My friend, Daniel, sent me this text yesterday following a teaching session I did on trust.
Have you ever told someone, “I can’t trust you?”
Have you ever said, “I’ll never trust anyone again?”
Contrary to what many of us think, trust is not as difficult as we think, if we have the right tools.
I think an important tool in any relationship is to understand who to trust with what when dealing with issues of trust.
Everyone one can be trusted with something. But no one can be trusted with everything.
Braving connection by sharing what is important to us requires that we not give a friend more than they are able to handle safely.
Trust is like a heavy weight. I would have a difficult time lifting a 40 pound dumb bell (I should probably stick to 2-10 pound weights). Now, my body building brother might lift that weight effortlessly.
I am not built to lift that much weight at the moment but I might be able to work up to it. If not, it’s unsafe for me to expect myself to handle that amount of weight. It’s too heavy for me.
In the same way, not everyone is equipped to handle the weight of what I might want to trust them with.
Does that mean he/she is untrustworthy? I don’t think so.
For instance, even though someone may not be able to share that their marriage is failing with one of their friends does not mean that that friend can not be trusted at all.
There will be something that can be entrusted to them. It might be as simple as details of the day or joys experienced.
Connecting in this way -with non-judgement about what a friend can bear- keeps both of the friends safe in the relationship. Both are less likely to betray or feel betrayed and walk away from a relationship that is important to them.
Sharing the weightier issues must be done with someone capable of sustaining the weight like a Counselor, confident, BFF or husband.
Each relationship has a trust weight bearing limit.
Do you know yours?