the simplicity of love

Posted on September 18, 2013 by Dee Clark

it’s simple and sweet…

be silly….
be honest….
be kind….

you’ll have the ones you love…eating out of your hands!

we make love out to be such an intense part of our lives sometimes…

yes, there is responsibility. there is!

but hey, you are responsible to brush your teeth everyday…the right way…when necessary…for your own good and health, right?

love is no different…there’s a right way…when necessary…for your own good and health…

easy, peasey!
D

love is selfless

Posted on September 16, 2013 by Dee Clark

isn’t it maddening when you don’t get your own way?

if there is one characteristic of love that we face conflict with on a constant basis…it would probably be that love is not full of pride.

pride -what a troublesome thing it is.

i suppose Mr Franklin was onto something. you know, even shy, timid, low self-esteem can bear the weight of pride deep within. i know because i grew up with an extreme case of shyness. do you know how much time i consumed thinking about “me” and how i would cope in differing situations? as well, how i would over compensated with a rotten attitude. maybe you are different, but sadly, more times than not this is the case.

i have a theory though. if we would treat those we “love” the way we treat someone we want to impress…pride would easily be put in its place.

think about it. when you go on a first date, you use your manners, use a lot of respect and watch what comes out of your mouth. if you attend an interview, you put your best “selfless” foot to the forefront (while selling your strengths humbly). if you meet with a respected leader, mentor or public figure…you are humble, kind and generous. in fact, even many strangers can attest to our ability to behave appropriately and selflessly.

Joyce Meyer gives an example of a person who is loosing it behind close doors. this person says they can’t help how they act because that is just how they are. she laughs and says she knows that isn’t true. because while this person is having a meltdown, if she were to ring the door bell, when the person came to the door and realised Joyce was standing there, they would immediately change the way they were acting and be sweet, kind and generous to her.

has that ever happened to you. you are in the midst of a tantrum (of sorts) and the doorbell or phone rings and all of a sudden you are calm, cool and collected?

i think we all might have been there and done that.

we get familiar with those who are close to us…those we love and are close to. by observing our behaviour with those we are not so familiar with, i believe we can begin to address prideful behaviours and change them.

pride causes us:

to be preoccupied with ourselves. what we want, why we want it, how we are going to get it, and who is responsible to give it to us.

to be preoccupied with our importance compared to others -whether we believe it is more or less.

to be preoccupied dominating situations and people in order to protect our pride and desires.

to be preoccupied with extracting what we need and our expectations.

i thought about the word preoccupation. preoccupation came become so second nature to us that we act sub-conscientiously and don’t understand when others feel our behaviours are inappropriate.

we all know the saying, “do unto others, what you would have them do unto you.”

we tend to quote it when someone is not being nice to us…and don’t want to know it when we are the one not “playing nicely”.

i take this thought a step further and say, “give to others what you give to yourself”. i am quite tolerant with myself. i go out of my way to take care of my needs (even when some of my needs are wants and pleasures). i give myself “my rights” and an expectation of respect. i even accept my own excuses for my failures, pick myself up and try again…without a lot of grief.

offering the same to others simplifies most relationships. remember, before i began this series of posts that i said in cases of abuse you -must understand that if your right actions are not helping to stop the abuse and you are not safe, you need to seek help.

if you look at the people around you, they are not all that different than you. they will be in search of selfless love, acceptance and belonging. sometimes the way we go about getting those things can be hurtful…especially, if our pride is driving us to extract them.

wisdom says that if you want love…give love. plant the seeds that will in time bring a harvest.

don’t be afraid to love like you have never been hurt. don’t allow a fear of not having your needs met cause you to act in pride to manipulate, dominate and attempt to extract what you want regardless of the cost to another person.

there is nothing as satisfying as selfless love coming our way…giving selfless love can be just as satisfying.

love is not full of pride. to love without pride requires intentional, purposeful action…action we can all take.

if you want to practice this…random acts of kindness are a great way to demonstrate love without pride. except…for this practice session…do it for someone you know…someone you love. maybe someone you know who has become difficult to love…see if, given sincerely, if it doesn’t begin to break down some of those walls of defence.

i’m pretty sure you will find that real love will make a real difference in the relationships you are committed to.

what the world needs is love? then let’s share the love posts…and work together to spread the word.

thank you for reading. it’s always nice to have you stop by,
D

how to practice love in the form of patience

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

impatience is an emotion. patience is a skill. like all skills, patience is a life skill that can be practiced until application can be made more easily than when you begin.

the relationships that we invest in are truly rewarding. our hearts hope that they will make us happy beyond belief. talk to a young couple before their wedding day or before the birth of a new baby. the heart is full of expectations for the future. it is when reality meets those expectations causing disappointment that frustration surfaces.

when my daughter was five years old, my husband and i decided that we wanted another baby. it would be three more years before the birth of my son. there was the first expectation that met frustration. we had a timing in our mind and yet there was a long period of time to wait until we received confirmation that we would have our second child join the family. if you have ever planned to start or continue your family only to have reality present an alternative timing, it is heart wrenching, frustrating and painful. once he was born, we were elated. then came the sleepless nights. he did not sleep as well as my daughter had. it was a shock to the system after eight years of normal sleep routines. i would have difficult days of weariness that were trying. we made it through the sleepless nights, finally. then as a toddler, he began too bite other children. do you know how embarrassing and stressful it is when your child harms a friend’s child? this was not going as it had the first time around or the way i had expected. this lovely, beautiful little boy was the delight of my heart but he was trying my patience…in many more ways than i ever desired to endure.

what was i to do? i was not enjoying those moments i was living. i wanted to fast forward to easier, more enjoyable days, the future seemed so distant and far away…when life as i had hoped it would be would appear.

i was given advice to “be patient”, encouragement that he would get through the stage(s) and things would settle down. we often think another person should find patience easier to conjure up than we do in our own difficult situations. we mean well… we do…but we find taking our own advice impossible when faced with our own circumstances that evoke frustration, anger or pain; a stubborn or distant spouse, a self-destructing teenager, a special needs parent, a bullying boss, or a rude stranger.

i was irrevocably and inescapably stuck in the moment—my feet were tied to it. had i writhed and hollered as much as i wanted, i was still not going anywhere. i was there. immobile.

the available antidote was patience. it speaks of self-control, restraint, delayed gratification, bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance; tolerance and persevering. it was not my idea of a party that i wanted to attend. yet, it was necessary.

the revelation for me was that patience is a skill, not an inherited trait i happened not to inherit. it leads to relaxation, not self-harnessing. it gives you the freedom to have a pleasant time even when the baby gods are playing with you. it converts the helpless rage of impatience into a delicious sense of spaciousness.

patience creates more space between impulse and action.

impulsiveness causes you to act hastily. patience creates feelings of peace and calm, as opposed to the anger and frustration that often arises with impatience. impatience is on the anger continuum. first, you have irritation, then impatience and then anger and, at the far end, rage. patience keeps your anger turned off.

so, how do we practice this skill and develop patience? how can we apply patience, so that frustration goes away, outrage cools, and peace is yours?

1. accept that whatever is happening right now is the way it is. accept that you are here, living this moment as it is. coming to terms with reality helps you to focus your emotions.

2. apply persistence. that’s the capacity to keep on going even though you can’t yet see the end result. it’s what keeps us moving toward our goal and thus helps us make our dreams come true.

3. practice cultivating a sense of peacefulness, serenity or calmness in the face of what is. address poor, learned behaviour such as ranting, fretting or working yourself into a frenzy. stop, breath deeply, count to 10 (or 100), or separate yourself from the situation until your emotions return to a calmer state. whisper a prayer or recite calming scriptures. many find repeating the serenity prayer helpful.

4. focus on your goal of healthy relationships and perfected love.

5. focus your effort, energy and skills on problem solving. pursue wisdom in order to find a solution, this will produce a more effective result.

6. trust yourself, apply compassion when you fail at applying patience…practice makes perfect…keep going…all skill development requires time and practice, practice, practice.

today as i planned to write a post on practicing patience, wouldn’t you know, things did not go to plan. i woke not feeling well. i faced a busy work day. and my husband seemed to want me to help him do something every 5 minutes, and in the midst of all that i lost half of the post before i was able to publish it. opportunities to practice will present themselves. it never fails. i had to laugh at myself and my situation…

i told myself, “dee, love is patient…” and i made the 100th cup of coffee of the day as requested and began to reconstruct my post.

patience is the first and possibly one of the most difficult steps to producing genuine love in the heart. it is a skill. if you find impatience surfacing in your heart, do not fear…you can apply wisdom, practice this skill and develop real love…love that will not fail at building strong, fulfilling relationships.

the next we will explore the fact that love is kind.

i hope you will join me,
D

love…what you believe, say or do are meaningless without it

Posted on September 2, 2013 by Dee Clark

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere.

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

when i was in high school, the characters above were popular. i just dated myself, i know. these little guys were everywhere as we, in the ’70s, attempted to define what love is.

i’ve said before that we all are on a search for value, acceptance, belonging and love as we journey through life. these core elements cause our hearts to long for more, better, greater satisfaction than we seem to be living at the moment.

this search also can leave us disappointed, lonely and hurting so deeply that our heart despairs at times.

currently, i have people in my circle of influence who are battling deep depression, possible divorces, broken lives and emotional pain because they are missing these key components in their lives in one way or another.

it breaks my heart. as i’ve told you before, i am a “fixer”. i am passionate about emotional wholeness because i can relate to this kind of pain. i have experienced it many times in my own search for significance. i have made life changing decisions that were painful as i attempted to answer this question, “what is love?” therefore, out of my compassionate heart, i long to help others find hope that the pain will cease and that true joy and happiness can be found.

this world is a mess in a lot of ways. i read, hear and even come across some really hateful people. most of us want to run a million miles in the other direction when we come face to face with people like this. however, it’s getting harder and harder to do that because everywhere we go…we come face to face with people who rub us the wrong way, or who are not very easy to deal with. other than living like hermits, alone and distanced, we are going to have several of these types of people continually in our lives. in fact, listening to the news can make one fearful of what the world has to offer and what we can look forward to.

we long for love but find that when people lash out at us…we want to lash out right back.

this only leaves us feeling empty even if we feel it’s justified because the heart of man was not made for conflict, hatred and causing pain. it was designed to love.

so, what can you do?

actually, we can make a significant difference but it requires work, selflessness, and real, true, genuine L-O-V-E.

wisdom says that love never fails. did you just roll your eyes at me and think, “yeah, right!” good! then it is not a coincidence that you are reading my post today.

have you thought:
1. this “love” stuff doesn’t work!
2. i have tried and the other person just doesn’t get it?
3. it never lasts?
4. i always get hurt, taken advantage of and disappointed?
5. i’m sick of this! i’m not putting up with this anymore!

i think that we all have been there at one point or another.

so, what’s the definition of insanity? doing things the same way and hoping for different results?

this week, i want to explore this topic. i warn you, love is not for the faint hearted. it’s not all roses, wine, candle light and chocolates. sometimes, it’s down in the trenches, in the mud, death-defying action. a great example is the men and women who leave home, family, and comfort to fight for our freedoms while we sit at home and criticize them for their battle. they do it anyway because they understand the value and rewards of freedom (even when,”we” the comfortable, abuse those freedoms with our poor attitudes about how they are won). love is no different. the rewards of “mud on your face”, “heart wrenching”, “fight with all that is in you” love are just as worthwhile. however, it probably looks a lot different than what you have been doing. which is good news because if what you are doing isn’t working for you….then there is HOPE!

look at my quote at the beginning of the post. let’s start there.

there are many noble things we do in the name of love;however, it is very easy to see right through actions that are not motivated by genuine love. Isn’t?

we’ve all been “smooth talked” in order for someone to manipulate us. eloquent words and reasoning may produce an action…but people see right through it and wise up before very long and your efforts are short lived.

faith is a foundation we all need. we have to understand what and why we believe something that governs our lives. faith alone, in God, ourselves, money, status, chocolate, or teddy bears (look we can put our faith in some unusual places expecting it to bring us happiness) is not enough. you have heard the quote that your actions are speaking louder than what you say you believe. it’s true. if you are sharing your faith and people are running a country mile…(here’s some tough love), your actions are speaking louder than your preaching. here’s a clue: if it’s real, and it works, people want it…if it’s not, they are telling you, “i see holes in what you are saying compared to what you are living.”

benevolence, self-sacrifice and doing selfless acts are commendable. again, they are not a replace for really loving someone…that is where the real, effective work is.

the bottom line is that…

no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

…and you are,too.

you and i can change what is not working. we can see that love never fails even when it is difficult. we just need to understand what “love is” and what it is not.

would you like to explore this with me? if you know others who might benefit from this topic, please share this post and ask them to join us on this exploration this week. you’ll be glad you did.

before I go, I have a simple test. walk past someone today, give them a big smile and a cheerful, “i hope you have the most fantastic day”…season it with as much genuine love as you an muster in your heart and see if they respond even a little…i think they will. you will see that loving kindness CAN change the world.

i look forward to our time together this week, please join me again!
D

4 ways to improve dependability as a friendship

Posted on August 24, 2013 by Dee Clark

it is important to understand that when we give our word to a friend, they depend on us to be reliable. they trust us to follow through with what we commit to do. most often, they will not truly know if they can depend upon our offer until they really need it…

how refreshing to the heart to realize there is a friend they can count on.

to improve dependability as a friend:

1. do not offer help out of emotion. although your heart may be sympathetic, emotion alone is not the best motivation for making an offer you may be unable to follow through with.
2. count the cost before giving your word. your friend will respect honesty.
3. listen. often, your friend needs a safe, caring place to share -they may not need you to do anything more than “listen” to their heart.
4. follow through to the best of your ability.

it truly is refreshing to have a friend you can rely on when you need them…it is also refreshing to be that friend when necessary.

do you have a friend that you have been able to depend on? might be a great time to let them know they are appreciated…

thank you, friends, for being faithful readers!
D

Love is the Best Motivation

Posted on August 11, 2013 by Dee Clark

do you want to live a life full miracles?

motivate every action by love.

you will find amazing results.

you will find your is heart fuller, happier, and brighter.

Together is My Favorite Place

Posted on August 11, 2013 by Dee Clark

i spent some one on one time at work this week with my stepson.

i listened a lot.

i spoke less.

i didn’t challenge his opinions.

i heard his heart.

i appreciated his uniqueness.

i accepted him for who he is.

i received his gift.

it blessed my heart.

together is one of my favorite places in the world.

5 things children can teach us about succeeding

Posted on August 9, 2013 by Dee Clark

children are amazing creatures and we can learn some important lessons from them about succeeding in our lives and reaching complete well-being.

do you realise that children possess the key elements required for success within them from the very beginning of life? they do…instinctively. which means, you possess within you exactly what you need to succeed, overcome difficulty and live a whole-healthy life. i believe it’s not there by chance. it was by design! in fact, i’m sure of it. after all, if we look at nature, every creature and part of nature was designed to perform in every way exactly what it needs to for existence…perfectly.

and aren’t we the crowning glory of creation? the most amazing creature of all that was created in nature and life? why, yes, WE ARE!

this sends my mind down a reasoning path like this: why then, could i ever imagine that i am unable to live my life to it’s fullest? i watch little creatures like birds flutter about making nests, gathering worms, chirping songs, learning to fly, migrating, and everything they instinctively do in their little lives…without failure…and i (and you) sometimes question whether or not i can “do this”.

why?

as we grow, we become conditioned whether conscientiously or not by negative experiences and others around us. often, it starts when we are children because “conditioned” adults do not realise that these essential, designed elements need encouragement and nurturing.

there are 5 things children can teach us about living successfully and fully:

1. excitement. just stand in the midst of a group of children and ask, “who wants ice cream?” the group will erupt with excitement. let a child learn a new skill or draw a picture and they can barely contain themselves as they share it.

excitement is an instinctive element that acts like fuel. too many adults exchange their excitement for a more logical requirement of security. we don’t want to be disappointed therefore we stifle excitement until we are more “certain”. however, we still get hurt, disappointed and have disadvantages. excitement fuels our hope. we need to be excited about our lives. not allowing ourselves to “get our hopes up” does not prevent the disappointment…it stifles our creativity, willingness to try and keeps an under lying current of sadness flowing in our lives.

we can attempt to lead safe, secure lives expecting and waiting for guarantees but we will miss the opportunities excitement with lead us to.

2. persistence. everything we undertake in life requires persistence: losing weight, lasting relationships, financial freedom…and more. often, we give up before we reach the goal because it feels too difficult.

my granddaughter was here last night for my birthday. this is her approach:

Ella: “DD, can I have a milo? (NZ hot chocolate)

Me: “sure, give me a minute and let me finish this then I’ll make you one”.

(seconds go by)

Ella: “milo please”

i repeat my first reply which she accepts.

(seconds go by again)

Ella: “aren’t you going to make my milo?”

if I managed to get through 1complete minute to finish the task…she will have asked for the milo a minimum of 10-20 times in the minute. persistent! until she has the milo in her little hands…BTW, then we were immediately onto, “can I put on your make up”…and she asks persistently until she gets what she wants.

now, as adults, we want them to learn patience, to not be so demanding and stop annoying us. the problem is, we are training them to set aside a vital key to succeeding if we don’t handle it properly. they learn that persistence equals annoyance and it is not acceptable.

i think instead, we should learn from them how to reactivate this key in our pursuit of successful living.

3. adventure. risks are vital to success. children have amazingly adventurous spirits. if someone says they can jump off the roof with fake wings strapped to their arms…they are willing to try. boys will eat worms just to see what they taste like. at 12 years old, i jumped off a diving board because the other kids said i would float. i took the risk and because i couldn’t swim, i nearly drowned. that fear paralysed my risk taking for the rest of my life. children don’t stop to analyse the possible pain that could result, they jump right in.

if you have a big dream, you will have to be willing to take risks in order to see it eventuate. you might experience pain but you might not…you might actually make that dream come true!

4. shake-it-off. watch a toddler learning to walk. he falls down, maybe a bit stunned, but he keeps getting up and attempting until one day…he is walking.

a child learning to ride a bike might fall off but they shake it off and learn to accomplish the goal.

as adults, when we fall or fail, we think, “how could I have been so stupid. i’ll never do that again”. we stop. many times we are told of inventors who failed many times before they found the “one” invention that worked and was a huge success. the key is to shake-it-off…get up (don’t stay down)…and keep trying! success, healing and wholeness will come.

5. faith. the final thing we can learn from children is faith. we all have it designed into our very being.

have you ever tried to argue a point that a child has but their faith into? my granddaughter’s teacher told her that butter was not healthy. since that time, she has refused to eat butter. my daughter told me that the other day she was trying to convince her it was ok to eat butter. ella finally dipped her little finger in the butter and put a tiny dab of butter on her bread. however, her faith in the message that it was not healthy has her convinced and she is not going to eat it. Lol.

faith is also the reason most children believe that on Christmas Eve there will be a visitor who comes down the chimney and leaves them surprises if they have been especially good. there is no need for evidence or proof of the possibility…just blind belief that it must be so…so much so that it alters their behaviour to ensure success…gifts under the tree!

you and i were designed with the excitement, persistence, adventure, ability to shake-it-off, and ability to have faith in order to succeed at forgiving, in our relationships, accomplish our dreams and whatever else we set out to accomplish.

our Creator knew what we would need to produce successful, heathy well-being in the same way He knew what the birds or dolphins and all other living creatures needed to thrive. He knew and He designed us with those elements knit into our being…

just watch little children…it’s there…even without having to be taught!

i think we could watch and learn. if do, we would discover some amazing keys to making our lives the success we long for.

isn’t that “exciting” news?

i think so.