how big is big when something is a big deal

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

we women can get a bit emotion at times. i decided some years back that i need to “feel” what i feel but hysteria only nullifies my point. i am pretty passionate about things. i am also a bit of a rescuer. are you familiar with that term? (maybe i’ll go into more detail on a future post). basically, the Stephen Karpman “drama triangle” proposes three psychological roles that people often assume in a situation. according to Wikipedia.org these roles consist of:

The person who plays the role of a victim
The person who pressures, coerces or persecutes the victim, and
The rescuer, who intervenes, seemingly out of a desire to help the situation or the underdog.

we move around the triangle depending on the situation. at one time or other in life, we’ve been all three. i have a strong tendency toward being a rescuer. i like to help people. hurting people. especially those who can’t help themselves. it is very important that i check my motivations and whether or not i actually need to get involved. maturity is a wonderful thing. there was a day when i was so passionate about rescuing the victim…that i’d be a bit emotional about it.

balance is a good thing. especially if you get so involved that you aren’t thinking straight or using wisdom. (after all, we all have to walk our own journey. at times we need support from others but it needs to be “us” walking the journey and not someone else directing us. that’s called co-dependency. it’s not healthy.)

a friend emailed this set of pictures to me a few years back. (i have attempted to give as much credit as possible below). at the time, i had just concluded a very ugly divorce. my emotions were a bit raw to say the least. i found myself attempting to rescue my daughter in the “situation” (BTW, REALITY check was: she didn’t need to be rescued. i used it to justify my hysterical reactions to poor actions). when i received these photos, i realized just how insignificant my “problem” was. in the scope of the size of the universe…what i was facing and ACTING was pretty small and petty. plus, i was getting no where because i was too raw and emotional about it…i was being discounted and nullified. i needed a plan. cause if it’s not working…um, change something!

please don’t get me wrong. when we have a problem. they feel gigantic. i do understand this and I am not making light. divorce is a very serious heart ache for anyone who has been through it. abuses are despicable. financial ruin is crippling. i do understand. actually, i am empathetic. a broken heart is not to be taken lightly.

what i am talking about today is getting control of the emotion so that you can move forward in a productive way. as we discussed the other day, when disappointments come…take some time to feel what you feel. process through it…you just want to do that in a way that does not wound those around you. in a safe and healthy way to yourself and others.

when i decided that i wanted to make changes, i had determined that there were true issues that i could not get resolved while my point of view was being disregarded. as i said, i needed a plan.

have you heard the expression, “pick your battles if you want to win the war”?

I had to figure out what battles were worth fighting and which needed to be let go.

I came up with a 5 year rule.

My 5 year rule works by asking myself:

Will i even remember that i was in this situation in 5 years?

if i am not even going to remember the situation in 5 years…why put a lot of energy into it? this question culls out a lot of minor situations that we can be passionate about…including making purchases that we think we can’t live without. if i won’t have the purchase, won’t remember the purchase because the quality was poor and i can’t afford it…um, end of discussion.

if i could honestly answer “yes” to the first question, i continued to the second question.

will i even remember that i was this passionate (angry, determined, whatever the emotion) about this situation in 5 years?

i need to know if i will still care about the situation as much as i do today.

if i can honestly answer “yes” to the second question, i work through the emotion until i can work with a level head. then i began to take steps to “fix it”.

don’t panic. if i panic. i don’t think clearly. if i panic – i don’t do anything until the panic passes.
effective communication skills are vital.
realistic timelines must be determined.
gather the facts and documentation if required.
determine appropriate negotiating terms (seriously, i won’t get my way in every part of the situation so i need to be willing to negotiate terms).
take a healthy approach. remember that i want the best outcome for all involved.
keep calm. take a break if necessary. sometimes all parties need time to consider what has been discussed. the world will not end before you get back to the issue at hand.
use respect. if i want respect….i need to give it.
have healthy boundaries in place. i need to understand my safe boundaries and not cross them or let them be crossed. if necessary, a mediator can be helpful if the boundaries are continually being crossed.
be positive as possible…hope for and expect a good outcome. be realistic though…nothing happens overnight. use your patience as long as #8 is being adhered to.

i have probably told my daughter “don’t panic” hundreds of times in her adult life. she recently had a very difficult situation to deal with. she called me in tears. she heard what i always say first, “don’t panic. you can get through this”. i am so proud of her. she calmed herself. went into action (because the answer to both questions was a resounding, big “YES”). everyone involved complimented her including the person who presented the problem. (ok, those of you who know her…don’t ask…at this point it’s gossip and that’s a completely new post topic.) she was told that her maturity in handling the situation was very admirable. proud…yes, i was very proud of her! it works. you can accomplish success but you must keep your wits about you and do the job well.

remember…nothing is impossible…just believe…and trust yourself and your skills! you’ll be healthier…have healthier relationships and a happier journey.

thanks for stopping by,

(Please note: these images were emailed to me a few years ago. it impacted me when I first saw them and decided to share them with you today. i’d like to thank Steve Clayworth, who had the planetary shots posted on his website Random Clayworth . Steve provided a link back to where he first spotted the group which listed ‘the source for this material is unknown and it was submitted without attribution“.)

don’t stop now…

Posted on May 30, 2013 by Dee Clark

you

are going

to want

to quit….

but don’t quit,

you might miss the beautiful part.

life has a way taking us from one stage of the journey to the next

and producing beauty that you can’t even imagine.

Nothing is ever wasted

Posted on May 28, 2013 by Dee Clark

Never under estimate the beauty of survival

Impacts 2…women who left their imprint

Posted on May 25, 2013 by Dee Clark

do you remember the story about the woman who was teaching her daughter to cook a roast? she began by telling her to cut off both ends of the roast before preparing it for the seasoning. when her daughter asked the reason for the wasted portions, the woman did not have an answer other than her mother had taught her to cook a roast this way. the mother and daughter decide to ask the grandmother why the ends of the roast must be removed before cooking. her reply was the same, her mother had provided the instruction and she had always followed it. determined to find an answer, they presented the inquiry to the great grandmother. they were surprised to find that the pan she used to cook a roast in was too small for the cut of meat. she trimmed both ends off the roast to ensure it fit into her pan. the truth in this amusing story is we are products of traditions, values, and characteristics of our history. understanding the things we do in light of the impact of that history allows us t0 measure what we do and why to help us reach our goals for personal growth and wholeness.

women like, Susan B. Anthony, who fought for women’s rights, changed the world for me. those women of history impacted my life. i can only reflect on what their struggles were, the strength they had to muster or the victories they obtained. i remember discussing career paths with my high school guidance counsellor and hearing that architecture was a predominately male dominated career. she gently advised i look at other options. today, young girls study in most any field of interest because women before them forged the way to reform opportunities available to women. impact.

my mother was the first woman to impact my life. i formed my ideas concerning friendship, motherhood, and relationships as i watched her loyalty, commitment, and investment. i learned characteristics like resourcefulness, resilience, strength, selflessness, love, gentleness, patience, forgiveness and endurance. she offered me support while respecting my right to make my own choices (even if they would lead me through a bit of pain). i could depend on her acceptance and love. i have always had a safe place in her heart. my favourite lesson has sustained me through many circumstances in my life-“you may not always be happy about your circumstances but you can be content in the midst of them”. that lesson always draws me back to a pursuit of contentment when discouragement hits my heart because i am not happy about my life in the moment. impact.

my sister, sue. amazing woman: adventurous, bold, joyful and determined. when her son was 5 months old, their family was in a truck accident that left her a quadriplegic. watching her journey inspires me. it reminds me that i can dig deep when circumstances require. i know that strength comes when it is needed the most. i witness that hope and faith do not have to die because of tragedy. she challenged me to continue to pursue my dreams because she pursued hers. her biggest dream was to be a mother. she has two beautiful children; one born after recovery from the accident. now, there are grandchildren…and they delight her heart. impact.

my baby sister was the first to impact me toward responsibility to my circle of influence. i was a teenager when she was born. i have watched her reach for her dreams and pursue it with her whole heart. she is passionate. she also knows how to ask for help and trust in the support around her. these two women also have provided a place of belonging. when my pursuit of acceptance found disappointment elsewhere, my heart always knew i belonged. i had sisters. impact.

my aunts demonstrated a flair for life, independence, resourcefulness, to stand out in a crowd rather than blend. My grandmother stood strong throughout her lifetime on the foundation of her faith. she was diagnosed with brain tumors. she reached a place where she would become agitated or disoriented. when i would see her in this state, i could tell her that i wanted her to quote me Psalms 91 from the Bible and the words would flow from deep in her heart. it seemed to calm her. it amazed me how clearly she could speak. i witnessed what an anchor faith would be to my life. impact.

my friend, lori, opened my world. we explore the outdoors, fitness, commitment, enduring friendship, faith, hope and dreams. i saw something the other day that said, “talking to your best friend is sometimes all the therapy you need…”. she knows that a good run and work out are a great way to clear the mind and blow out the cobwebs. she is trustworthy, faithful and dependable. if i need a good dose of reality, she is not afraid to make the confrontation. she listens passed the words…she can see it in my eyes when i am struggling. she knows when to talk and when to be quiet. impact.

family, friends, teachers, mentors and sometimes even strangers have impacted my life in positive and thought provoking ways. impact.

the negative and positive impacts have helped me to develop who i am and desire to be. they serve as reminders that when i am missing the mark of where i want to be as a woman that adjustments can be made, improvements applied…the journey is not over.

this week i took a simple look at why i do the things i do. this reflection helps me to understand the woman i am and how i got here. it provides me the opportunity to define myself as capable and competent instead of being defined by the adverse circumstances of my life. i develop insight, skills and an appreciation for the journey i have been on. i am not satisfied to just survive…i love to thrive.

i have found common driving factors for behaviour are the cries of the human heart for love, acceptance and value. this drive pushes us to some bizarre behaviour and cycles on our journey. those cycles can feel like traps.

Here are a few questions you can use to look inside your heart:

how do you define yourself? can you pinpoint your strengths and weakness and why you have each? do you define who you are by you successes and failures? do you celebrate the beautiful woman you are becoming?
do you find your self in cycles that are unrewarding? do you rely on addictions to cope? food, substances, performance, shame, or blame?
are you honest with yourself? do you know how to tap into your strengths? can you confront your weaknesses?
do long for love, acceptance and value?
do you have a plan? do you have a plan for growth? do you have goals and dreams? if unfulfilled, can you bring yourself back on track? if achieved, do you celebrate? are you prepared for emotional emergencies and adept facing them head on with out breaking?

i plan to share how, once i was able to look at why i do the things i do…the simple and complex…i was able to develop a plan, set goals and appreciate the successes. feel free to join me…any time. i’d love to have you come by for another look inside my heart.

remember…nothing remains forever. what i am going through today will pass. i will be able to move forward. life moves in times and seasons.

wise Solomon said:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

there is still time…don’t give up!

Impacts

Posted on May 23, 2013 by Dee Clark

do you remember the days of your youth.

when cares were far away. adventure was everywhere? plunging yourself, filled with hope, trust and expectancy was as natural as breathing. determination was strong. dreams were big. everything imagined must surely be possible. the journey was exciting and new, so much to learn, so much to experience. life was simple. when you were hungry, a request could be made and the need met. if you needed comfort, you would crawl up into the lap of a loved one and snuggle in…the world was better. life impacts are as easy to see as the impact of age.

in the movie, “the vow”, leo states, “Life’s all about moments of impact and how they change our lives forever.” we all have them. we are all changed. those impacts drive “why we do the things we do”.

impacts like the tornado in Oklahoma. my heart, my thoughts and prayers go out to the families who have been impacted by loss due to this tragedy.

our lives are impacted in so many wonderful ways (and i will discuss that in another blog). i can recall lovely memories of impacts that were joyous. those impacts encountered on my journey gave me reasons i do what i do in relation to traditions, values, influential characteristics, the peace in my life and how i relate better to the world. it’s the unsolicited negative impacts that shake me to my core and often filter through my life in subtle ways changing the way i do the things i do.

results of a workplace fire where i worked

results of a fire at my workplace a few years back

waking with the world as it should be and ending the day with incomprehensible devastation sends shock waves through the heart. for me, although i live in NZ now where tornados are not common (and i sit in the safety of my environment),hearing the Oklahoma news causes me to relive my childhood memories of nights in the basement, standing on the patio petrified of the swirl of the clouds above, or shaking in my bed in fear of the weather warning on the nightly news. i know this pain. my hometown was hit by a huge tornado when i was in college. my mother and sister were driving in the path of this great monster cloud. my brother helped with the rescue efforts. the shopping center where i worked was in the direct path of the tornado (although i was not at work that day). massive destruction. i still long for the safety of a storm cellar or basement during strong winds even though the odds of a tornado are pretty much nil here. i am planning to build a new home in the coming years. being the planner that i am…i am starting now gathering all the ideas i hope to incorporate into this new home. my plan includes a full basement which contains a second lounge (oh, BTW that is NZ for den) with 5 bedrooms and en suites(bathrooms). i want this for my children and grandchildren to have a lovely place to visit. however, the subtle truth that lingers deep within my heart is that i want a “safe” place of retreat should it ever be needed. that subtle truth directly relates to the impact that living in tornado alley had on my life. impact. i think it’s the uncontrollable impacts that drive us to find a ways to control and prevent facing that kind of impact EVER again. following the earthquake in Christchurch, NZ a couple of years ago, many families moved to regions less likely to experience earthquakes. intuitively, we reach for significance, value, love, hope, dreams, wholeness, justice, and relief from pain.

i can’t remember a single day that i thought, “i need a little pain today”. right? my heart can be wounded without any effort of my own. natural disaster. accident. loss of a loved one. divorce. the list is actually overwhelming. i won’t pretend i understand why things happen. it’s a universal question. (i will say on behalf of humanity, hurting people hurt people. i know there have been times in my life during disparaging pain, i have been less than proud of some of my actions. a wounded heart sometimes lashes out as a cry for relief from the barrage of pain it is experiencing.) i will attempt to share a small part of my journey to recovery.

while my heart can be wounded without any effort on my part, recovery requires deliberate and purposeful action. it is a control that i can take in my own life. this is a process. everyone has a differing level of urgency in the pursuit of recovery. however, pain gets our attention and sets us on the journey toward recovery. causes a reach for higher, deeper, stronger meaning to our existence. i don’t like to feel pain. allowing myself to feel gives me understanding like a barometer or oil gauge guiding me to the need…the bottom line…where i need help.

following a negative impact in life, finding a safe place of encouragement and support in important. an instinctive response can be to isolate in hope of protecting the heart. loss of faith in God or the good of mankind tend to be the first and hardest hit. faith gets us through. in my life, i have chosen to have faith in God. i have needed faith in myself (i can be my own worst critic) that i had the strength i did not feel (give myself a break). i needed faith in the support from family, friends, my community and/or professionals. These components can be seen following natural disasters like the tornado in Oklahoma. Hearts prayed and cried out to God; a source greater than ourselves is so vital. Nieghbors and communities pulled together in support as they awaited the teams of rescue services and resources. support and encouragement surrounded the hurting. recovery, in small steps, could begin. these elements provide the courage to the heart to charge toward rebuilding life. Rebuilding is another process in recovery. tools are available to help a life to go on, survive, hope, live and thrive…restore.

i am reminded of the children’s movie, “the lion king”. following the oppression, the fire and devastation, there is a scene of the day when the sun rises, the grass begins to grow once more, and life is renewed and restored. no matter how completely despairing the day my seem, the sun shines again. growth returns, and life is evident once more. the heart will find wings and soar again.

i prefer celebrations. i prefer the joyful impacts rather than the painful impacts. however, when necessary there is a way through the pain. i know by experience this is truth. i have the scars to prove it. the scars are there to remind me how courageous i was. that i did heal. the pain and tears are past. joy has returned. i am stronger.

again, my prayers are with Oklahoma. my hope is for a speedy recovery to the wounded both in body and soul. i trust the rebuilding process is productive toward producing new dreams and accomplishments. i am sure the effected communities are grateful for the support from far and near as they work toward brighter days.

“Life’s all about moments of impact and how they change our lives forever.” as you face your moments, may you find courage and strength, hope and love, faith and assurance.

Thanks for stopping by,

Help AID Oklahoma Tornado Victims: Help Save the Next Life (imaginepublicity.com)
Deadly tornado: from search for survivors to recovery (kfor.com)
‘Tornado Mom’ to Okla. victims: ‘You will rebuild’ (today.com)

why i do the things i do…

Posted on May 19, 2013 by Dee Clark

if you are like me sometimes life swirls around in a way that can be overwhelming. this morning, i was reflecting on why i do the things i do. i have found this question very beneficial when i want to check my heart and it’s motivations.

i tend to be a bit OCD sometimes. i like things planned out, organized, structured. i often say that i have perfectionist tendencies. to me, that means that i like things a certain way…perfect and if i can’t achieve that, i have a strong desire to not even try. i had to relearn how i do things and aim for excellence. in striving for excellence i can give myself a break and do the best i can do and accept that perfection does not always have to be the end product. this isn’t always easy because i live in such an opinionated world.

let’s take housework for an example. i have been told that the state of a household speaks volumes about the woman in charge of it. i like my surroundings to be organized and ordered. a place for everything and everything in it’s place. i want to be a good steward of the things i have in my possession. i have had times that this drove me to doing crazy things like cleaning under my washer and dryer or refrigerator before guests arrived. my husband would tell me that no one was ever going to get down and look under them. i knew it was there and it drove me crazy! why? i didn’t want anyone to get the message that i couldn’t handle my life. truth is, sometimes, i can’t. getting my heart to accept that truth helped me to relax, make a workable plan (clean under them on a regular basis, timed with a schedule i could keep….that’s called an achievable goal) and understand that the motivation that drove me crazy was actually not healthy for my heart and soul. it was freeing to let myself be ok with the fact that some where, at sometime, someone would see that i was not perfect. i might be judged rightly or wrongly. i might even be misunderstood. it would not kill me. the truth is i don’t actually enjoy housework. i love the end product. i feel very satisfied when i can stand back, sigh, smile and think, “my world as it should be”. i like that feeling of accomplishment. so, why do i do it…this task i don’t even enjoy. i have several reasons. one, i just shared. sometimes i do it out of obligation. i can’t stand the mess one minute longer and since i seem to be the only one who sees the trash overflowing, the dishes stacked next to the sink or the empty toilet paper roll, i charge in. sometimes it’s because the perfectionist in me gets the upper hand and i’m driven again. i’ve even done it as a reward for meeting a challenged with myself to leave it for a time so that i could do something more important like play with my grandchildren. my goal motivation is my love for order and good stewardship.

i love the water. i could sit next to it for hours listening to it sing to me.

i love it’s color and i am fascinated by the creatures that call it home. one of my biggest desires is to see a whale in the waters near where i live. to have a visit from one of these massive and beautiful sea creatures in the environment i live in would excite my heart.

i love to sit in the sun, dig my toes in the sand and watch my two grandchildren bounce, run and play. however, as in love with the water as i am, i rarely go in. why do i do this when i love so much about the water? i am afraid. i had an experience once as an inexperienced swimmer where i feared that i was going to drown. i was twelve. it was terrifying. i took swimming lessons the next year. i’m not very good at it but i am sure that i could get myself to safety in most situations if necessary. i can trace most of my actions around the water back to that fear. it directs my reactions, my cautions and causes me to act differently than my heart desires for me. i have to challenge myself to face that fear because i am not always satisfied sitting on the shore. it’s not easy. there are times (when i’m as certain as i can be that i am safe) i get in with my heart afraid…and just try.

i’m not alone. we all carry in our hearts experiences, triumphs, failures, joys, pains…so many influences that cause us to do the things we do. i can love deeply. i can sympathize and empathize. sadly, i’ve judged wrongly or not forgiven. i can give unselfishly. at times, withdraw. no matter the situation i have found it important for me to understand why i do the things i do. i want to understand the motivations that direct me. for when i do, i have the opportunity to find deeper satisfaction in what i do or work to change the things that i wish i did differently.

this week, i plan to give you some insight from my heart on what motivates me. in the mean time, i invite you to “look inside your heart” and ask yourself, “why do I do the things that I do?”

Look Inside Your Heart

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

as a young girl, I considered my most precious treasure to be my heart. it was a secret garden of my joys, triumphs, failures, my pain, experiences….my journey. the place where I was the me that no one knew. much different than what i perceived everyone around me could see. i gathered the fragile content and stored it away. as i walked toward womanhood, i found that those treasures contained in the abundance of my heart, formed the woman i was becoming. sometimes, i was proud of that woman. sometimes, not. i learned to trust my heart and let it challenge me to be better, stronger, wiser, kinder. it was a journey of ups and downs. a journey perhaps much like the one you travel.

hundreds of cars drive past these old buildings everyday. it used to be a thriving business, generating big revenue for this little town. now, as people drive by, the building looks old, worthless, broken, empty and useless. however, on the occasion that someone takes the time to stop and come inside, the reaction is startling. inside, beyond this rough exterior are several thriving businesses producing iconic NZ seafood well known to the world. “Who would have thought this was going on in this old building”, we often hear.

i love these shots. i think they are beautiful. they are weeds. an annoyance most of the time. through the lens of my new a camera, beauty.

have you longed for someone to take the time to look inside and see the real you? or maybe a closer look and see your special beauty?

i find that, no matter the outer package, we as women long to be seen in a deeper way.

my bff and i share everything. we love heart to heart talks. we laugh. we cry. we are silly (especially late at night). we trust. we share. sometimes we fight. when we can’t put words to what is in our heart, we say, “Look inside your heart”. we have found that so many times when words are not there to express what we feel, if we just take a look inside our own heart immediately we can see and know what the other is attempting to convey. it’s because we are alike. we have a common bond…the heart of a woman.

the older i become, the more i see a common thread among the women i meet. we hope. we dream. we worry. we long. we fear. we celebrate. we guard. we nurture. we disappoint. we surprise. we search. we find. we teach. we influence. complex and unique creatures, seldom confident in what makes us so beautiful. real beauty comes from within…so, i challenge you to join me on this journey and look inside your heart as I share what is in mine.

i request your patience as i learn about this world of blogging. i love technology but am learning. so this too is a journey like my life is so if i get it wrong…look inside your heart and see that i will get there and need your patience.