a couple of cancerous emotions

Posted on September 14, 2013 by Dee Clark

hello, again

i am in the middle of a two part move. moving once is a huge job but moving twice in one month is unbelievable. i am not complaining though. i am actually right in my element doing the nesting thing. my biggest challenge is not to go over board in the temporary dwelling. i could have a great time updating and decorating this old 1920 style home but i will do my best to refrain.

instead, i have been concentrating my time on deep cleaning my belongings that have been in storage for 3 years. it’s a little like Christmas…opening the boxes and realizing that i have several items that i have lived without for so long. it is also a great time for de-cluttering. many of the articles i have read about things that you hold onto and box away state that if you have lived without it for say 6 months…it probably can go without you ever missing it. i quite enjoy the de-cluttering process. there is nothing like a good purge, so to speak. it refreshes me to come to terms with the items i have accumulated that were totally unnecessary and focus on the worthwhile items that will actually make life better and easier.

this brings me back to my topic. this may require a little de-cluttering of the heart.

i was writing about love before my big move became a part of my busy schedule. i shared that love never gives up (is patient) and is more concerned with others than it is for self (is kind).

today, lets look at the fact that love is never envious or jealous. no one will go through their life having never felt envious or jealous. these are common feelings that we all experience from time to time. however, if these feelings are not handled correctly and in a positive way, they can cause us to loose our peaceful state of mind or, in exaggerated cases, incapacitate our pursuit of happiness.

i learned as a young woman that i did not like the “green-eyed monster” that i could become if i allowed jealousy to take hold of my heart. envy and jealousy are not very pretty attributes.

jealousy has a competitive edge to it. this is where those ever-so-famous “Joneses” got themselves into trouble. if you have ever attempted to keep up with the joneses you can understand what i mean by jealousy incapacitating your happiness. this is an excellent way to find oneself deep in debt. the jealousy drives us to compete to be the better person than someone we are jealous of or over.

real love is not driven by competition. you and i must first accept ourselves, our situation and our life as it is with confidence. love must first be applied to “me” before i can effectively love outwardly. everyone has some strengths and some weaknesses. my weaknesses can cause me to compare myself and what i have or don’t have with someone else. this leads to discontentment and then jealousy. therefore, contentment is a key element when combating jealousy.

our society does not make contentment an easy pursuit. realizing that there will always be someone, somewhere with better looks, skills and talents than i have is the first thing i must come to grips with. there are many things that i would love to be able to do like a pro but can not. i may attempt to improve my skill but understand that if it does not come as naturally to me as my husband, friend or family member this does not represent me as a whole person. i would love to be able to paint beautiful paintings. however, my paintings usually look like my 5 year old grand daughter’s art work. i have decided that if i really want to paint…i should go for an abstract and paint purely for the relaxation and entertainment value for myself. on the other hand, my strengths lie in facilitating, organizing, decorating and many other talents that i truly enjoy and see benefits from.

as a child, i was the kid hanging from the monkey bars wishing that it would stretch my body so that i could be taller. sad fact…it never worked. i then spent many years wearing high heels in the most inappropriate times because heels did make me taller but were not functional in every situation. i actually went hiking once in heels…can anyone say ridiculous. i can. i did. i had to come to grips with my body height, shape and looks. accepting myself for who i am, how i was made and what i had to offer was key to obtaining the ability to relax and enjoy the journey that i was on.

jealousy also redirects our focus. there occurs an unhealthy attachment to what another person has, is or is doing. when we are focused so intently on someone else’s life we are not able to put the necessary energy into building our own hopes, dreams and goals.

envy takes jealousy to a deeper level. envy drives us to want what others have. an inordinate desire for what others have develops like covetousness. once this desire takes root, compromising our life value system becomes easy to do. this is how affairs occur. often a person will decide that having the object of the inordinate desire is vital and taking what is does not belong to them is rationalized.

here are a few things i have learned about de-cluttering jealousy from my heart:

treat the underlying fallacy concerning “me” and “you.” realize and view everyone as equal. everyone has the same wish to be happy and to succeed, and not to be unhappy or to fail. everyone has the same right to be happy and to succeed and the same right not to be unhappy or to fail.
the grass is not always greener over “there” – green grass requires work and mowing. too often, we see someone else’s life and assume it is easier than our own life. this is also a fallacy. no matter the journey, there will be difficult paths to walk. difficulties truly are the places where we grow and develop our skills and become more of who we should be. just because someone else seems to have a better path…be careful…you and i may not enjoy walking the journey they have made to get to where they are.
anything that i must cling to in order to retain it might not be meant for me. i see so many single women who attempt to cling to an abusive boyfriend because they do not want to loose the relationship and be alone. therefore, jealousy and envy drive them to unflattering behaviours. if i could open my heart and give one gift to the single women in the world, it would be the ability to see that they are worthy of respect. please do not allow someone to treat you like you are worthless. you are valuable and if a person can not see and value that in a dating relationship…let go…don’t tie yourself to someone who disrespects you. note: marriage does not fix this poor attitude in a mate!
in a committed relationship like marriage, when there is cause for jealousy presenting itself…look for a deeper problem and work to fix that. jealousy is usually a warning sign. don’t ignore it. first, be honest with yourself and make any necessary changes that you need to make. then, look for deeper issues in the relationship that need work. if you are not successful, seek help. i always say, we go to the doctor to repair our broken body, we should be willing to do the same when we need help with a broken heart, spirit or soul. the options range from prayer and wisdom, a trusted counsellor, or when necessary a professional.

peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer. -proverbs

jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart…-unknown

love is not jealous…it should not burn holes in your heart nor mine….it should not eat at us like cancer. love should contain a healthy respect for who you and i are as well as the one we love. cultivating seeds of love, like patience and kindness (as a start), will help us to recognize the weeds that appear, such as envy and jealousy. we can address them quickly before they take root and produce painful results in the heart.

thank you for joining me today. it’s wonderful to have you stop by. my heart is to share some helpful wisdom to make your journey a little easier. i hope you have enjoyed the blog.

if you found this blog helpful, please share it with your circle of influence-friends, family, work mates. open a dialogue focused on building stronger relationships with real love as the foundation. make the part of the world you live in a better place.

have a great weekend,

kindness matters

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Dee Clark

how to practice love in the form of patience

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

impatience is an emotion. patience is a skill. like all skills, patience is a life skill that can be practiced until application can be made more easily than when you begin.

the relationships that we invest in are truly rewarding. our hearts hope that they will make us happy beyond belief. talk to a young couple before their wedding day or before the birth of a new baby. the heart is full of expectations for the future. it is when reality meets those expectations causing disappointment that frustration surfaces.

when my daughter was five years old, my husband and i decided that we wanted another baby. it would be three more years before the birth of my son. there was the first expectation that met frustration. we had a timing in our mind and yet there was a long period of time to wait until we received confirmation that we would have our second child join the family. if you have ever planned to start or continue your family only to have reality present an alternative timing, it is heart wrenching, frustrating and painful. once he was born, we were elated. then came the sleepless nights. he did not sleep as well as my daughter had. it was a shock to the system after eight years of normal sleep routines. i would have difficult days of weariness that were trying. we made it through the sleepless nights, finally. then as a toddler, he began too bite other children. do you know how embarrassing and stressful it is when your child harms a friend’s child? this was not going as it had the first time around or the way i had expected. this lovely, beautiful little boy was the delight of my heart but he was trying my patience…in many more ways than i ever desired to endure.

what was i to do? i was not enjoying those moments i was living. i wanted to fast forward to easier, more enjoyable days, the future seemed so distant and far away…when life as i had hoped it would be would appear.

i was given advice to “be patient”, encouragement that he would get through the stage(s) and things would settle down. we often think another person should find patience easier to conjure up than we do in our own difficult situations. we mean well… we do…but we find taking our own advice impossible when faced with our own circumstances that evoke frustration, anger or pain; a stubborn or distant spouse, a self-destructing teenager, a special needs parent, a bullying boss, or a rude stranger.

i was irrevocably and inescapably stuck in the moment—my feet were tied to it. had i writhed and hollered as much as i wanted, i was still not going anywhere. i was there. immobile.

the available antidote was patience. it speaks of self-control, restraint, delayed gratification, bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance; tolerance and persevering. it was not my idea of a party that i wanted to attend. yet, it was necessary.

the revelation for me was that patience is a skill, not an inherited trait i happened not to inherit. it leads to relaxation, not self-harnessing. it gives you the freedom to have a pleasant time even when the baby gods are playing with you. it converts the helpless rage of impatience into a delicious sense of spaciousness.

patience creates more space between impulse and action.

impulsiveness causes you to act hastily. patience creates feelings of peace and calm, as opposed to the anger and frustration that often arises with impatience. impatience is on the anger continuum. first, you have irritation, then impatience and then anger and, at the far end, rage. patience keeps your anger turned off.

so, how do we practice this skill and develop patience? how can we apply patience, so that frustration goes away, outrage cools, and peace is yours?

1. accept that whatever is happening right now is the way it is. accept that you are here, living this moment as it is. coming to terms with reality helps you to focus your emotions.

2. apply persistence. that’s the capacity to keep on going even though you can’t yet see the end result. it’s what keeps us moving toward our goal and thus helps us make our dreams come true.

3. practice cultivating a sense of peacefulness, serenity or calmness in the face of what is. address poor, learned behaviour such as ranting, fretting or working yourself into a frenzy. stop, breath deeply, count to 10 (or 100), or separate yourself from the situation until your emotions return to a calmer state. whisper a prayer or recite calming scriptures. many find repeating the serenity prayer helpful.

4. focus on your goal of healthy relationships and perfected love.

5. focus your effort, energy and skills on problem solving. pursue wisdom in order to find a solution, this will produce a more effective result.

6. trust yourself, apply compassion when you fail at applying patience…practice makes perfect…keep going…all skill development requires time and practice, practice, practice.

today as i planned to write a post on practicing patience, wouldn’t you know, things did not go to plan. i woke not feeling well. i faced a busy work day. and my husband seemed to want me to help him do something every 5 minutes, and in the midst of all that i lost half of the post before i was able to publish it. opportunities to practice will present themselves. it never fails. i had to laugh at myself and my situation…

i told myself, “dee, love is patient…” and i made the 100th cup of coffee of the day as requested and began to reconstruct my post.

patience is the first and possibly one of the most difficult steps to producing genuine love in the heart. it is a skill. if you find impatience surfacing in your heart, do not fear…you can apply wisdom, practice this skill and develop real love…love that will not fail at building strong, fulfilling relationships.

the next we will explore the fact that love is kind.

i hope you will join me,
D

missing those you love

Posted on August 24, 2013 by Dee Clark

to all those who are not close by except in spirit…

today is one of those days that i am feeling very blessed to have those i love in my life…and it’s missing those who are not here close by.

heart to heart, i want you to know that…

you are loved….

you are missed…

you are precious to this heart of mine…

and it’s missing having you here!
D

8 things to do when your heart is looking back to the past

Posted on August 24, 2013 by Dee Clark

(photo credit: Maxine on Facebook)

sometimes, living in your present circumstances can be like a roller coaster for your heart. the heart longs for the past where the memories feel less-complicated, care-free or painless.

i understand. take it a day, hour, minute at a time.

you will get through this time and be on to the next life phase soon.

1. remember to take care of yourself
2. look for a way to enjoy, relax and rejuvenate in each day
3. take advantage of this time to learn about yourself, what you want going forward & how you refrain from cycling back to this point.
4. reach outward. a great way to get your mind off the situations is helping others (I say that lot)
5. cherish great memories but don’t mourn for them too long…live forward.
6. create fresh memories of some kind everyday…
7. count your blessings…name them one by one!!!!
8. let go when you can…the future awaits

if you need a chuckle at times like these, Maxine on Facebook check her out! she’s a hoot.

have an awesome weekend.

i have in-laws coming so i might be away for a day or two…

see you soon,
D

how to prevent rejection

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Dee Clark

encourage the timid and faint hearted, help and give your support to the weak souls, and be very patient with everybody (always keeping your temper).

see that none of you repays another with evil for evil, but always aim to show kindness and seek to do good to one another and everybody. -Paul

how i managed to fill my day with joy

Posted on August 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

i have enjoyed reading the suspended coffee stories. i imagine myself in the person’s shoes who is on the receiving end of this kindness. i think how little a cup of coffee costs but how gigantic the warm coffee itself is for someone cold and living in the elements. whoever inspired this idea…my hat is off to you!

there aren’t any homeless that I know of in the area of NZ where I live. yet, I’ve been looking for a way to share this concept in my community.

i found a way today.

i was having my hair done when a lady walked in. she requested a hair cut. she was asked to have a seat as she would be attended to next.

when the hairdresser called the lady to her station, i heard the woman quietly say, “i can’t pay today. could i bring the money to you next week. i’m having such a hard time getting from one week to the next”.

i was so excited because there right in front of me was a precious opportunity.

i motioned to the hairdresser and told her that i would cover the cost.

we didn’t tell her who had done the random act of kindness. she was such a happy lady. when she left, the hairdressers and i had so much fun discussing all the ways this type of blessing would benefit our city.

i was shocked that my own bill was much less than expected that i decided we would start a suspended haircut plan for that salon. So, they have a gift certificate to use at their discretion for someone else in need.

later today, my husband asked me, “what happened to you today? you are so happy & bright…did something happen to put you in such a good mood?”

i smiled and told him that helping that lady today filled the entire rest of my day with joy, delight and happiness…and it was physically noticeable.

do you want to have an absolutely joyful day…do something for someone that they can’t do for themselves! the feeling can not be described!

I love this idea of suspended “….” (Fill in your own blank custom designed for your community)….share a little kindness, love and compassion.

i can’t stop smiling and i like it!

😊

Sometimes You Need A Break To Figure Things Out

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Dee Clark

i don’t know about you, but i really enjoy quite, alone moments with my thoughts. a little time out, relaxing so i can think without distraction.

they are so important when life is pressing in. if you recognise the signals before you feel the crushing weight- time alone in a quiet, beautiful place can make all the difference in the world to clear the mind and recharge the soul.

do you have a place like that? what else helps you relax and regroup?

i would love for you to assist me in putting together a list of suggestions. please give me some ideas in the comment section.

i’ll then compile them and share them with my readers.

i look forward to seeing what you come up with!

ready, set, Go…

thanks for helping me out!
D

precious heart gifts

Posted on August 15, 2013 by Dee Clark

don’t allow a familiar attitude to rob you of the exquisite miracle of love…cherish the ones who trust you with their heart.
it’s not a right…it’s an amazing gift.

why faith is important to me

Posted on August 12, 2013 by Dee Clark

What is faith?

For me, it is a belief that I place my confidence in strongly enough to motivate me to put that belief into action.

I believe in marriage. I believe that I must be loyal and faithful to my husband. I believe that in my marriage I must give 100% of myself. I believe my husband will always put me first, think about me before himself and make my life happy and full. I place my full confidence in my marriage and I work at it with everything within me.

Great!

Except…1 out of those three beliefs has brought me pain in the past because it’s not actually a truth. True! I do believe in marriage (wholeheartedly). I believe that I have responsibility in my marriage to be loyal, not quit, be faithful, and give everything I have to give (I am confident of this as truth). However, I have believed that my husband would always put me first, never disappointment me and make me laugh daily so that I would be the happiest I could dream of being. Guess what? Not true. It’s a misplaced belief. It’s probably more like fantasy. Yet, that belief has motivated many of my negative actions that I am ashamed to say…have not been very admirable.

This happens to all of us. When we believe with our whole heart…we act. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Mistakenly, we believe that faith in something is good. It is when we believe truth. However, when we believe something that is not true, that is when we get into trouble. We all do it.

The problem with this is that once we put our faith into something and it doesn’t “work” (the way we imagined it), we have a tendency to give up and think that “faith” doesn’t work. We tell ourselves that we no longer believe…and we quit. That, my friend, is not faith.

Faith is a conviction and deep assurance and confidence. We all have faith. We do. The things, people and deities we believe in may vary but some are similar.

I have faith that when I hit the light switch, I am going to get electricity. I don’t even have to give it much thought anymore. I am a believer.
I believe that when I put the key into my ignition, my car will start. I jump into it and turn the key before I realize it most of the time. I trust that my car will take me from my home to wherever I am heading.
I believe that gossip creates a separation between me and the person I begin to talk about.
I believe that one day, I or people I love will move from this life to the next. It’s sad but it will happen. My granddaughter and I talked about death this weekend. She is 5 years old. It is not something she wants to believe yet. It is frightening to her heart. Nonetheless, death is a truth that cannot be changed.
I believe in gravity.
I believe in spiritual laws like sowing and reaping. My actions, words and thoughts will produce a result, every time! Period. Therefore, I believe my best chance for good results is to apply wisdom. I rely on the truths I find in the proverbs and the Bible. I also believe that I can learn from the wisdom that others might share with me…my parents have given me wisdom, my friends have shared wisdom, and I have mentors who have spoken wisdom that I can practice.
I also believe that there is a God. I haven’t always acted like I did. I haven’t always allowed my motivation to cause me to practice this belief…but I do know in the depths of my heart…that He is. Over the years, I have discovered that some of the things I believed about God are actually not true. Some of those motivations moved me to do some embarrassing actions. Some of those beliefs caused me to act like a spoiled little brat much like a child who has expectations of a parent that are unrealistic and then when he/she does not get their way they throw a tantrum.

I have had to examine, test, and try my faith (beliefs) weighing them for truth and work with what was inaccurate. Believe me there have been many. God has also tried my faith. Interesting. I have a totally new concept of what this means now. He is not trying me to see if I am faithful…He is trying what I call faith to see if it holds water….if it is true or not…if my belief works or is a figment of my imagination.

Why?

Because otherwise, I walk around with such a strong conviction that my actions and motivations are so right when all the while…I am believing something that is not actually based on truth and doesn’t work. So, my “faith” gets tried. When it doesn’t work…I want to quit. When what I should be doing is finding out where I am missing it as far as what I believe.

An example: if I put the key in my car and it doesn’t start, do I just get out of the car and say, “forget it, that thing doesn’t work. I can’t depend on it. This is just garbage. Why did I put my trust in this thing to take me to town?” No, I don’t. I actually begin to think, “What’s wrong? What have I done that might have caused my car not to start?” I then look to see if I can find an answer: did I put enough gas in it (or did I believe that I could go 5 more kms/miles)? Did I leave my lights on and run the battery down (did I believe that I didn’t have to do all the checks before exiting the car)? Did I misuse it causing a problem that I now need to fix (was I ignoring the safety rules and wreck the car)? Usually, unless the car is so old that it has completely stopped, there is something that I need to change so that I can get it going properly again. More times than not, I have practiced a wrong belief-I am notorious for believing I can get one more mile when the fuel gauge tells me it needs gas!

Faith is the same.

This is where I believe, just like the natural laws, spiritual laws are in place. They work every time. Without fail. (I know, pretty bold…but true). God would not be so meticulous about natural laws and not be meticulous about spiritual ones (the laws responsible for a healthy soul and spirit). Therefore, if I attempt to act outside of the spiritual laws IT IS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME. So, my bratty little soul will then throw a tantrum and say, “This faith stuff does not work. I didn’t get my way. I don’t believe this rubbish anymore.”

Let’s take strife for example. Here are a few bits of wisdom about strife:

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone,…(quote from Paul to Timothy)
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. (quote from Proverbs)
A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends. (quote from Proverbs)
If you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast … For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. (quote from James).

Whether you believe in spiritual laws or not; whether you believe in God or not, can you think of any times in your life that those quotes have been true?

I can.

I have believed (not consciously, but in actions), that I could get by with strife in my life. I have. I know I believed that because I have talked behind my bosses back (I was a whisperer). Come on. You have, too. I have also paid the consequences for it. I felt the pain when I was not trusted like I wanted to be by my boss(es). I have acted on jealous motivations and believe me…there was disorder and vile practices (I do not…I repeat, I do NOT like my jealous self)…I did not like the things I did because I was jealous about something. It was a misplaced belief that needed to be tried so that I could fix it. That is how faith gets tested and tired. Guess what, I no longer believe that acting out of jealousy is an acceptable behaviour for my life. I did not like what I “reaped” when I did. I have been through that test and I have a sure, secure, strong, stable belief that jealousy is not good, does not produce well and I want to stay far, far, far away from it. No one will convince me otherwise, I have had my faith in jealousy tested. The test proved to me that it did not bring the results to my life that make me happy, safe, peaceful and healthy. My faith in jealousy had to change.

The conclusion is not that faith did not work. The conclusion is what I believed did not work. If I wanted differing results…I needed to change what I believed in.

I have learned to believe that I do not have to get involved in every controversy…it leads to quarrels.

Sometimes, I offer advice. Sometimes, I join a conversation where I do not agree and I share my wisdom. I have learned; however, that, just like me, everyone on earth has the RIGHT to work their journey out to the best of their ability and gain wisdom as they go. Therefore, I can respect a person’s position, not judging them as right or wrong, and not feel like I have to be the authority in their life to make sure a change happens. Maybe, just maybe, I need to try my position in the conversation and see if it holds truth or not. I might be totally right (for my life…I don’t have to take their position as right for me) but I don’t have to cause a quarrel thus putting my relationship with that person at risk. I have found this to be wisdom. If I am quarrelling, something is wrong.

So, all that being said, I have had a very faith-trying 5 months. I would like to share my experience. Hopefully, you might find some of the things I learned inspiring. Join me by reading the next post if you are interested in hearing my “faith” story.

For today, I will leave you with the first thing I learned in these trying months:

“Not everything that I believe is truth for my life. I don’t know everything. I had a few beliefs that were not true.”

BTW, I thought I had learned this lesson…but…I learned I still have a lot to learn (you are so right, Maya Angelo).

The fun part, amongst the difficult parts I have gone through, is that I have had so much wisdom coming at me that does work and I am having a great time seeing the changes as valuable.

Let me ask you a question, do you have some things that you believe and practice that are not bringing you the kind of results you have dreamed of for your life? Here’s some Wisdom: Have an objective look (test/try them) before you reach the point of needing to have those beliefs tried for you…it’s much easier if you do the testing.

I hope you have a great week…it’s Monday for me…for those of you still living your Sunday…Monday is looking pretty good. Whew!

I hope to have you stop by again soon,