10 things you may not know

Posted on September 2, 2013 by Dee Clark

how a bowl of lemons showed me what was in my heart

Posted on September 2, 2013 by Dee Clark

when the world gave me lemons, i put them in a bowl and dared anyone to touch them!

together with the very good in life exists some misuses of the good. before i continue my posts on love, i want to talk about abuse. i want you to remember that there are times when in the name of love, abuses occur. everyone needs to be safe and secure. if you find that you are in a situation that is unsafe…please seek help. i am not advising anyone to leave or stay in any situation…that is not my place to advise. this is a very difficult topic that i feel is important to touch on when we are discussing love.

i have found myself in abusive situations in my life. the details are not important. what is important is that in those times i felt helpless, worthless and hopeless. however, there is help waiting and if and when it is needed, you should reach for it. When i was suffering with cancer…i went to a doctor and a hospital for help. too often, when in abusive situations, the fear is so great that we do not reach for the necessary help. if someone is threatening your safety, believe them and get help.

as a result of the differing abuses i had lived through, i went into survival mode. it is kind of like the scenes in a movie of someone who is drowning. the life guard, friend or a passer by jumps in to help the drowning soul and in the struggle for survival, the drowning person puts the life saver in danger. when we have been abused, survival mode can cause us to mirror some of the behaviours or over compensate protection we feel we did not receive.

although i was “out of the water” so to speak, i was still drowning in the pain and i was dragging my loved ones down with me. i was distant, harsh and controlling because i had determined that i would never let anyone hurt me ever again. therefore, i had very strict, harsh rules (not healthy boundaries) and walls that i felt would keep me safe. they didn’t though. they only caused me to cause pain to others around me. as i look back, those actions were an abuse of my family’s love and trust toward me. it made life difficult and it was as unfair as what i had endured in the past. the problem was, i didn’t see it that way at the time.

let me get back to the lemon bowl.

i love lemons. One of my favourite candies is lemon drops. i use lemons to make lemonade, lemon meringue pie, and on fish. i clean stainless steel with them, lighten my hair and teeth with them and use them as air fresheners. i even love to eat them by themselves with a little salt sprinkled on them. i have consumed lots of lemons in my lifetime and would love to have a lemon tree in my yard. i don’t know how this fascination came to be but as long as i can remember i have been delighted by these little yellow balls of sunshine. 😉

one of the things i found difficult in the abusive relationships i found myself in was the lack of control i felt over my own life. my little bowl of lemons became one thing that i could control and have complete say over. after all these years, i chuckle because it sounds so strange to me. i would buy lemons at the grocery store. bring them home with the thought that i would use them to make all of the things i enjoyed. they were my lemons and mine alone. i would make it very clear that they were not to be touched without permission. i counted them, watched over them and i knew immediately if any were missing. can you imagine living in the house with me and my lemons. no… fun did not describe it. i was so busy guarding them, making sure no one touched them -that i never used them. there would be a day that I had to throw them in the garbage because they had rotted. i would discard them and begin the process all over again.

i don’t even remember what caused me to see the reality of what was happening. i just remember thinking about my beautiful little bowl of yellow lemons and it dawned on me…i have never made anything..not one thing…with all of the lemons that i had so carefully guarded.

and I asked myself the question, “why do i do that?”

i began to pay attention to my motives and actions where this bowl of lemons was concerned. that bowl of lemons was highlighting that there was residual pain in my heart that was affecting my behaviour. i was possessive, controlling, harsh, paranoid, obsessive and sometimes down right mean. do you know the interesting thing? no one but me cared anything about the lemons. no one wanted them and most of the time no one even noticed them exceptme!

for those of my readers who have been or are in abusive situations, i want you to bare in mind
as you read my posts this week about love, that getting help with the pain in your heart is paramount. abuse changes your perception and responses to love. my motivation in anything i share is a desire to be helpful and not cause more stress and pain. I guess, this is my disclaimer to let you know that i understand the pain, the difficulties and despair that the heart feels when it is searching for more than what it has known as painful love.

i want you to know that there is hope, healing and wholeness available. your dream and search for a fulfilled life is not futile.

my hope is to continue to encourage you on your journey,

thank you once again for taking the time to stop by,
D

love…what you believe, say or do are meaningless without it

Posted on September 2, 2013 by Dee Clark

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere.

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

when i was in high school, the characters above were popular. i just dated myself, i know. these little guys were everywhere as we, in the ’70s, attempted to define what love is.

i’ve said before that we all are on a search for value, acceptance, belonging and love as we journey through life. these core elements cause our hearts to long for more, better, greater satisfaction than we seem to be living at the moment.

this search also can leave us disappointed, lonely and hurting so deeply that our heart despairs at times.

currently, i have people in my circle of influence who are battling deep depression, possible divorces, broken lives and emotional pain because they are missing these key components in their lives in one way or another.

it breaks my heart. as i’ve told you before, i am a “fixer”. i am passionate about emotional wholeness because i can relate to this kind of pain. i have experienced it many times in my own search for significance. i have made life changing decisions that were painful as i attempted to answer this question, “what is love?” therefore, out of my compassionate heart, i long to help others find hope that the pain will cease and that true joy and happiness can be found.

this world is a mess in a lot of ways. i read, hear and even come across some really hateful people. most of us want to run a million miles in the other direction when we come face to face with people like this. however, it’s getting harder and harder to do that because everywhere we go…we come face to face with people who rub us the wrong way, or who are not very easy to deal with. other than living like hermits, alone and distanced, we are going to have several of these types of people continually in our lives. in fact, listening to the news can make one fearful of what the world has to offer and what we can look forward to.

we long for love but find that when people lash out at us…we want to lash out right back.

this only leaves us feeling empty even if we feel it’s justified because the heart of man was not made for conflict, hatred and causing pain. it was designed to love.

so, what can you do?

actually, we can make a significant difference but it requires work, selflessness, and real, true, genuine L-O-V-E.

wisdom says that love never fails. did you just roll your eyes at me and think, “yeah, right!” good! then it is not a coincidence that you are reading my post today.

have you thought:
1. this “love” stuff doesn’t work!
2. i have tried and the other person just doesn’t get it?
3. it never lasts?
4. i always get hurt, taken advantage of and disappointed?
5. i’m sick of this! i’m not putting up with this anymore!

i think that we all have been there at one point or another.

so, what’s the definition of insanity? doing things the same way and hoping for different results?

this week, i want to explore this topic. i warn you, love is not for the faint hearted. it’s not all roses, wine, candle light and chocolates. sometimes, it’s down in the trenches, in the mud, death-defying action. a great example is the men and women who leave home, family, and comfort to fight for our freedoms while we sit at home and criticize them for their battle. they do it anyway because they understand the value and rewards of freedom (even when,”we” the comfortable, abuse those freedoms with our poor attitudes about how they are won). love is no different. the rewards of “mud on your face”, “heart wrenching”, “fight with all that is in you” love are just as worthwhile. however, it probably looks a lot different than what you have been doing. which is good news because if what you are doing isn’t working for you….then there is HOPE!

look at my quote at the beginning of the post. let’s start there.

there are many noble things we do in the name of love;however, it is very easy to see right through actions that are not motivated by genuine love. Isn’t?

we’ve all been “smooth talked” in order for someone to manipulate us. eloquent words and reasoning may produce an action…but people see right through it and wise up before very long and your efforts are short lived.

faith is a foundation we all need. we have to understand what and why we believe something that governs our lives. faith alone, in God, ourselves, money, status, chocolate, or teddy bears (look we can put our faith in some unusual places expecting it to bring us happiness) is not enough. you have heard the quote that your actions are speaking louder than what you say you believe. it’s true. if you are sharing your faith and people are running a country mile…(here’s some tough love), your actions are speaking louder than your preaching. here’s a clue: if it’s real, and it works, people want it…if it’s not, they are telling you, “i see holes in what you are saying compared to what you are living.”

benevolence, self-sacrifice and doing selfless acts are commendable. again, they are not a replace for really loving someone…that is where the real, effective work is.

the bottom line is that…

no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

…and you are,too.

you and i can change what is not working. we can see that love never fails even when it is difficult. we just need to understand what “love is” and what it is not.

would you like to explore this with me? if you know others who might benefit from this topic, please share this post and ask them to join us on this exploration this week. you’ll be glad you did.

before I go, I have a simple test. walk past someone today, give them a big smile and a cheerful, “i hope you have the most fantastic day”…season it with as much genuine love as you an muster in your heart and see if they respond even a little…i think they will. you will see that loving kindness CAN change the world.

i look forward to our time together this week, please join me again!
D

Who’s gonna stop you?

Posted on September 1, 2013 by Dee Clark

now, that’s an attitude you can work with!

grab the determination and go with it.

How to be an amazing woman

Posted on September 1, 2013 by Dee Clark

how to be a woman of excellence according to Proverbs 31:

1. do not accept mediocracy. apply excellence in all that you are and all that you do.
2. understand your value is priceless.
3. inspire trust.
4. every day do what is best for your husband. never do anything harmful or hurtful. his heart should be safe with you.
5. allow a delightful attitude to govern your work.
6. select the best quality for your available resources.
7. provide for your household’s needs.
8. have a plan.
9. be resourceful.
10. wrap yourself in strength, carry yourself with confidence,and work hard, strengthen yourself for the task at hand. take care of yourself body, soul and spirit.
11. taste success and knows it is good.
12. apply and develop skill to all you do.
13. be benevolent and merciful.
14. be prepared and do not worry.
15. be supportive to your husband’s purpose.
16. use your gifts to produce a quality, marketable product.
17. be strong and dignified.
18. be fearless and smile when you think about the future.
18. conduct your conversations with wisdom.
19. allow kindness to always be your concern.
20. be organized.
21. do not be indulgent and lazy. be selfless with out fear.
22. earn the blessing and respect of your husband and children.
23. understand the limits of charm and physical beauty.
24. be reverent to God
25. celebrate all you have achieved and others will as well.
26. allow your accomplishments speak for themselves.

women have the ability within their design to be strong, independent, capable, and to care for their husband, family, and the poor. i know women who run a household with joy and make it appear effortless. in fact, my mother is this type of woman. as a child, i had no idea what was required to run a household. my mother never seemed to stop, she never seemed cross about the day to day expectations and she seemed to enjoy (and still does) what she did for us. she was kind to strangers and visitors. she seemed to have time for anyone who needed the attention of her heart. she was resourceful to the point that when there was lack, my siblings and i were clueless. i never recall complaints or grumbling. she is the most selfless person i have ever known.

i have many friends like this as well. i have been one who has admired their accomplishments and the lovely, homey atmosphere that they provide day in and day out.

as women, we are challenged to be discontent, to feel dissatisfied, selfish and complaining…and it’s a shame.

nothing worthwhile comes without appropriate effort. we don’t get something for nothing. we must be willing to apply ourselves to achieve the dreams we dream.

the potential within a woman is vast, amazing and valuable. it is a servant role…i did not say subservient…i said servant- a role of service. however, the role of men is a role of service to family and others as well. there are unbelievable benefits to serving one another. it is a rewarding way to approach life.

there is a custom called covenant among the Jewish culture. the purpose of covenant was an exchange -an offering of one’s strengths in exchange for help for their weakness. it is an agreement that what i am, what i have, what i am able to do, i agree to share with you in exchange for all that you are, all that you have, and all that you are. this agreement allowed the two to work together to become a stronger, healthier, better whole unit. each working with their supply and talents to make life better for the other; fully committed, fully trusting, and fully giving.

doesn’t that sound like a desirable goal for your heart? it is for mine…and it is completely attainable!

the requirement for attaining this goal, achieving success and excellence is a good attitude, recognition of our value, applying good work ethic and not complaining about it, resourcefulness, and never being mediocre.

it seems easier to say,”that’s impossible…no one can be that type of woman” and accept that as an excuse. i believe differently…

apply yourself…begin where you are with what you have and you will discover what an fabulous creature you are. you are a woman! you are amazing!

if you know a woman who lives with the goal of excellence, who gives the best she has to offer…encourage her today…sing her praises…let her know that you admire her accomplishments! encourage her to continue to be inspiring and striving for excellence…and allow her to encourage you (this truly is a special benefit of girlfriends).

today, I celebrate excellent women everywhere,