how big is big when something is a big deal

perspective perspective3

we women can get a bit emotion at times. i decided some years back that i need to “feel” what i feel but hysteria only nullifies my point. i am pretty passionate about things. i am also a bit of a rescuer. are you familiar with that term? (maybe i’ll go into more detail on a future post). basically, the Stephen Karpman  “drama triangle” proposes three psychological roles that people often assume in a situation. according to Wikipedia.org these roles consist of:

  • The person who plays the role of a victim
  • The person who pressures, coerces or persecutes the victim, and
  • The rescuer, who intervenes, seemingly out of a desire to help the situation or the underdog.

we move around the triangle depending on the situation. at one time or other in life, we’ve been all three. i have a strong tendency toward being a rescuer. i like to help people. hurting people. especially those who can’t help themselves. it is very important that i check my motivations and whether or not i actually need to get involved. maturity is a wonderful thing. there was a day when i was so passionate about rescuing the victim…that i’d be a bit emotional about it.

balance is a good thing. especially if you get so involved that you aren’t thinking straight or using wisdom. (after all, we all have to walk our own journey. at times we need support from others but it needs to be “us” walking the journey and not someone else directing us. that’s called co-dependency. it’s not healthy.)

a friend emailed this set of pictures to me a few years back. (i have attempted to give as much credit as possible below). at the time, i had just concluded a very ugly divorce. my emotions were a bit raw to say the least. i found myself attempting to rescue my daughter in the “situation” (BTW, REALITY check was: she didn’t need to be rescued. i used it to justify my hysterical reactions to poor actions). when i received these photos, i realized just how insignificant my “problem” was. in the scope of the size of the universe…what i was facing and ACTING was pretty small and petty. plus, i was getting no where because i was too raw and emotional about it…i was being discounted and nullified. i needed a plan. cause if it’s not working…um, change something!

perspective4 perspective5

please don’t get me wrong. when we have a problem. they feel gigantic. i do understand this and I am not making light. divorce is a very serious heart ache for anyone who has been through it. abuses are despicable. financial ruin is crippling. i do understand. actually, i am empathetic. a broken heart is not to be taken lightly.

what i am talking about today is getting control of the emotion so that you can move forward in a productive way. as we discussed the other day, when disappointments come…take some time to feel what you feel. process through it…you just want to do that in a way that does not wound those around you. in a safe and healthy way to yourself and others.

perspective6when i decided that i wanted to make changes, i had determined that there were true issues that i could not get resolved while my point of view was being disregarded. as i said, i needed a plan.

have you heard the expression, “pick your battles if you want to win the war”?

I had to figure out what battles were worth fighting and which needed to be let go.

I came up with a 5 year rule.

My 5 year rule works by asking myself:

  • Will i even remember that i was in this situation in 5 years?

if i am not even going to remember the situation in 5 years…why put a lot of energy into it? this question culls out a lot of minor situations that we can be passionate about…including making purchases that we think we can’t live without. if i won’t have the purchase, won’t remember the purchase because the quality was poor and i can’t afford it…um, end of discussion.

if i could honestly answer “yes” to the first question, i continued to the second question.

  • will i even remember that i was this passionate (angry, determined, whatever the emotion) about this situation in 5 years?

 i need to know if i will still care about the situation as much as  i do today.

if i can honestly answer “yes” to the second question, i work through the emotion until i can work with a level head. then i began to take steps to “fix it”.

  1. don’t panic. if i panic. i don’t think clearly. if i panic – i don’t do anything until the panic passes.
  2. effective communication skills are vital.
  3. realistic timelines must be determined.
  4. gather the facts and documentation if required.
  5. determine appropriate negotiating terms (seriously, i won’t get my way in every part of the situation so i need to be willing to negotiate terms).
  6. take a healthy approach. remember that i want the best outcome for all involved.
  7. keep calm. take a break if necessary. sometimes all parties need time to consider what has been discussed. the world will not end before you get back to the issue at hand.
  8. use respect. if i want respect….i need to give it.
  9. have healthy boundaries in place. i need to understand my safe boundaries and not cross them or let them be crossed. if necessary, a mediator can be helpful if the boundaries are continually being crossed.
  10. be positive as possible…hope for and expect a good outcome. be realistic though…nothing happens overnight. use your patience as long as #8 is being adhered to.

i have probably told my daughter “don’t panic” hundreds of times in her adult life. she recently had a very difficult situation to deal with. she called me in tears. she heard what i always say first, “don’t panic. you can get through this”. i am so proud of her. she calmed herself. went into action (because the answer to both questions was a resounding, big “YES”). everyone involved complimented her including the person who presented the problem. (ok, those of you who know her…don’t ask…at this point it’s gossip and that’s a completely new post topic.) she was told that her maturity in handling the situation was very admirable. proud…yes, i was very proud of her! it works. you can accomplish success but you must keep your wits about you and do the job well.

remember…nothing is impossible…just believe…and trust yourself and your skills! you’ll be healthier…have healthier relationships and a happier journey.

thanks for stopping by,

D

(Please note: these images were emailed to me a few years ago.  it impacted me when I first saw them and decided to share them with you today. i’d like to thank Steve Clayworth, who had the planetary shots posted on his website  Random Clayworth. Steve provided a link back to where he first spotted the group which listed ‘the source for this material is unknown and it was submitted  without attribution“.)

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