Share the love

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Dee Clark

love has 2 pleasures (and they don’t belong in the gutter)

Posted on September 18, 2013 by Dee Clark

love isn’t just an emotion. it is not a fantasy. it is not an unattainable mystery just outside our grasp. if you are in the midst of the search for love, you can easily attract love simply by loving.

do you want love?

then give love.

does that sound too simplistic?

it’s not.

love is not even a commitment. it’s not. or a contract. why? because in our society both can be broken and ended.

and love never fails. it doesn’t stop. it doesn’t end.

your relationship may have ended but real love does not end.

love is not a commitment; it is a covenant. do you understand that term?

it means…all that i am, all that i have, all in me that will benefit you and make you better-is yours for the length of my life.

Jewish history demonstrated covenant by having the two parties bring the best animal they had in their possession. there would be a feast to celebrate but first, the animals were prepared. as the blood flowed, the friends, business partners, alliances, or families would walked in a figure 8 (turn that 8 on it’s side and it is the symbol we have today for infinity) through the blood between the two animals. sounds gross. what it represented to them was that the blood was forever (to infinity) mingled together to the point that they could no longer distinguish what blood belonged to which animal. this was a way of saying, “we are one…there is no way to tell what was mine or yours…all i am, have and need are yours…all the you are, have and need are mine. we move together toward the same purpose. when you are in trouble-i come to your rescue. when i am in trouble-you come to mine. when i win, prosper and celebrate-you can, too. when you win, prosper and celebrate-i do as well.”

you don’t decide that in 5 minutes.

it is not a 50/50 arrangement, i give some, if you give some…and when you stop, i stop. and if you stop, i take my share and go home.

take the love between a mother and child. what will a mother endure in motherhood? i have seen many mothers endure endless heartache, pain and hatred from a child and still reach out a loving hand. tell a mother to walk away, dust her hands and finish her love for her child. will she? more times than not, no, she won’t.

our hearts break because we jump into what we fantasize love to be, commit and when it goes badly wrong -we are crushed. rightly so, our hearts were not intended to break in this way.

because in love (as a covenant), you don’t just walk away…if separation occurs, you are ripping yourself apart.

that’s a pretty good description of how it feels.

love then is the way passions (which can get out of hand on us) are tempered and restrained so that we are able to keep in focus what is truly important.

it corrects the sharpness of temper and sweetens and softens the mind, so that the heart does not suddenly conceive or carry for long vehement passion. it helps us drop our resentments and reconcile.

love has two pleasures; one negative and one positive.

negatively, it doesn’t take pleasure:

1. in hurting anyone.
2. in believing unsubstantiated rumours.
3. in wishing ill on anyone, much less cause it or laugh because it occurs.
4. in being spiteful, or delighting in someone’s faults or failings because it makes them look better.
5. in being entertained at another person’s sins, failings, grief or calamity.
Note: the height of hatred is to take pleasure in the misery of a fellow creature.

positively, it celebrates:

1. another person’s success.
2. in seeing someone do well.
3. in a person proving their sincerity, integrity and honesty.
4. in seeing innocence cleared.
5. in seeing trust established.

these are loves pleasures because in loving this way, you and i are loving as if we are loving ourselves…because that’s exactly what we ARE doing. love is a covenant that forever makes that person a part of us (think about a mother and child)…an extension of who we are.

now, that is not a fantasy…that, my friend, is the reality of what we all hope to find.

and the way we find it is not by being shallow, manipulative, and flippant with the concept of love to satisfy our selfishness…but by determining that we will live it, offer it and share it with all it’s responsibilities, restraints and stabilities…and when we do…love, really love…you won’t be able to prevent attracting real love in return! (oh, and when it’s called love but isn’t…you’ll recognize it so fast their head will spin!)

if your heart keeps getting broken, slow down. learn to love. look to Wisdom for the truest example of love. recognize the real thing and don’t accept a counterfeit…i promise, you will cry fewer tears caused by a broken heart. and you will be living a satisfied life really loving and showing compassion to the needy. you won’t have time to even think about swooning over a broken heart.

love has 2 pleasures…and they are worth developing…life skills for success. you can’t loose because love never fails!

thank you to those of you who have been sharing the love…posts. you all are awesome!

i guess, i’ll see you next time.
good night from NZ,
D

it’s not PMS

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

i know, before you even think it…this life development skill is a tough one. love…can be tough sometimes…but it is not touchy, or resentful.

let me just say before i go on that although this skill is difficult to develop at the start…it is probably one of the most effective skills to have under your life tool belt.

as a woman, we are emotional to the core. it can be far too easy to just go with it. yet, this one back fires on us continually if we don’t get it under control. not being touchy is only going to be successful if self-control is applied.

so, no more blaming PMS or guys, whatever you blame.

the topics i have been covering concerning love require a sensitive heart. however, being touchy is the polar opposite.

a touchy person makes you feel like you must walk around on egg shells. believe me, this makes the relationship extremely difficult.

a touchy person is never happy unless things go according to their wishes.

a touchy person indirectly intimidates others, causes a lot of drama, and often has meltdowns unless their needs are met.

a touchy person will use manipulation although they appear passive and compliant.

a touchy person often pouts and emotionally punishes those around them.

do you know this person? have you been this person?

remember, i often say, “hurting people hurt people”. if you are dealing with a person like this or are this person -it’s a pretty good indication that there are deeper underlying personal problems that the person (or you) are dealing with.

it’s like reaching out and touching a fresh wound. have you ever had a bruise, sun burn or wound that someone innocently smacks. you scream out. the person who smacked you may have been giving you a friendly pat and is shocked at the reaction. you, on the other hand, are reeling with pain all over again.

touchiness is like that. previous pain to the heart causes a person to be hyper-sensitive to what may not have been intended to wound.

since we have all been wounded before, it is possible that we face some touchy moments.

1. you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. if the wound is deeper than you know how to fix…there is help! don’t isolate yourself and remain in a painful state.

2. forgive. whether you need to distance yourself from an offender or not, forgiveness is necessary for the wound to heal, for real love to operate in your heart toward others, for peace of mind to return, and for touchiness to subside.

3. find the trigger that sets you off. if you can begin to objectively look at what causes you to feel touchy, it becomes easier to identify where self-control needs to applied.

following my abusive relationship, one of my triggers was rudeness and disrespect. there were times that i interpreted things as rude when it wasn’t meant that way. i had to look honestly at what really was rude and what i was perceiving that way. i also had to convince myself that NOT everyone was like my abuser just waiting for the opportunity to hurt me. it took time but with purposeful action, one step at a time, i was able to free my heart…and you can, too.

resentment will have similar affects. resentment addresses the injustice of the pain, i think. it is difficult to let go…but tying yourself to injustice only puts you in a prison to the offence.

moving forward and attempting to love others becomes almost impossible. i see it like a cancer. you think you can contain it to one area (the offender) but it slowly, stealthily spreads out even onto people you would never dream of wanting to hurt -children, spouses, family and friends.

are you sweating this one? i know! it’s a tough one.

and love takes no account of a wrong suffered.

there was a day that this made me gasp for breath. seriously. again, let me make it VERY clear…this DOES NOT mean you must endure abuse! you have a right to be treated fairly, appropriately and safely! i endured abuse thinking that i was required to just wipe the slate clean and go back for more. this is not what this means.

however, once i was no longer being abused and was healed (yes, i had to heal before i reached this step)…there was a day that my heart could move past the pain and live as if there had been no “wrong suffered”.

this is where we get the saying, love like you have never been hurt. what an amazing thing when we are able to forgive, release and heal enough to allow love to fill our hearts like we have never been hurt…at that point -resentment fades, touchiness ceases and we are truly living and loving the way we have hoped deep within the heart.

now, i’m touchy but it’s in a positive way…i can’t help reaching out and touching others in a compassionate way…and what a lovely reaction that brings. the world is searching for love…a love that is a safe place for their hearts. a refuge.

love has a cost. but aren’t we used to paying the cost for a worthwhile product…love is definitely good value!

i can’t tell you how happy i am that you have stopped by to read my blog. thank you!

aspire to inspiration

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Dee Clark

you are the inspiration someone in your world needs…

and you may ever know what it is…

your flare, joy, hope, strength and maybe even your weakness…

will speak deep within their heart…

and make all the difference to their world!

aspire to inspire.
D

it never rains forever

Posted on September 16, 2013 by Dee Clark

where i live in Southland, New Zealand, it rains a lot. i’ve heard people say that the rain and resulting green grass are part of the reason that farming is so successful here.

even with the benefits it brings, the farmers don’t want it to rain everyday.

thankfully, it doesn’t.

be encourage that the rain comes for specific, beneficial reasons…

but it won’t always rain…

the sun will shine again!

and even if it’s raining on the outside, keep the sun shining in your heart.

giving is the best communication (an example of how love works)

Posted on September 15, 2013 by Dee Clark

no act of kindness or love

despite its size

is lost

but lives on and on

within the heart of the recipient

and speaks volumes and more

of the true meaning

of compassion

this

i adore

a couple of cancerous emotions

Posted on September 14, 2013 by Dee Clark

hello, again

i am in the middle of a two part move. moving once is a huge job but moving twice in one month is unbelievable. i am not complaining though. i am actually right in my element doing the nesting thing. my biggest challenge is not to go over board in the temporary dwelling. i could have a great time updating and decorating this old 1920 style home but i will do my best to refrain.

instead, i have been concentrating my time on deep cleaning my belongings that have been in storage for 3 years. it’s a little like Christmas…opening the boxes and realizing that i have several items that i have lived without for so long. it is also a great time for de-cluttering. many of the articles i have read about things that you hold onto and box away state that if you have lived without it for say 6 months…it probably can go without you ever missing it. i quite enjoy the de-cluttering process. there is nothing like a good purge, so to speak. it refreshes me to come to terms with the items i have accumulated that were totally unnecessary and focus on the worthwhile items that will actually make life better and easier.

this brings me back to my topic. this may require a little de-cluttering of the heart.

i was writing about love before my big move became a part of my busy schedule. i shared that love never gives up (is patient) and is more concerned with others than it is for self (is kind).

today, lets look at the fact that love is never envious or jealous. no one will go through their life having never felt envious or jealous. these are common feelings that we all experience from time to time. however, if these feelings are not handled correctly and in a positive way, they can cause us to loose our peaceful state of mind or, in exaggerated cases, incapacitate our pursuit of happiness.

i learned as a young woman that i did not like the “green-eyed monster” that i could become if i allowed jealousy to take hold of my heart. envy and jealousy are not very pretty attributes.

jealousy has a competitive edge to it. this is where those ever-so-famous “Joneses” got themselves into trouble. if you have ever attempted to keep up with the joneses you can understand what i mean by jealousy incapacitating your happiness. this is an excellent way to find oneself deep in debt. the jealousy drives us to compete to be the better person than someone we are jealous of or over.

real love is not driven by competition. you and i must first accept ourselves, our situation and our life as it is with confidence. love must first be applied to “me” before i can effectively love outwardly. everyone has some strengths and some weaknesses. my weaknesses can cause me to compare myself and what i have or don’t have with someone else. this leads to discontentment and then jealousy. therefore, contentment is a key element when combating jealousy.

our society does not make contentment an easy pursuit. realizing that there will always be someone, somewhere with better looks, skills and talents than i have is the first thing i must come to grips with. there are many things that i would love to be able to do like a pro but can not. i may attempt to improve my skill but understand that if it does not come as naturally to me as my husband, friend or family member this does not represent me as a whole person. i would love to be able to paint beautiful paintings. however, my paintings usually look like my 5 year old grand daughter’s art work. i have decided that if i really want to paint…i should go for an abstract and paint purely for the relaxation and entertainment value for myself. on the other hand, my strengths lie in facilitating, organizing, decorating and many other talents that i truly enjoy and see benefits from.

as a child, i was the kid hanging from the monkey bars wishing that it would stretch my body so that i could be taller. sad fact…it never worked. i then spent many years wearing high heels in the most inappropriate times because heels did make me taller but were not functional in every situation. i actually went hiking once in heels…can anyone say ridiculous. i can. i did. i had to come to grips with my body height, shape and looks. accepting myself for who i am, how i was made and what i had to offer was key to obtaining the ability to relax and enjoy the journey that i was on.

jealousy also redirects our focus. there occurs an unhealthy attachment to what another person has, is or is doing. when we are focused so intently on someone else’s life we are not able to put the necessary energy into building our own hopes, dreams and goals.

envy takes jealousy to a deeper level. envy drives us to want what others have. an inordinate desire for what others have develops like covetousness. once this desire takes root, compromising our life value system becomes easy to do. this is how affairs occur. often a person will decide that having the object of the inordinate desire is vital and taking what is does not belong to them is rationalized.

here are a few things i have learned about de-cluttering jealousy from my heart:

treat the underlying fallacy concerning “me” and “you.” realize and view everyone as equal. everyone has the same wish to be happy and to succeed, and not to be unhappy or to fail. everyone has the same right to be happy and to succeed and the same right not to be unhappy or to fail.
the grass is not always greener over “there” – green grass requires work and mowing. too often, we see someone else’s life and assume it is easier than our own life. this is also a fallacy. no matter the journey, there will be difficult paths to walk. difficulties truly are the places where we grow and develop our skills and become more of who we should be. just because someone else seems to have a better path…be careful…you and i may not enjoy walking the journey they have made to get to where they are.
anything that i must cling to in order to retain it might not be meant for me. i see so many single women who attempt to cling to an abusive boyfriend because they do not want to loose the relationship and be alone. therefore, jealousy and envy drive them to unflattering behaviours. if i could open my heart and give one gift to the single women in the world, it would be the ability to see that they are worthy of respect. please do not allow someone to treat you like you are worthless. you are valuable and if a person can not see and value that in a dating relationship…let go…don’t tie yourself to someone who disrespects you. note: marriage does not fix this poor attitude in a mate!
in a committed relationship like marriage, when there is cause for jealousy presenting itself…look for a deeper problem and work to fix that. jealousy is usually a warning sign. don’t ignore it. first, be honest with yourself and make any necessary changes that you need to make. then, look for deeper issues in the relationship that need work. if you are not successful, seek help. i always say, we go to the doctor to repair our broken body, we should be willing to do the same when we need help with a broken heart, spirit or soul. the options range from prayer and wisdom, a trusted counsellor, or when necessary a professional.

peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer. -proverbs

jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart…-unknown

love is not jealous…it should not burn holes in your heart nor mine….it should not eat at us like cancer. love should contain a healthy respect for who you and i are as well as the one we love. cultivating seeds of love, like patience and kindness (as a start), will help us to recognize the weeds that appear, such as envy and jealousy. we can address them quickly before they take root and produce painful results in the heart.

thank you for joining me today. it’s wonderful to have you stop by. my heart is to share some helpful wisdom to make your journey a little easier. i hope you have enjoyed the blog.

if you found this blog helpful, please share it with your circle of influence-friends, family, work mates. open a dialogue focused on building stronger relationships with real love as the foundation. make the part of the world you live in a better place.

have a great weekend,

kindness matters

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Dee Clark

patience has a partner in love

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Dee Clark

all of creation responds to kindness in a similar way. kindness disarms defences and brings hearts to a common level.

i’m not all surprised that the the first description of what real love looks like is that love is patient followed by love is kind. have you ever attempted to show kindness in a state of impatience? can you say difficult? however, have you shown kindness and seen impatience melt like snow?

one of my pet peeves is rudeness. funny thing is that my distaste for rudeness can make me impatient and rude…dah, dee…how does that work? you dislike rude people so you’ll be rude. that is not a congruent philosophy, is it?

a key to converting impatience to patience is the space between our impulses and our actions. it’s all about the timing.

customer service people often face hour by hour rude customer’s which can wear them down and bring out the rudeness in their personalities. dealing with a rude store clerk provokes a reaction inside me. there was a time that it provoked anger, frustration and corresponding responses…but over time i’ve learned that if i allow a kind response to provoke my actions, the result is more beneficial.

i was standing in line the other day at a shop and the clerk was not very nice. i stood and listened as she snapped at customer after customer. some customers snapped back and others exhibited the sting on their stunned faces. when it was my turn to be served, i began with, ” bless your heart, it looks like you are rushed off your feet. does that make for a rough day?” her whole demeanor changed. “i’m having such a difficult day.” then she began to share her heart concerning many other difficulties she was facing in her life. i was presented with a wounded heart. opportunities like that are jewels to me and had i impulsively responded to her rudely…i would have denied myself that opportunity. by the time i stepped away from the counter, she and i were giggling, she gave me a special manager’s discount and she thanked me for putting her day back into a positive perspective. as i approached the exit i heard her say, ” hello, how is your day going? at least the sun is shining, that makes the day more fun when you are shopping.” the customer behind me was being greeted kindly and cheerfully.

patience and kindness are partners when it comes to love. they are a great team!

on this subject, i think Paul had some great advice (message version):
if you help, just help, don’t take over;
if you teach, stick to your teaching;
if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy;
if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate;
if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond;
if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them.

Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it.
Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good.
Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame.
Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant.
Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder.

Help the needy; be inventive in hospitality.
Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath.
Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down.

Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up.
Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody.

Don’t hit back;
discover beauty in everyone.

If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody.

Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness.

Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

a kind heart is not for the wimpy…it shows strength of character and maturity.

Paul also advised, “Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking…always dragging you down to its level of immaturity.” it is much easier to fit into a grumpy culture; however, it’s not nearly as rewarding. being grumpy doesn’t get you closer to your goals and dreams of being loved…but kindness will.

even the most difficult person to deal with is on a search for acceptance and love. the love we long for is true and genuine…and it is patient and kind.

my advice for practicing kindness: the most fun you’ll have is to get out there and share a few random acts of kindness…it will melt your heart and the hearts of those you show kindness to…have fun with it!

remember practice makes perfect, this one should be easy!

if you accept the challenge, let me know how it goes in the comments section…or share how you have turned potentially volatile situations around by showing love in the form of kindness.

thanks for reading,
D

how to practice love in the form of patience

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Dee Clark

impatience is an emotion. patience is a skill. like all skills, patience is a life skill that can be practiced until application can be made more easily than when you begin.

the relationships that we invest in are truly rewarding. our hearts hope that they will make us happy beyond belief. talk to a young couple before their wedding day or before the birth of a new baby. the heart is full of expectations for the future. it is when reality meets those expectations causing disappointment that frustration surfaces.

when my daughter was five years old, my husband and i decided that we wanted another baby. it would be three more years before the birth of my son. there was the first expectation that met frustration. we had a timing in our mind and yet there was a long period of time to wait until we received confirmation that we would have our second child join the family. if you have ever planned to start or continue your family only to have reality present an alternative timing, it is heart wrenching, frustrating and painful. once he was born, we were elated. then came the sleepless nights. he did not sleep as well as my daughter had. it was a shock to the system after eight years of normal sleep routines. i would have difficult days of weariness that were trying. we made it through the sleepless nights, finally. then as a toddler, he began too bite other children. do you know how embarrassing and stressful it is when your child harms a friend’s child? this was not going as it had the first time around or the way i had expected. this lovely, beautiful little boy was the delight of my heart but he was trying my patience…in many more ways than i ever desired to endure.

what was i to do? i was not enjoying those moments i was living. i wanted to fast forward to easier, more enjoyable days, the future seemed so distant and far away…when life as i had hoped it would be would appear.

i was given advice to “be patient”, encouragement that he would get through the stage(s) and things would settle down. we often think another person should find patience easier to conjure up than we do in our own difficult situations. we mean well… we do…but we find taking our own advice impossible when faced with our own circumstances that evoke frustration, anger or pain; a stubborn or distant spouse, a self-destructing teenager, a special needs parent, a bullying boss, or a rude stranger.

i was irrevocably and inescapably stuck in the moment—my feet were tied to it. had i writhed and hollered as much as i wanted, i was still not going anywhere. i was there. immobile.

the available antidote was patience. it speaks of self-control, restraint, delayed gratification, bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance; tolerance and persevering. it was not my idea of a party that i wanted to attend. yet, it was necessary.

the revelation for me was that patience is a skill, not an inherited trait i happened not to inherit. it leads to relaxation, not self-harnessing. it gives you the freedom to have a pleasant time even when the baby gods are playing with you. it converts the helpless rage of impatience into a delicious sense of spaciousness.

patience creates more space between impulse and action.

impulsiveness causes you to act hastily. patience creates feelings of peace and calm, as opposed to the anger and frustration that often arises with impatience. impatience is on the anger continuum. first, you have irritation, then impatience and then anger and, at the far end, rage. patience keeps your anger turned off.

so, how do we practice this skill and develop patience? how can we apply patience, so that frustration goes away, outrage cools, and peace is yours?

1. accept that whatever is happening right now is the way it is. accept that you are here, living this moment as it is. coming to terms with reality helps you to focus your emotions.

2. apply persistence. that’s the capacity to keep on going even though you can’t yet see the end result. it’s what keeps us moving toward our goal and thus helps us make our dreams come true.

3. practice cultivating a sense of peacefulness, serenity or calmness in the face of what is. address poor, learned behaviour such as ranting, fretting or working yourself into a frenzy. stop, breath deeply, count to 10 (or 100), or separate yourself from the situation until your emotions return to a calmer state. whisper a prayer or recite calming scriptures. many find repeating the serenity prayer helpful.

4. focus on your goal of healthy relationships and perfected love.

5. focus your effort, energy and skills on problem solving. pursue wisdom in order to find a solution, this will produce a more effective result.

6. trust yourself, apply compassion when you fail at applying patience…practice makes perfect…keep going…all skill development requires time and practice, practice, practice.

today as i planned to write a post on practicing patience, wouldn’t you know, things did not go to plan. i woke not feeling well. i faced a busy work day. and my husband seemed to want me to help him do something every 5 minutes, and in the midst of all that i lost half of the post before i was able to publish it. opportunities to practice will present themselves. it never fails. i had to laugh at myself and my situation…

i told myself, “dee, love is patient…” and i made the 100th cup of coffee of the day as requested and began to reconstruct my post.

patience is the first and possibly one of the most difficult steps to producing genuine love in the heart. it is a skill. if you find impatience surfacing in your heart, do not fear…you can apply wisdom, practice this skill and develop real love…love that will not fail at building strong, fulfilling relationships.

the next we will explore the fact that love is kind.