my power now. live aware. see with eyes that are open. listen carefully for the places that i am needed and can offer benefit.
i can’t do everything but i can do something.
the danger of living in the future hope of being able to do more than now is that we miss the opportunity that exists in today. big or small…the part i play is important to the one life or the many that i am able to effect.
we are not called to hopes of grandeur. we are to live and help the one. if possible, go back for the second. then back for the third…and when what we are able to do is completed, whether for one, 300 or many more, we move on to the next task.
it’s interesting to me, the things that we can find within our own heart. it happens to us all. we get caught up in the doing and sometimes forget…the why.
thank Goodness that we can be reminded by meditating on what is good and right and wise to draw our heart and thoughts back to their intended purposes.
think of some moments in your own life when you have risen to some extraordinary occasion, some emergency that called for you to behave in a way you would normally find difficult. meditate on this experience for a few moments. what qualities did you find that you did not realize you had?
those qualities are part of the resources you currently possess to do good in your life, to help others lives become better and to produce positive change in the world.
well, i might try to head back to sleep for a little while. i hope you have a great Monday or Tuesday- depending on where you live in the world.
thank you for sharing this part of your day with my heart,
D
how a bowl of lemons showed me what was in my heart
when the world gave me lemons, i put them in a bowl and dared anyone to touch them!
together with the very good in life exists some misuses of the good. before i continue my posts on love, i want to talk about abuse. i want you to remember that there are times when in the name of love, abuses occur. everyone needs to be safe and secure. if you find that you are in a situation that is unsafe…please seek help. i am not advising anyone to leave or stay in any situation…that is not my place to advise. this is a very difficult topic that i feel is important to touch on when we are discussing love.
i have found myself in abusive situations in my life. the details are not important. what is important is that in those times i felt helpless, worthless and hopeless. however, there is help waiting and if and when it is needed, you should reach for it. When i was suffering with cancer…i went to a doctor and a hospital for help. too often, when in abusive situations, the fear is so great that we do not reach for the necessary help. if someone is threatening your safety, believe them and get help.
as a result of the differing abuses i had lived through, i went into survival mode. it is kind of like the scenes in a movie of someone who is drowning. the life guard, friend or a passer by jumps in to help the drowning soul and in the struggle for survival, the drowning person puts the life saver in danger. when we have been abused, survival mode can cause us to mirror some of the behaviours or over compensate protection we feel we did not receive.
although i was “out of the water” so to speak, i was still drowning in the pain and i was dragging my loved ones down with me. i was distant, harsh and controlling because i had determined that i would never let anyone hurt me ever again. therefore, i had very strict, harsh rules (not healthy boundaries) and walls that i felt would keep me safe. they didn’t though. they only caused me to cause pain to others around me. as i look back, those actions were an abuse of my family’s love and trust toward me. it made life difficult and it was as unfair as what i had endured in the past. the problem was, i didn’t see it that way at the time.
let me get back to the lemon bowl.
i love lemons. One of my favourite candies is lemon drops. i use lemons to make lemonade, lemon meringue pie, and on fish. i clean stainless steel with them, lighten my hair and teeth with them and use them as air fresheners. i even love to eat them by themselves with a little salt sprinkled on them. i have consumed lots of lemons in my lifetime and would love to have a lemon tree in my yard. i don’t know how this fascination came to be but as long as i can remember i have been delighted by these little yellow balls of sunshine. 😉
one of the things i found difficult in the abusive relationships i found myself in was the lack of control i felt over my own life. my little bowl of lemons became one thing that i could control and have complete say over. after all these years, i chuckle because it sounds so strange to me. i would buy lemons at the grocery store. bring them home with the thought that i would use them to make all of the things i enjoyed. they were my lemons and mine alone. i would make it very clear that they were not to be touched without permission. i counted them, watched over them and i knew immediately if any were missing. can you imagine living in the house with me and my lemons. no… fun did not describe it. i was so busy guarding them, making sure no one touched them -that i never used them. there would be a day that I had to throw them in the garbage because they had rotted. i would discard them and begin the process all over again.
i don’t even remember what caused me to see the reality of what was happening. i just remember thinking about my beautiful little bowl of yellow lemons and it dawned on me…i have never made anything..not one thing…with all of the lemons that i had so carefully guarded.
and I asked myself the question, “why do i do that?”
i began to pay attention to my motives and actions where this bowl of lemons was concerned. that bowl of lemons was highlighting that there was residual pain in my heart that was affecting my behaviour. i was possessive, controlling, harsh, paranoid, obsessive and sometimes down right mean. do you know the interesting thing? no one but me cared anything about the lemons. no one wanted them and most of the time no one even noticed them exceptme!
for those of my readers who have been or are in abusive situations, i want you to bare in mind
as you read my posts this week about love, that getting help with the pain in your heart is paramount. abuse changes your perception and responses to love. my motivation in anything i share is a desire to be helpful and not cause more stress and pain. I guess, this is my disclaimer to let you know that i understand the pain, the difficulties and despair that the heart feels when it is searching for more than what it has known as painful love.
i want you to know that there is hope, healing and wholeness available. your dream and search for a fulfilled life is not futile.
my hope is to continue to encourage you on your journey,
thank you once again for taking the time to stop by,
D
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